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Thread: Love (A hearbeat extended)

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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    Love (A hearbeat extended)

    CONSIDERATION

    Him

    Who in heaven does she think she is,
    just because she looks cute and she winks she is,
    not Halle Berry, as she thinks she is,
    her shoes aight, jewels nice, she blinks once, and looks twice,
    lose twice then win in this looking game,
    if she tries so hard she'll be looking lame,
    the figure I like, my inner jigga is piqued,
    but dat faux confidence really needs critique.

    Her
    Oh jeez, dese G's got the city to their knees,
    or they feel, just watch how he begs like please,
    for my eyes to be in blessing him like sneeze,
    if I feel I'll watch him, I don't got no need,
    Look at him, his arms out, tatoos, froze palms out,
    white tees, air force, grill sets the alarm out,
    interesting....but just barely,
    he better have game if he wants to come near me.


    ATTRACTION

    Him

    Oh sh*t baby girl got the cutest smile,
    sweeter than my sweet tooth is, my hormones wild,
    I'm a cornrows child, hope she's da cornrows type,
    cause I wanna drop drawers and get wit her tonite,
    I really never saw one quite like her before,
    I know I said it before, I never meant it before,
    although I spent some before, I got mad love to give,
    and I'm coming on strong, hope she'll forgive.

    Her

    This is like the silver lining in da cloudy weather,
    as the days roll on, it just gets better,
    da distance closes, it just gets better,
    he really has a nice bod underneath da sweater,
    I find dat I like when his dimples define,
    if I can mould them wit my thumbs, I'll be fine,
    I'm sure he likes dat I'm lookin and I'm checking him out
    but I can't help and I"m betting dat his best is his mouth.

    DEEPER INTROSPECTION/LOVE

    Him

    U know I talked to her and I'm so blown away,
    I felt stumped and stuttery, hope da flow's ok,
    first time I couldn't think of a joke to say,
    even a line to say, I feel so broke today,
    The timbre of her voice was melodic wit notes,
    that caressed my pleasure centre, while we spoke,
    she had a mind on her,
    quite a find for da summer,
    my games are done
    but like a Maradona,
    I still feel love for the beautiful ting,
    truth be told I'm sprung, its a fruitiful ting
    I got her number, email and most important her name,
    And only Death will see me if I don't see her again.


    Him

    I gave him my number, email and my name,
    My last boy didn't get it, till late in da game,
    dis guy stuttered and blushed, so unlike the G
    dat he posed like before, like he supposed to be,
    what I can't understand is what came over me,
    and like a pullover, my body's overly
    warm wit my knees straight oscillating,
    I dreamed of this connection and now its scintillating,
    captivating, dis levitating communicating,
    overated never, since I undercompensated,
    I can't remember my name but he's my man to be,
    I had potential when unfinished, now he's completing me.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    This was weird... At times I didn't like it because it felt like this was an audio and you just posted up its lyrics; For an audio this would be sick but then I remember that it's in fact an Om and should probally have some beefed up imagery and vocab. Man, I don't know... This piece was just so up and down for me, not even in terms of good and bad but rather what I liked and didnt like. Overall though, I think I liked this piece... It came off as original and creative. Although, I still kind of think this would be an amazing audio track, while its a "Good" Om. Keep writing man, I'll have to keep my eye out for what else you post in the future.

  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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    Thanks for the feed. Upping for more.

  5. #5
    -Camera Kisses- P. Mortuus's Avatar
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    YEah this was really different but that;s good as it's original. I liked the flow and yeah this does suit an audio much more like some Nelly kelly shit or something. THe vocab was aight and the structure needs working. However if this doesbecome an audio piece than structure isn't much important. Overall a good and orginal piece, keep it Poppin'
    Kiss me through the camera lens.
    TNL

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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    Thankz for the feed. Upping for more.

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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  9. #9
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    This was alright, definately on the pop side of things.

    Content wasn't really fresh, about two people meeting and falling in love. Came from a different perspective I suppose though so well done for that.

    This could definately be a good audio, but as an OM as i'm beginning to find people want more.

    There were something I liked in this, the football (soccer for you American G Units) analogy with Maradona and the way you described the girls voice and how it affected you. Sounded like you say it from an experience before.

    A point for improvement, the whole thing just played on one level which like I said in OM more is needed, but with this type of topic there isn't really much else to bring into it.

    Overall it was alright.

  10. #10
    K.T: The Assassin ~ladie_streetz~'s Avatar
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    this shyt was okay bra not too abd but what u need to work on is the flow okaya nd also the structure vocab wanst too good either those are soem of teh thing that u need 2 work on to improve ya skills to come out with some hottter shyt teh topic wasnt nothin new it was soemthin ery body can relate to and something that people can understand but you didnt really put ya all into the topic it was kinda basic to me but i liekd it in some ways cuz i liked readin shyt like that just work on teh flow and strutcure next time
    THE FAMILY.

  11. #11
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    work on vocab and complexity homie......
    anywayz aight this was pretty different and weird....
    i dont think i liked it that much but it was descent
    rhymes were good in places others way too simple
    maybe u could have had sum more multies.....
    overall this was descent keep elevating...peace~

  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! MCtrini's Avatar
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    Uppin for more comments

  13. #13
    hey man i dont feel it man .............keep workin may u do betta and u can ....work ova ur vocab. ok ..........................nice shot

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