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Thread: "The Broken Man's Prayer"

  1. #1
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    "The Broken Man's Prayer"

    He wanders the dark streets, with his head down in denial
    Late nights, Street fights have turned this man's life digustingly vile
    He feels as if he is forgotten, like for him god has no plan
    Feels as if he is known as "The Forgotten Man"
    He has no family, feels no emotion
    Can't walk into a store without causing commotion
    He is sneered at about his clothing and money
    Little Snot-nosed kids stiffle they're laughter because they think it's funny
    But now he's become use to it, use to a life of pain
    Emotional and physical, his life is a huge stain
    After a night of begging and walking around without a purpose
    He returns to his torn-up tent, which he had bought with the money earned by working in the circus
    He lies down, for this is where tonight he will stay
    He cups his hands together, and begins to pray:
    "Dear lord, thank you for all the love you have shown me
    For I have fought through feeling pain and being lonely
    I know you have a plan, despite what people think
    For you have in someway have helped me find food and drink
    I will continue to fight through all the struggles of life
    Amen and Amen....And Lord, Good Night"
    Last edited by Wireless; April 16th, 2006 at 11:42 PM

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  2. #2
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  3. #3
    are u really 13

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  4. #4
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Yeah...why would I lie?

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  5. #5
    oh im 1 year yunga den u

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  6. #6
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    Rise...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  7. #7
    lyrical messiah
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    this was nice. i liked the way you started the verse with imagery. it had some decent flow to it. an you used some excellent vocab in this. it kept my attention through the whole om. you did ya thang man. peace out

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    Dope Lethal Lyricists
    hip-hop's finest souljaz

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    this my boo.......guess who it is

  8. #8
    Banned
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    Yea i agree Ya Beginner came nicely with flow conecpts of the verse and deep thoughts to the piece i liked ya wordplay and use of vocab u need to work on getting ya lines--- across not up and down overall nice work

  9. #9
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    upping...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  10. #10
    Written Voices Jon's Avatar
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    Well.. I think topically, your falling off because you are not taking your time to make it dope. TAKE YOUR TIME, believe me when I say, bounce, edicus, and every other legend on this site takes they're time on picking a subject, then writing about it to the best of their abilitys. You had ok vocab, and all, but work on the story line, make it a little longer, so you can get more in-depth about his life. Overall, it was not the best from you. You have mad potential when you try, but when you dont, it looks herbish. Just next time you write, brain storm it, then take your concepts about it. You had good flow and all, its just the story detail/storyline was horrible. Everything else besides your structure was good. Keep writing, but try next time.
    Artificial.Intelligence

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  11. #11
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    rise...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  12. #12
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    to the top...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  13. #13
    Banned Ben A. Newly-Rayped's Avatar
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    He wanders the dark streets, with his head down in denial
    Late nights, Street fights have turned this man's life digustingly vile
    He feels as if he is forgotten, like for him god has no plan
    Feels as if he is known as "The Forgotten Man"

    good way to end it

    but ye ur flow was good not off to much but at times it was
    ur wordplay was very well put u had some nice parts in this that really cuaght my eye
    vocab was pretty dam good it was off at moments but w.e still really good
    Topic was dope not many ppl write like this but when they do its dope like ur piece
    but really good piece could yu plz leave some feed on my om in my isg

  14. #14
    Swing Life Away Wireless's Avatar
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    ^^^top...

    Mondo Thugs l The Truth


    If I'm too simple, then you just dont get the basics.

  15. #15
    Adderall
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    this was a dope piece i was def feelin it, cuz there was a time in my life, where i could actually relate to this shyt, somewhat. keep droppin' 8/10

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