Lay With Me Once More(SS)

[Plexus]

Death is to symbolize the transition of a better life, right?
then whys her passing destroying mine & my mind spite
despite her inlighted & better'd state of living
im greedy, and want more then what i am giving

You betrayed me, you awful excuse of breathe
...Yet saved me, and chose me over the rest
You inslaved me!, my eyes burn when i see you
...But craved me, made me yurn to be with you
You delayed me!!, my life was on hault for thee
...Yet shaved me into pieces, and onto my knee

I hold your once favorite belongings close to my chest
lay in rest while thoughts of my future seem like tests
dilusional sets of tears that reset my visional reference
every blinking moment quicker then heartbeat preference
and still this wretchet tear upon my folding love
shoves to a point thats delivering final snubs

Youve left me, made me decide by myself
...Yet kept me, only to rely on my health
Youve left me!, to defend this brake alone
...Yet kept me, your name ingraved in stone
Youve left me!!, as if almost satisfaction
...Yet kept me, through dream interaction

Ive decided that my existence is a mear pain in disguise
without your eyes to gaze it leaves me only to fall, not rise
I cry in surprise as you lay right in front of me once again
and ill die slowly, just to be with you as i close the coffin

[Plexus]

herea one link..i dont have time to get another but i promise first thing tomorrow itll be up brix

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285278
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=285493

[Trophy]

imagery - on point. vocab was correcty use...flow was consistent..never lost me...basically the imagery was the best in this...painted a perfect picture...

You betrayed me, you awful excuse of breathe
...Yet saved me, and chose me over the rest
You inslaved me!, my eyes burn when i see you
...But craved me, made me yurn to be with you

stay up...

[Plexus]

thank you..up

[Bounce]

You've improved convincingly since the onstart of the SS season. Good for you, it's always nice to watch an up coming writer blossom.

YOu did a good job with the topic, and I felt you have some real nice imagery in spots. Your emotion did not transition into as much as you could have hit us with but it was still decent. I'm not sure your repetaitve lines in those sections did exactly what you meant them to do. Fopr thsi kind of write I would have expected you to use the lines to sharpen your imagery or GRIP THE READER WITH EMOTION. Your scheme was better than I have seen in yoru previous drops, so gfood job there. Agaisnt an oopponent like born, you might have dropped the lines Imentioned above and deeper developed the story and showcased some other components of the write. Looking at this as a static OM, this is real good, but lookign at it from a dynamic stand point, where you are battling one of the best topical heads around, then it;s mising something.

Either way nice read and keep up the good work...

[J-Crimez]

I hold your once favorite belongings close to my chest
lay in rest while thoughts of my future seem like tests
dilusional sets of tears that reset my visional reference
every blinking moment quicker then heartbeat preference
and still this wretchet tear upon my folding love
shoves to a point thats delivering final snubs
that was the best part to me. i like the imagery in this poem. and i really liked ur punchlines. everything seemed to be on point. you did a real good job with this open mic. good job. ima have to give u either a 9/10 or a 10/10. good job bruh, keep up the work

[Plexus]

thanks

up

[Plexus]

dont sleep...up

[Temp Gurl]

I liked the dark feel i got off of it, vocab was nice got my mind thinking

[Plain-Thug]

First off you had a really interesting topic...props for that..
Ya imagery was nice overall helped out by sum nice vocab....
good, smooth flow continuesly throughout this peice.......
that made it way more easier and enjoyable to read.....
your rhymes were great....nice job on that..........
good peice overall...i liked it..keep it up man..peace~

[Plexus]

thanks up

[Plexus]

upp

[Plexus]

uppity

[Plexus]

to the top

[BKPANTHA POET]

Ive decided that my existence is a mear pain in disguise
without your eyes to gaze it leaves me only to fall, not rise
I cry in surprise as you lay right in front of me once again
and ill die slowly, just to be with you as i close the coffin

i say this was the best part of the piece. u can tell you really put your emotion in this like you've lost someone......ayo i felt dis all da way...keep it up. im new on her but this piece was motivation.