The Never Ending Fairytale

[Paramik]

Dope ass.... This was from one of your battles wasn't it?
I liked how you started off this peice, kind of like a story which fits in to the title of this peice. I really liked this peice one of the many very good open mics you had. The flow was pretty good and a lot of big words I like how you expand your vocab to produce better imagery and emotion. I had to see about five words to get the meaning of it. This peice was remarkable the Emotion was put into very well and the imagery was really good.
Overall it was a very good peice probably good for a nomination.
8.9/10
Please feedback on some of my open mics please.

A Mind Of Ambiguous Perceptions
^ feedback plz

[MISTA GRIM]

wow-i loved your vocab first off.
i liked how u set this up as well- you have a unique way of setting it up and you
brought it cool. And the best thing is your Detail..
you could describe a walnut falling from a tree and make it sound like the most exciting thing ever

DOPE---
peep my new OM plz

[Bounce]

Thanks all, and yes this was for an SS battle, that never came about...

[Tony Brown]

ok first off, i have a few questions lol
i've seen your work before and i used to wonder why you bold/italicize certain words and phrases and for a short time i thought i'd understood why but now after reading this piece i realize that im no longer sure. take the first few lines for example. are "his creations" and "sin" bolded purely for emphases; because that's one of the main themes of the piece? or is there some kind of connection between these words and the rest of the OM? Also, "midnight madness" and "mothers nature" are italicized maybe because they both share repeating sounds, ie the letter "m". But that cant possibly be the reason because at the end you have "advanced beings" in italics as well. so yea....basically i dont see the point of all the decoration and wut not lol

now.....
the one thing i didnt like about this was the style change between the verses. i personally much rather prefer the structure you used in the 1st and 4th verse. though it was dumbed down and sounded less "mature" (i couldnt think of the right word) i did like the flow brought by the multie usage in the 2nd and 3rd verses. your vocal and word choice is amazing as alwayz, that's nothing unusual from you. your wording really helped develop imagery in the reader's head. not much i can really say about this except it was really good lol. nice read bounce

[Bounce]

The first stanza is writen from a human perspective
"his creations" emphasizes our nature, which is a product of this intersteller 'creator', who inturn creates us, and the story which keep us in line and away from knowledge of him (the fairytale). So as we were created, so was Sin (and the means to use it, agaisnt our nature), the bold links the two together in our relationship from this advanced beings perspective.

In the last stanza, it used to do much of the same, but in relation to the God complex this being has projected into his portion of the verse.

The bold part in those two lines below, are there for another purpose. To paint a direct picture of our very nature and exisatnce, as applied to biological life on earth. It's a component used to bring to the foreground the main message housed in the verse. So if you read it only, it states "your way of life was fabricate in labratories, you are machines" (even though it says your many are going to see it as a play on words) Which further dilutes our concept of creation from divine intervention. Which was the core message of this peice. (We are but bio-organic machines engineered by a intellgent race) That had to be driven home in order to make the premise of the verse stand out, in regards to the topic chosen for that weak in SS. Didn't have to be there, but I find that out of all the peole who read my verses, only a few fully grasp and comprehend them. Not everyone on the site has the education or maturity level to take all this in, so cetain asthetic flags have been incorperated into my verses, for RB, only. It would be the equivalent of me highlighting a portion of poem for my daughter to discuss in detail as to gauge her comprehension of the poets work. Same thing that goes on in class rooms across the country, just done here.



In any other circumstance, I would not have to bold this for it to be emphasized, but on RB, it's the least I can do to help the kids grasp the premise.

Now about the style change you didn't like. I can fully understand that, and I too rather write in a poetic stanza type of format. The thing you are not taking into consideration is that this peice was for a topical battel in SS. In a battle, you can not just write and simply expect to win based on the level of your writing. If you do not include components to engage your target audience with, you will find yourself losing many battles and never winning a tornament or league around here. This was not just an OM I decided to write because I'm a writer, this was a verse crafted to counter that of an opponent who is a great writer himself. You can not step in to any kind of battle without a stratigy, and being that I have many years of first hand experince in wars and the way they are won, it's easy for me to apply that stratigy into a lesser type of battle.

The italics are all closely associated with the premise of the story, and something I want the reader to NOT over look.

[justrude]

^ You know what, I should have known that, sorry mija.

It's funny, but most of the fans that come out to see the band, or like my music in general are girls. Hey, makes for a good times at the shows that's for sure. Guys hate, but girls love it, it's crazy like that. I should send you some dope shit, not that soundclick junk...

yeah the next time you make a joint, hit me up! and that joint with you and camillionare "baddest click" was bangin! holla!

[Bounce]

lol, baddest click was just me fucking around because someone asked me to do something a little more mainstreamish...

send me your aim info, and I'll send some stuff when I get a chance. Thanks for the love...

[Deviate]

Bounce I've been following your work for just over a year now.. Yes... It's been a year since you left feed on my first piece.. Advice I saved to a .txt file for future reference. I have the utmost respect for you in that respect... And yet.. When you write pieces like this.. When you express yourself to this extent.. It's amazing that you climb further, in some sort of 'respect hierarchy', in my head. Now I hate to sound like I'm riding your dick.. But this is the truth. Don't think I'm saying it to be saying it, to fit in with the crowd.. You honestly deserve the best from people here.

Anyway...

The piece was great.. Creativity was excellent, imagery was vivid.. The power in each word was an amazing touch. If I had one thing to pick at? I wouldn't write 'with' as 'w/'... Just something that gets on my tits. The complexity was great... In some ways I enjoy writing in a complex fashion, so it leaves the reader working out what the fuck I've been chatting about... But I do appreciate your method of unfolding the entire concept as you go.. Definately appeals to all... Allows a fuller understanding from everyone.

Seriously.. One day.. I hope to collab with you.. I mean as far as being named in the same section as you in the RB awards last year... It was insane. I'm working on improving.. So any input would be appreciated.. Check out the link in my sig.

Nice to see you involved in SS.

Peace