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Thread: Without you...

  1. March 14th, 2006, 05:55 PM #1
    The Poet
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    Without you...

    Without You…

    …

    *July 27th 1993, kneeling to her, I say*

    …

    "Theres no one who can touch me.. No one who can love me..
    No one I can hold tight.. Besides you when were snuggling..
    When Im with you.. Im superman.. Together.. Us two..
    Nothing may keep me warm.. Besides the loving of you..
    Id run miles to see you smile.. The feeling of a bold man..
    Your touch.. It changes me.. Every time we hold hands..
    I couldn’t make it without you there.. As I hold you bear..
    How do I react when Im hurt so bad.. That Im told to care..
    I dump chicks and say, "fuck it." But you, I just love it..
    Because I hate nature.. But get butterflies in my stomach..
    No more pimp for me.. Only you.. Im not into more ladies..
    Were so in love were in our 20’s.. And talk like were babies..
    "I wuv you.." is what you tell me.. Our love has no limit..
    I go crazy when Im not with you.. Even when it’s a minute..
    This isn’t a song, nor is it a poem.. Its got a chorus, Im rappin..
    Me and you were like love at first sight..
    ......................And ten years before that even happened..
    I wish for us to be forever.. And hope were making it true..
    Cause I don’t need a pen or paper.. Just my feelings for you..

    Cause baby..
    The sound of your voice… The sound of your laugh…
    The sound of your cries… Just breaks me in half…
    The sound of your love… The sound of your kiss…
    The sound of only you… Just makes me exist…"

    ...

    *Exactly 2 years later, coming home from a hard days work..
    ..To find my wife in bed with another man*

    ...

    "NO! how could you do this? You had feelings for me?
    Then why?
    ......WHY the fuck turn around and start cheating on me!
    I thought we were in love, like two doves, as I would sing..
    I was your only, but there was another man in the swing..
    I got issues, problems.. You know this! I used to be a cutter..
    Little did I know you were on a date with me..
    ........................................And phone with the other!"
    "I fucking hate you bitch!" Hitting the whore as she falls..
    And then a sudden outburst hit me, as I tore apart the walls..
    "YOU FUCKING BITCH! How could you do this? I gave you my sores!
    Dirty little whore! You threw away my life.... so now I'm taking yours"
    Falling to the ground, she began to cry.. I blasted inbetween his eyes
    Tied my ex-bitch up... And let her watch me cut apart this guy...
    "I came home thinking we’d make love, not going this route!"
    As I grabbed her neck and pulled her hair, putting the gun in her mouth..
    "Hows it feel?" ..I screamed, I carried her to the car and slit her throat
    Seeing Satan on my shoulder... I covered her... And once again I drove
    I buried her at our ranch, where we got married.. It's clearly reluctant
    That all final thoughts had perished.. Rest in peace........

    ...My dearly beloved...
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  2. March 14th, 2006, 05:55 PM #2
    The Poet
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=278618&page=1
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...04#post4120604
    Last edited by The Poet; March 14th, 2006 at 06:35 PM
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  3. March 14th, 2006, 06:34 PM #3
    Tony Brown
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    yup yup
    you already know my opinion on this, the flow on this piece was incredible and the style is very unique. true story or not, the emotion was definately there. simple but yet complex rhyme scheme (if that made any sense lol) seems you understand pretty much everything about this. didnt concentrate so much on using a huge vocabulary as some try to hard to do, but instead focused on using good word choice which is much more important. this is probably the first time i've actually witness wordplay used effectively in an OM imo. imagery good, structure good, bla bla all that good stuff lol
    good job on this one
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  4. March 14th, 2006, 06:36 PM #4
    The Poet
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    Thankyou.
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  5. March 14th, 2006, 07:43 PM #5
    Silas
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    Lmao, this shit cracked me up a bit. This was nice and complex until then end the shit gave me a laugh because it's like you just went balistic. The end is just the part I really didn't like but other than that I liked this piece because at the end you just threw in alot of cuss words and shit and sometimes that fucks up a piece. You didn't use that much voccabulay i must say, but I think that you should've atleast like used one. Structure was great, and the storyline was dope. This is good keep at it, Peace.

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    Owned.
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  6. March 14th, 2006, 07:45 PM #6
    The Poet
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    It fucked it up? Not trying to change your opinion, but I guess you didnt get it. My wife cheated on me, Im going to be nice? Of course I had to swear man, or else it wouldnt be realistc.

    Thankyou for the feed though.
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  7. March 14th, 2006, 07:48 PM #7
    Silas
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    Ok, yeah you'r wife cheated on you, sorry man. It's just that I wasn't feeling that part of the piece.

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    Owned.
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  8. March 14th, 2006, 10:09 PM #8
    Bounce
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    Good smooth and fluid read, I enjoyed it. Nothing standout for me, as I've seen this done in many ways by many here on RB. I think you had everything covered, although you didn;t do enough to convience the reader emotionally. I didn't feel the rage or the heart break, this was more geared towards nice clean rhymes and famialr story, nothing over the top. The thing I didn't like was how predictable it was, I knew what was coming next in story and in scheme as I hit each line. Based on your word choice, I could tell what was coming next. You could have done more in the development and captivated your reader with stronger connections to the charecters. Overall a good read. I'll be looking to see more from you...

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  9. March 14th, 2006, 10:22 PM #9
    The Poet
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    Thankyou for the feed. Its much appreciated.

    Also, thankyou for breaking it down like that. As I read it over I kind've thought that someone would eventually state that it was predictible. It was in a sort of sence. Plus the topic was a bit played, but Im just trying to shake some rust off if you know what I meen.

    Thanks again Bounce.
    Last edited by The Poet; March 14th, 2006 at 10:24 PM
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  10. March 15th, 2006, 04:21 PM #10
    Glory
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    a little played, topic wise. but this piece wasn't lacking. i enjoyed the first half a bit more, the second just seemed...blah. nice flow throughout, you pretty much kept intact as far as scheme goes. didn't really like the twist in the end, but you kept the story goin'. the love part of it was nice, had some good lines here and there, some that were a bit cliche' though. other than that, solid piece bro. you got skill. keep it up aite.

    thanks for your feed.

    peACE


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  11. March 15th, 2006, 07:00 PM #11
    The Poet
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    Thankyou.
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  12. March 15th, 2006, 11:08 PM #12
    +Glich+
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    this was good topic is kinda used but you did a better job than most who do a topic like this,you had good imagery and creativity meta's it was like a lyrical love letter or proposal I liked this piece it is almost OMHF worthy but just need a little more deepness in it you had good structure though so it was very easy too follow I would like to see another drop by you nice drop here over all keep up the goood writing please hit up my OM link here:http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=279029
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  13. March 16th, 2006, 12:08 AM #13
    The Poet
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    Thankyou for the feedback.

    I'll be sure to return the favor on the link.

    And I dont think that its not HoF Worthy because of the "deepness" or how in depth I got on the subject.

    Its mainly because the topic is played, in which I understand. I just felt like writing something like this, being Ive been hurt so bad before.

    Thanks again.
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  14. March 16th, 2006, 02:34 PM #14
    The Poet
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    Thankyou everyone for the feedback.
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  15. March 16th, 2006, 02:41 PM #15
    Sy-Clops
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    this was som e ill shit bro......some excellent creativity and imagination....structure was held together well and it flowed sweetly nice verse
    WordPlaya,Murking You For Free
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