"The Garden of Eden"

[Axis]

Gave me more a poem vibe than a rap song. but over a nice light guitar beat that could be SICK. flowed great, and I really liked the structure. Everone else pretty well said what I was thinkin'.
Keep Doin' Ya Thing...

[Atti]

Thanks alot for the love. And Pac, I'll get at the piece as soon as I can but I don't have to much time on the weekends.

[ITawAPuddyKat]

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,
but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.
To the blind the beauty is mind,
use of which is the fuse lit to find
such is the handicaps last stance.
So the dams are barbed and roped,
and the man of smiling scars holds
to find the art of design in a mile of hope.

-This was very good, very descriptive and portrait. Word choices are decent, the imaginary on this part was overall good.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

-Hmm very complex, I had to read it a couple times to fully grasp the concept on this part. This was good, again I'm liking your word choices, but I'm NOT liking your wrap around lines, not very readable to me.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Waved good-bye to my dien' days
with a racing mind pacing the woods,
and as that last second danced away,
a man was blessed with death as
the hands of God unlocked the gates.
-O_o Loving the closure, very Emotional in your Lines

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=274946
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=275064

This was overall a good decent OM atticus, nice to see you dropping and writing. Leave a feedback on my new OM "Three's a crowd" Link in sig.

[Atti]

^ Lol you better leave some more feed than that if you expect a nice breakdown from me

[Seedy]

creative.

Shakespear feel , which is dope

overall a very dope piece man

[Moniker]

This was great Atticus. First drop i've seen from you with such an impeccable flow. I think you should explore more into that. Your style has grown incredibly over the time I've known you here, and I'm interested to see how it develops further. My only concern is that you don't start sacrificing content for rhyme. That definitely wasn't an issue here though, you made it cohesive and everything went together well. One of the best reads in awhile.

My favorite segments:

but rather, latter the Mad Hatter
from the rabbit's cavernous palace
to patternless grounds of valance
to decorate the stage of Val Halla.

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.

Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

[big j da fat boy]

from the first 2 lines this caught my eye. it had hella imagery an it some metaphores. this was a damn good peice theys too much for me to go into great detail cause if i did that it would be the whole thing cause this was just great. it was more like a poem but it had that hip-hop vibe to it. that made this peice a whole lot better. but just keep doin ya thang man. you could be the best man from what i read. if all ya stuff is like this then damn you got mad talent. peace out man

[Atti]

Thanks alot for the love you guys... Bumping this in hopes of HOF, mehbeeeeeeeeh?

[Atti]

........ Bump

[Illus']

pretty good piece nice poetic touch..
nice metaphors. original content.
your multies were sick...
and you stayed consistent with it
and didn't loose your meaning
which is always good.I was also impressed
the way you went about the topic.
Was this image in my head that of a green
tree...with adam and eve bleh..just trying to
say is that u painted a dope picture in my head.

"Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden."

dope content here...seriously good imagery.



good piece fam stay writing.

[Dyl]

Very very nice piece.Pure dopeness to the max.I have been looking at a lot of your pieces and you always seem to keep it at top level.As I said to Bounce,you and him are a big inspiration in watching you write because it always is dope.This piece had everything,creativity,imagery,grammer and structure it was brilliant.Your opening was very impresive and after that I knew it was going to be clear ailing from there.Great drop bro and keep it up

[EYE RONIC]

That last withering blink sinks
into the grasp of linking lashes
and said never again will this iris
dance in such a glimmering fashion,

Beautifully wrote bro, idk how you do it but the mental imagery you put into this was absolutely amazing. Your flow stayed on point for the whole way, and I cant imagine how much work was put into this.

Closes his eyes, gulps three times;
tries to lose his sight as the light
pries through loops and writes lines
along side the wide end of his noose,
as he resumes a fast descent through
the brain's metal chutes again
....... to conclude in hallucinogens.
Takes that last step left of sane
and dances the fence that intersects
two hemisphere of queer from the brain.
Started there, deceiving ones self meaning
to transcend reason and land pardoned
...................... In the Garden of Eden.

All I can say, is wow. The way you portrayed the message was aesthetic, like you can depict the level of the peice. You brought it down on this one, the conclusion of this stanza was unpredictable. This whole piece was unpredictable. You deserve something more than 26 feedback posts. You deserve OM HoF, you definitly do. I hope to see many more masterpieces from yourself again, maybe we could get together and write something tremendously capricious.

[B.I.Detained.]

Atticus, wow. Great great read. Your transitions were immaculate, honestly. You desribed this vividly and you never left the point you were getting to. I was sceptical at first, because I have seen many a piece done like this before but they have never been to the uality that this is. The way the man, the focal point of the story, was described to have gone to this "other place" was mint. You didn't make any part of this, unimaginable. You kept a sense of reality, but with a euphoric feel. Its as if its believeable. It was a fine you tread but you have written this probably perfect.

Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

Atticus, you hold a rarity.. which is writing briliantly in metaphor. Keep striving and writing because you ahve to keep something that makes people like me want to keep reading what you write. Props again.

[Illus']

Atticus

You are very poetic with your words.
You also have deep meaning they way you
go about the order in which your words are placed.
It creates great imagery...Which is a great breath
of fresh air...

I definitely loved the metas and consistancy.
You are someone I'd like to collab with .
Anyways your style differs from most which
is positive..


SORRY FOR THE CRAPY FEED EARLY
I WAS IN CLASS LIKE I AM NOW LOL.

BU MY PROF CANT SEE ME LOL.

[Jon]

Wow..Just wow.. Ive never really seen an OM like this, It was kind of like poetry. Great creativity, it set the stage almost perfect, but you dont really get it till the end. Vocab was great, which for this peice was very helpful, but I had to look a few words up, especailly this one (hallucinogens). I think you've broken my barrier of feed, this was almost beyond words besides great. At first, I did think it was poetry, but then I noticed it was in the OM forum. Great peice, here were my faviorite lines:

Hollow feet follow eachother past east,
down the serene semi-round frown
that detached from a blown glass sea
of navy blue to meet with gold in piece.
The two interlocked, as blue rocked
its new love to sleep, then the two stopped...
Locked lips fast in a fit of passion
as the two both fell to yellow grass limbs,
and upon Blue's last thrust he knew...
Kissed her cheek and whispered, "I Love You."
Defined sections of their love streched on
along the lost skies shattered white eyes,
As from earth I saw the birth of a spectrum.

This was an outstanding peice. Great job, I give you props.
Keep writing at this level.
I would nominate it, but it started in Febuary.

Hit my sig.. "God Why?"