SS WK1: Noah's Jealousy

[B.I.Detained.]

* Writers Note:-
Its half an hour till the man in the picture is released.
Every second feels like an hour, but he's calm, collected
and looking forward to his future. What he ponders, he puts
in his pad. His views, his thoughts, and his prospects.


Reformation over penalty -
Noah's jealousy.. for the animals in a pen he'll never see.
Beggars, I'll never be, as I'm a level incredibly - higher.
My thoughts don't lack and expire, perspiring droplets of fire..
.. out of my bloodstream; into my cell. Four years in a subtle hell,
designed, and based on a Russian jail.
To embrace a penalty seems I failed..
to drop a penalty of reform, makes me glad I fell.

See -
from the time I committed, to the time of release,
I don't keep my smile gritted from the back of my teeth.
They attack my beliefs - giving grief to my views,
and simply refuse to believe I plan the map they choose.
Only the lost, confused,
and the satanic.. abuse and belittle ME.
In symmetry they rile ME, and preach ignorance as a quality.
Think to yourself..
..do wardens and guards ponder equality?
Open-endedly asked you a question for you to take a while..
till then, tell me what you make of my profile:
I'm male, 24, and divorced with 2 kids..
..the only white guy on release- with no place to live.
Yet, mountains of guiding to give,
sifting through those who hide in the mist.
Now, beyond doubt, reform IS bliss. & has made me "the man" -
not only the one I am today, but to afray in the can,
I'm the prayer of the land.

A guard enters my former space.. adding to the bitter taste.
Now the shackles feel like a brittle lace..
with each step to the door hitting a pace,
I leave my followers - chanting behind, to "start a new race".
I leave the people I know,
I leave the people I told,
I leave the people who believe,
and leave the people I need.
I leave.. and tread leaves so brown at 12 on the hour,
they just let into the world.. a formidable power.


http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...714#post4037714
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...47#post4038347

[Kobra]

Very powerful....I can honestly say I was captivated from the start.

The concept was very original and the way you presented it was of great quality.

The flow and the vocab added to the emotion and I could actually feel like I was there.

See -
from the time I committed, to the time of release,
I don't keep my smile gritted from the back of my teeth.
They attack my beliefs - giving grief to my views,
and simply refuse to believe I plan the map they choose.

..do wardens and guards ponder equality?
Open-endedly asked you a question for you to take a while..
till then, tell me what you make of my profile:
I'm male, 24, and divorced with 2 kids..
..the only white guy on release- with no place to live.
Yet, mountains of guiding to give,
sifting through those who hide in the mist.
Now, beyond doubt, reform IS bliss. & has made me "the man" -
not only the one I am today, but to afray in the can,
I'm the prayer of the land.

A guard enters my former space.. adding to the bitter taste.
Now the shackles feel like a brittle lace..
with each step to the door hitting a pace,
I leave my followers - chanting behind, to "start a new race".
I leave the people I know,
I leave the people I told,
I leave the people who believe,
and leave the people I need.
I leave.. and tread leaves so brown at 12 on the hour,
they just let into the world.. a formidable power.

The ending was pheonomenal the way you delivered it.

Good Luck on your match and keep at it.

[Silas]

Woah, i really liked this piece here man, like the topic is real creative too. You didn't have much vocabulary in this and i think that's what made this piece real dope because the storyline to this was awesome.

A guard enters my former space.. adding to the bitter taste.
Now the shackles feel like a brittle lace..
with each step to the door hitting a pace,
I leave my followers - chanting behind, to "start a new race".
I leave the people I know,
I leave the people I told,
I leave the people who believe,
and leave the people I need.
I leave.. and tread leaves so brown at 12 on the hour,
they just let into the world.. a formidable power.

^^that ending right there was great, couldn't have been any better, I swear.

Man just the power i could feel into this, i could also visualize something great as i read this, keep dropping more as usual. And good luck on you'r battle. Dope read

[Bounce]

Dope writting Brix, I read this in SS and really enjoyed your take on the topic. Like I said, it left me feeling inspired, just a good all around read. I loved the last line, real positive way to end it, the charecter commanded respect and attention. Good stuff man...

[Resolute]

Lol, enjoyable read. . better than your last one on that chinese student/teacher thang. You dont quite have the scheme perfected, but it was good to see you tryna copy me suckah! Haha. . not a bad drop. Topic was a little too art-faggotry for me to be honest, but heh - the kids seem to go for that here, so i cant fault you for that.

PiZZaZz!

[Automatic.]

Dope piece brix. I liked the concept u took on this, very creative. The flow was straight and the vocab was nice as well. Ending was perfect. Great all around read man. Keep doing what ur doing.

[Moniker]

I'm glad I read this. I haven't checked out too many of the verses in SS yet but if the majority of them are at this level then it should be a great season. The main aspect and best presented part of this piece was the story-line/telling. The rhyme scheme fit very well and just accentuated the diction and tone you used through-out. Although, I would have liked to see you expand on the metaphor of the topic more, as in the whole Noah's arc/animals locked up, type of direction you seemed to use in the first few lines. Regardless, it was a fresh take on a common but not-too-overdone topic. This is the stuff that makes OM worth while.

[Dyl]

Off the hook bro it really was very good.You explained everything in perfect detail and worded everything perfectly.It was very easy to follow and you kept readers attention which is importantRhyme scheme was very good to.Imagery was very effective in this,you created a very clear picture of what you were saying.

from the time I committed, to the time of release,
I don't keep my smile gritted from the back of my teeth.
^very nicely put

jus nothing wrong with this bro.

peace....

[B.I.Detained.]

Back to the top for the people who haven't read it.

[EYE RONIC]

Oh jesus, I almost didnt see this.

See -
from the time I committed, to the time of release,
I don't keep my smile gritted from the back of my teeth.
They attack my beliefs - giving grief to my views,
and simply refuse to believe I plan the map they choose.
Only the lost, confused,
and the satanic.. abuse and belittle ME.
In symmetry they rile ME, and preach ignorance as a quality.
Think to yourself..
..do wardens and guards ponder equality?
Open-endedly asked you a question for you to take a while..
till then, tell me what you make of my profile:
I'm male, 24, and divorced with 2 kids..
..the only white guy on release- with no place to live.
Yet, mountains of guiding to give,
sifting through those who hide in the mist.
Now, beyond doubt, reform IS bliss. & has made me "the man" -
not only the one I am today, but to afray in the can,
I'm the prayer of the land.

This stanza was absolutley episodic. Your openor was very creative, slightly emotional and what not. Believe me when I say you have a rare choice of words, I began to see a couple analogies in your pieces. You're the truth. And truth tops every other virtue out there. You are ingenious when it comes to poetry competitions or topical competitions such as SS, you portrayed the message well to this topic. It looked like a difficult topic through my optics, but seeing that you wrote to it, made me know that someone can actually write a full length masterpiece on one of the hardest subjects of all time. Great read man, you're a great poet.