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Thread: The 10 Commandments

  1. #1

    The 10 Commandments

    The 10 Commandments

    Everybody listen.
    I’m gonna recite you an account, bout this companion I had.
    He was auspicious in everything but he went mad
    Good business, family, money, cars all things a man cud wish for
    But dough, drugs, bitches longed him to make more
    This song is dedicated to him and all you m. fuckers out der
    Who thinks you can be smethin even if you obliterate your prayer
    The gospel truth is; always say your prayer
    Cause if u don’t, you get fucked up with this world
    It is then all the wickedness uncurl
    And you ejaculate out all your sins--AGAINST THE 10 COMMANDMENTS.

    (the following verses are written from tha other person's point of view)

    I AM THE LORD THY GOD

    The first commandment ever given to man; the first commandment that I ever broke
    I still can’t conceive it: I strayed it after havin some coke
    Superstition, spiritualism, horoscope, fortune telling’
    Wanted to contact tha dead; neva worked--- still tryin’, cryin’
    Gave up ma religion for the sake of wealth; didn’t care bout ma soul’s health
    But regret it now after hustling innocent deer skin

    What I wanted to do was always win
    And ended up commitin’ all tha sins
    Sins that made me what I am sins that made me a livin satan
    Sins that made me go against---THE 10 COMMANDMENTS.

    But here’s smethin that I’m privileged to proclaim aloud
    I have kept tha 2nd, 3rd, and 4th commandments- nd im proud
    Anyhow it doesn’t cover up all ma other sin
    So let me prolong ma shameless confession.

    THOU SHALL NOT KILL.

    Man when I feature this; various stories come to ma mind
    Makes me compute all tha heads I have popped; combined
    Me dpredict when you can get napped; So gotta keep ma seats strapped
    Should keep ma ass alive; ma shorty’s and protect ma turf too
    So you cant criticise me for all da junk I get into
    Someone mess with me mess with ma whole crew
    Hes gonna be transformed into a bloody stew

    THOU SHALT NOT COMMIT ADULTERY.

    Yo man! I have been excecutin this since I was thirteen
    I maltreated a butterfly who was only fifteen
    But right now I remorse it entirely
    I was into pornography since the era I was born
    So much into it that I have a business of ma own
    Homosexuality and masturbation- I have tried that 2
    I have tried everything until I had nothing to do.

    THOU SHALT NOT STEAL.

    That’s like inducing me to tumble ma day job
    Rob from Govt. and G’s not tha day-to-day mob
    Steal from tha rich to feed tha poor
    That’s how I play; just aspire ma game endure

    Broke tha next one by executin a false testament
    Had to do it: save ma ass from imprisonment
    Slept with ma foes bitch; that’s how I broke tha 10th commandment
    Which is not worthy for this guiltiness filled confinement

    Tha conclusion that I am comin to
    Is give your sins a lil shampoo
    Go to a priest and concede your sins
    God will bestow you another opening
    When your new life begins.
    Last edited by revolutionist1; February 24th, 2006 at 03:05 PM Reason: change a mistake

  2. #2

  3. #3

  4. #4
    need sme feedbcks people. so plz keep it cmin.

  5. #5
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    yo man...i liked what you were trying to do with this piece....but I dont see any wordplay, multis inners or anything really hittin here. The flow was okay, but there is definitely a lot of room for elevation. keep tryin. You've got the concepts which in my opinion is the hardest part. Do me a favor and leave some feed in my open mic post. thanks. one.

    5/10

  6. #6
    thnx bruv 4 tha feednack. appreciate it. did wht u said.

  7. #7

  8. #8
    uppin ppl need loads of feedback

  9. #9
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    yeah this was a nice piece.............great topic.....good wordplay and structure. juss need to elevate a lil bit.....overall it was dope. 9/10 pz.

  10. #10
    sfe bruv. uppin ppl.

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mc pyro.'s Avatar
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    yo this peice was fuckin ill yo in every aspect of rap i read through and cant find nuttin wrong i especilly liked the topic real original the format was also nice stay up
    leave feed on my om question
    hit up these om's wit some feed

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  12. #12
    uppin ppl. need more feedbck. sfe for tha comments.

  13. #13
    uppin ppl. need sme feedbck on this piece.

  14. #14
    the idea is overused IMO, people try writing ot this matter than see it as creative, yet it happend allot ..

    on the piece itself.. your vocab was poor, flow was on point sometimes, i didnt really feel the story you tryed to share with us, nothing really stood out` elevate a little in writing & keep trying.
    Artificial Intelligence

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