Lyrical Delirium [non-stop rhymin']

[tonecrusher]

Gotta have a helluva lung to spit this right XD


Ain't no serial killa's victims on cerial boxez; here comez the lyrical miracle, this shit's serious, toxic/
This be bangin' yo' stereos, chicks be gettin' 'em periods,
This gon' blow out yo' earrings, welcome to lyrical delirium/
The Fearsome; the Fearless;
You got a beer belly, I be havin' a beer chest.
Playin' with words, pullin' birds, I'm the preferred,
I be heard within local blocks, ticky-tocks/
The clock stops.....................You gon' be packin' yo' socks,
Move out the town, 'fore you get popped, end up in the box.
I ain't gon' hesitate, meditate, you're mixtapin', I edit tapes,
I penetrate holes with ma' pole; shit I gon' set it straight/
You make your whack style sound nice with 'em tight beats,
I make whack beats sound nice with my tight lines;
There's no denial, get wild while postin' filez
My number be gettin' dialed, whack rapperz be gettin' silenced/
I'm multiplyin' the vital energy, sighin' while you be stealin' my rhymes, homie, see you on trials;
Bathin' with vials, and swimmin' by with piranhas,
And spinnin' 'em vinyls; critics put curses upon us/
I'm the finest; you're gettin' damage, goddamit,
Been gettin' banadages, ain't it? I been gettin' bandanas;
Shit gone bananas, and none of y'all ever outran us,
Yo, fuck a platinum status; call me your Phantom Menace////


Uffffff, ran outta breath.

Feedbacks, please.

Peace.

Krit!cal

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271976

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=271548

[tonecrusher]

C'mon y'all lazy asses, read up and leave some feeds, that's what this forum's for

*Contructive feeds, yo.

[tonecrusher]

9 viewz and no muthafucka able to leave feedz.

G'ahead, g'ahead...

[-IsIs-]

meh..the flow seemed a little off to me. the structure was shakey in some places..but if this was a REAL freestyle thats to be expected. the free overall was pretty dope..the rhymes were alright the rhyme-scheme was pretty original it had its own style to it. the multies in this werent really apparent for the most part. the complexity made up for it though. try to make the last 2 words rhyme constantly. it improves the entire piece. and when you get good at it..it becomes natural. overall i will give you a 7.5/10. pretty nice. keep droppin homie. peep my sigged om out.

-Peace

[tonecrusher]

Thanx for the feed dawg, I appreciate it.
Ye, I tried to make it more of a freestyle broken rap, y'know what I mean? Jumpin' off the beat sometimes, but then gettin' back on in the next line, maybe...Playin' with it.

Thanx again.

Uppin'

[Gucci.]

First of all this is text. No breathing is there hahaha. Do audio for that. But as far as writing....iight. i can tell u like the gangsta type of writing. But with that...u need to make it more creative at the same time. So that it doesn't read like the rest of the shit out there. Develop ur own style with writing. N try n use sum fancy wordplay to really get the reader in to it. Your talking bout murdering other people...great....use wordplay with that....But more than nething get more creative. Keep writing buddy. ~1~

[tonecrusher]

I see what you mean

I ain't talkin' 'bout murderin' people though muaaaaahhahahahha

Oh, and there IS plenty space for breathin', try rappin' it out on a beat, trust me...

Developin' my own style is precisely what I'm tryin' to do, with precisely the wordplay I use... Local blocks/ticky-tocks/clock stops; orm hesitate/meditate/you're mixtapin' - I edit tapes...

I planned this piece to be a pure entertainment full-of-rhymez drop, y'know what I mean? Some gangsta shit, some street shit...Just havin' fun.

I see what your point is though, it still helps out, so I appreciate your feed, man. Thanx.

Peace

Krit!cal

[tonecrusher]

Upping

[tonecrusher]

THIRTY TWO VIEWS Goddamit what the hell?

Am the only one who, if he reads somthin, leaves a fuckin' feedback?

[tonecrusher]

Uppin' ffs 2 feeds only

[tonecrusher]

Hyperactive-fuckin'-forum ain't it