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Thread: Shes gone...

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Arrow Shes gone...

    yo,this is ma 1st ever piece in open mic,so it aint going to be that hot but we all gotta start somewhere


    Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
    how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
    she is no more 6 ft below da floor

    1/She gave birth to you,cared for you,looked after you
    when she was here,you had no fear of her leaving ur world~she was ur world
    ur star,your sun,you light she always did you right
    your 1st day at school,she was wid u every step of the way
    you was young you tought shed always be by ya side,never go away~she picked you up everyday without fail
    in sun,rain,snow or gail
    BUT NOW...

    Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
    how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
    she is no more 6 ft below da floor

    2/i grew older got other intersts,i started 2 fink i didnt need you no more.
    now after school i started going to the pool with my friends.
    i thought she no longer cared but little did i know she was always standing there.
    watching me move on
    she thinks i forgot how she brought me up..little does she know that i appreciate everything she gave me,everything i got
    BUT NOW....

    Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
    how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
    she is no more 6 ft below da floor

    3/as we grew,we started 2 part,i didnt like it wen she wud lay down the law
    we wud arque,fight....almost turn into a brawl.
    we never spoke,then u turn around nd tell me were broke
    i didnt understand,everything seemed so perfect
    our rowls must of took effect.
    you told me you cudnt cope,you were resorting to smoking the dope.
    i walk back from school alone,remembering the times you were by my side~fuck how did i let it slide?
    i open the door.walk in school bag on the table
    sat there just waiting for you to come through that door and put things straight~~i cudnt wait~everything was going to be so great
    i walked upstairs nothing seemed right
    bathroom door open
    SHIT,there she is sprawled out on the bathroom floor,i guess this is out punishment but what for?

    well at leastshes gone to heaven
    fuck it,MUM IMA MISS U 24/7

    Hook: shes gone,she aint coming back no more
    how ever much you pray she aint eva come back through dat door
    she is no more 6 ft below da floor

    please can ya drop me some feedback,what u fink of this ?
    please drop me some feed on this piece


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    peace

  2. #2
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    come on drop by nd leave a feedback would be much appreciated
    please drop me some feed on this piece


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    peace

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    as ya ent got no feed so far i thought i might aswell leave suttin...
    i was feelin this piece stil but ya need 2 work on ya structure, & ur wording but as u said its ur first so its kool.. if u just continue 2 improve then u'll get there.. i liked tha first verse.. but on a real dow all ya lines were mostly stretched.. but keep at it aiite hun...1
    ''Crying Is Blackmail''

  4. #4
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    dis drop was nice i kept wantin to read more of it just fix a couple lines and u got a hit

  5. #5
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    cheers man,
    ne particular lines u reckon need 2 rewrote?

    ne more comments?
    please drop me some feed on this piece


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    peace

  6. #6
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    Ur piece kept ur reader's interested...u just need 2 work on ur structure.
    It was cool 4 ur 1st OM, just fix ur structure & u'll b good-2-go.
    U really created an image 4 us & that was the best part.
    Props on using ur xperiences, they make the best flo's.
    I liked ur Hook the best, it helped 2 tie everything 2gether.
    Keep postin

    Chk my OM if u got time. I'm new 2 it 2 & could use HELPFUL feed. Gracias!
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=270190

  7. #7
    Banned thekamakaziguy's Avatar
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    lol, owned out wid the song

    /james batty LOL

    nice 1 m8 :P

  8. #8
    Cunnilingus Oxymoron's Avatar
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    aight jus work on structure its quite bad but not that bad keep elevaring nice for your first peice...
    MoistPuss'
    Smoother than smooth

    You know. You know. Cause when you know, you know. You Know.

    The mind without a brain
    \i/

  9. #9
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    cheers 4 all yall comments
    thanks much appreciated

    still welcoming more
    please drop me some feed on this piece


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    peace

  10. #10
    Redwood Ryan's Avatar
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    yo this piece was aight...nuthin really rhymed tho which is kinda ehhh...also you need another bar in tha hook for it to sound rite...otherwise, not too bad for a first tyme...
    6.5/10

  11. #11
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    cheers
    ne more comments please drop em
    please drop me some feed on this piece


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    peace

  12. #12
    forza italia! jookz.'s Avatar
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    yo hoime..good shit..i liked it i got into what i was reading and thats always good..but like people before me said..ya lines become stretched..and ya structure is a lil off..but if you work on that youll be straight..stay up and keep practicing..~1~

  13. #13
    K.T: The Assassin ~ladie_streetz~'s Avatar
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    you need some elevation on your flow okay work on droppin a better flow along the line and try to come more creative it was okay not too bad you just need to work on structure n flow basically as well as vocab skills
    THE FAMILY.

  14. #14
    The Massacre
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    ok,
    the Flow was There but to me it was a lil hard to find
    i like the Story u was telling
    I Felt ur Pain in a way
    Wordplay was not bad but not Great Juss Good
    Like I Said the Flow was a lil Shaking
    The Body was OK
    7/10 work on Da Flow and You'll be Str8

  15. #15
    Aged Like Fine Wine
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    dawg it was good main i liked how you hade the whole song down cho. and all but work on your structure a little and it'll be real good...and vocab... overall i think it was iight 7/10 keep it up B...holla

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