first free post, feedback please

[Tönic]

cut back, cut back, cut ya back down ya spine
stab stab stab at the attacks tricklin down the line
take hooks through ya breast plate
slice you and halves seperate
murderous actions in my dream sequences
gonna take care of this haunting experience
think im just hurtin myself to cure the pain
but im hurtin the world around, im insane
want to kill the man on earth and his shame
wake up and my wrists hurt, the blood still remains
if suicide is a sin, then send me to hell
cause nothin hurt more when my heart fell

umm.. not many multis or good vocab... but feedback please
blahh

[Neruda II]

Wow.

Interesting to say the least. I would suggest that you elaborate on your emotions instead of just a straight forward syntax. I actually loved the last two lines, its a surprise to me. I think that you could be a very strong writer in a year or two, you know how to put real emotion into your words, which is something that alot of people lack. Try reading poetry and widening your range of view in life, you'll have more to write about. I'm a fan of gore but if you want to be respected as a writer, or anything actually, you can't just write without structure or at least some grace. Try building imagery around your words. Make your diction appeal to all five senses so the reader can really understand your pain. Keep it up.

RTF.
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=267241

[lyrical~boy]

Repeating syaings or words is not very creative, next time try and rhyme it like "cut back, hump that" lol anything that can make it more creative. Nice rhyming though, keep postin your stuff...

[Bounce]

closed...