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Thread: Excerpts From The Catacombs.

  1. #1
    .Self.
    Guest

    Excerpts From The Catacombs.

    Part One - The Dawn

    Morning gives birth, to the faces of the dawn,
    suits and cases spawn, leavin traces of the calm,
    on with the sunlight, words to make it run-right,
    scenery plays one-life, then expires to the next,
    perfect respect, for every human earning checks,
    flex the necks, of every sacredly written text,
    flipping vex, gracefully faithfully to the next,
    project the voices, equal omega to the heavens,
    angelic essence, delivers this a holy presence,
    solemn guessings, give nature an all-in lesson,
    falling stressing, pressing the cords of the daylight,
    gay-height, reaching clouds with godly play-writes,
    stray-fights, they display the hidden-corridors,
    riven-metaphors, taken by these poet orators,
    set in motion, like particles in the methane,
    strategic moves, improve the fluint like a chess-game,
    the fluid in your stress-brain, circulates the kin,
    triangulate a grin, your racket creates a din,
    regulate the intake of absorbed positive ions,
    return to the methods, that birthed me a Zion,
    rely on, the fuel of presented by the divinty,
    every reason tends to be, givin in simplicity,
    brother enemies, are returning to the Mecca,
    all praises do, to the earths and its Pressure,
    its pleasure, and measures of its Treasures.

    Rise like The golden in the early sights of dawn,
    where the skill calms and rejuvinates its pawn,
    on with the vocab, that releases atomic flavor,
    essence nature, play on with heavens in the major.
    Refreshed the edges, of this eternal movie,
    do-we, communicate to the stars with there beauty,
    rise like the sun, brings revival to our brains,
    pain in the main-frame, humanities survival reigns,
    aim my thoughts, to gamut over radio-waves,
    rays of praise, to gods earths, and the slaves,
    maintain the strategy, to erradicate extinction,
    suppressed suspensions, reaches intimite intentions,
    infinite inventions, tensed a bit, from depression,
    impressions givin, from our branded answers,
    ressessions livin, passed from grandest ancestors,
    brandish us, with the motions towards a profit,
    topics, inhaling evils, with no optic to stop-it,
    we conclude a segment of rhythmic entertainment,
    by providing a conclusion to our every-day-bit,
    realising truth, cannot be viewed from the fiction,
    Life is death, entangled in an artificial vision,
    a prison, a dignitary escapes death, with religion,
    seek the words of my widom, in a scripture,
    nothings more tangible, them the rhythm my mixture,
    A listener will listen, but ignorant will shy away,
    but they will not prison, this eagle flies today.
    Last edited by .Self.; January 22nd, 2006 at 04:56 PM Reason: uncentered it.

  2. #2

  3. #3
    .Self.
    Guest

  4. #4
    The Mob.
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    good struture Imagary could of been better but the topic was different N' I liked the way you worded it keep on elavating.
    The words I write are oxygen to greatness.

  5. #5
    .Self.
    Guest
    uppin for feedback.

  6. #6
    stick with it .. i liked it ..

  7. #7
    .Self.
    Guest
    uppin for some feedback.

  8. #8
    .Self.
    Guest
    Uppin For Feed!

  9. #9
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    My first impression of this piece is of it being forced. I see your structure and how you've put so much emphasis on the rhyme scheme but I think that your piece as a whole has suffered greatly from it. The message is lost early on and the reader is left with nothing more than just words that rhyme instead of a story line, moral, guideline or true meaning. I'm sure that there is plenty of meaning behind your words but if it's lost in your structure then it's not very effective. Your writing seems familiar though, I'm guessing you're on an alias. Nevertheless, I think you should use your skills to bring the reader in with interesting diction and tone instead of a random monotone rhyming assortion of words. Your imagery peaked at times but was very subdued at others. I sense a talented writer behind this piece. Keep it up.


    RTF.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=267241
    Last edited by Neruda II; January 23rd, 2006 at 11:50 PM
    murder murder

  10. #10
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    Structure was real good, and everythign else fit in, a lot of the stuff I read here at Rb is better than most forums, this didn't seemed forced to me...
    *lyrical~boy*
    Living In Sin City From Sun Up To Sun Down





  11. #11
    .Self.
    Guest
    well thanks to sharp for some real feedback. i was thinking of redewing it. reading it after veiwing your feed made me realize there was truth in what you said. thanks for that. Lyrical thanks for your feed to..

    -Peace.

  12. #12
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    Forced, as mentioned above. This peice had too many questionables for me, your word choice seemed flat out blatantly thrown together. I can't find anything else to comment on, in the future attempts at this sort of scheme make sure you using words that fit the desired message. I couldn't get into this.

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