Just Like He Said (long read but i got an award for this so its worth it)

[Hero.]

I used to have a friend Daemon who had a good heart inside of him
He could always tell if the person that he was talking to would lie to him
And in the beginning stages of are lives he always seemed one step ahead
Because he was a tad bit smarter then me and was the type to absorb what he read
He always said that a bullet to the head was the eventual reason to why he’ll be dead
But he never clearly said why he believed that would be the reasoning behind his death
All through school he was popular and I was kind of his right hand man
He was older by about a year or so, so I looked up to the man
His grades where perfect he was the starting running back
He lived life like he did on the field once he left there was no turning back
In high school he met this girl that he loved, her name was Jen
She was beautiful the type of girl that in any crowd she could blend
And soon in just a couple of years they fell in love together
He told me they made a promise that things would stay like that forever
But it wasn’t till 04 in late December when that promised was remembered
He was involved in gangs his whole life to him that was his family
But with that being his background he couldn’t live so happily
His girl Jen would plead for him to leave the gang she thought it was damaging
The gang fights happened so much that he had a notebook with his fight strategies
He was managing school, job, love life, and his gang
He was going insane with responsibility it was overloading his brain
On December 24th it all fell down and in this fight he whipped out his gun
He went crazy shooting bullets like he was shooting at the sun
20 feet away Jen and I where in his car and she was crying out of fear for him
Because all his “family” hid behind a car while the enemies bullets fell so near to him
But somehow he escaped and in his attempt to dodge bullets he flashed by his car
And through the chaos of the moment blood splattered on the window as the head hit hard
And that’s when all the sound stopped and I realized what just happened
I see Daemon on the ground and noticed his gun stopped from blastin
But then I see Daemon weeping and getting up and then I feel confused
So I scoot up to Jen and ask her what the hell happened to his crew
But then I see in horror her mouth is flooding with her own blood
And the blood splattered on the window was from her rather then her love
And then I see Daemon open the door she was in and grab his notebook from under
And frantically skims through the pages while he’s sweating like it’s summer
As he’s crying he lifts up a folded letter from upon the pad
Looks up to Jen with is face full of tears and sweat and puts it on her lap
As I stay speech less he looks onto her distorted face and says “I should be dead”
Then he takes his gun from of the ground and puts a bullet in his head
I slowly lift the letter from her lap as I realize that both crews had fled
Then I slowly opened up the letter and this is what it said…

Dear Jen, Remember the first time in school you ever sat next to me
I bet you could feel the vibrations of my heart it was beating so heavily
You where heavenly I wanted to talk to you but the nerves would get to me
So I asked my friend to start a conversation with you and subtly mention me
So you went up to me during lunch and started to mess with me
Playfully getting to know me and then you started to vent to me
And after a few years of me listening you started to have interest in me
I always loved you outside and in but it wasn’t till then you liked me physically
And then soon after we fell in love equally and figured out we where meant to be
Jen don’t you see, you bring out the best in me
But at this moment in time I feel this is my destiny
Believe me your heartbreak hurts my heart and the rest of me
And because of you I fell as if nobody was half as blessed as me
In this letter I ask you not just to remember me in memory
But know that I’ll be in your heart that’s how I want you to cherish me
Because then I can live on through you, long after my perishing

Then he went on to say how this gang fight was his last
And how he just knew in his heart that he would die with a gun blast
And yes he thought it was his destiny but he didn’t think Jen would be dead
In the end it was death with a bullet in his head...Just like he said

[Hero.]

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=261798
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...69#post3747469

[Tim]

good piece nice the way it started but i kinda felt so of the lines were a bit stretched no hate just telling you that it felt like i was reading a line forever good job on the emotion factor though had you think a little sucks this is getting slept on overl ight piece stay up keep wrtiing

[Hero.]

thnx for the feedback i appreciate that, uppin for more.

[Hero.]

people sleepin on this.

[Hero.]

up.

[Baron Mynd]

I thought you were Mischief Maker/Loki or whatever he's calling himself now, you write similarly. One thing id suggest is to add multies into your verse, develop the rhyme scheme more and enhance the flow to your joints. At the moment, you seem to have a basic grasp on scheme, but your pieces would improve tenfold if you'd incorporate multies into your shit. Another thing is emotion, I think you stuggled to deliver the emotion needed to pull this piece off. You tried to convey it, but you could of done a better job - again, thats something you'll pick up on as you improve. I cant see that you'd of won an award for this, in all honesty. There's potential there, but there are plenty better wrote up in this forum now alone. Lol. No beef, just my genuine thoughts. Overall I liked this, you had a good little story going and with time, you'll grow into a good topical head as long as you keep pushing yourself.

Keep it up bro.

[Hero.]

thnx for the comment, and no im not mischeif maker or loki or watever, but yea thnx for the comment, uppin...

[MISTA GRIM]

i liked this---it was very long but i was glad i read it...........i like the way u described things and kept a deep timeframe, etc.. u know it wasd dope ill give it a 9-10 keep it up.............do u gotz an alias........ohhh and if u wanna join kronik flow u got a spot waiting

[Hero.]

na i dont gotta alias, im might check your crew out.

[Hero.]

shit all those veiws and just acouple of replys, damn uppin this, i return feedback on everything.

[Hero.]

up.

[Hero.]

up. people are sleepin on this.

[MC Offensive]

Wat are multies

[Hero.]

uppin.