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Thread: Just Like Daddy

  1. #1
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    Just Like Daddy

    a baron sea of white powder, each flake drifts a-rye
    the air is suffocated with snow, as white sheets split the sky
    the oak sits with lost decour, great frosts twinge its spine
    grasping toward the little chimney, where warmth spills and dies

    ...
    now little Gina nestles comfortably by the mantle - reading books
    with not a worry on her mind, so blind, with innocent seeded looks
    down the wood floor at her brother, Tommy, about to turn thirteen
    flicking the matches he found in grampas pipe box, burning leaves
    and turning cheeks - cos mommy just found him, snatched the fire sticks
    i guess playing with flames in a house made of wood was not a finer thing
    but it was too cold to play on the tire swing, and daddy was hard at work
    - a carpenter - he made cabinets, but really loved carving wood
    and he really loved his booze, well - its not so much a love but fuel
    so lets say there were days in school when Tommy said he fell on tools
    and that explained Gina's swollen lip - i guess the kids were prone to trip
    but when daddy came home late, mommy knew to scold them quick
    and send them off to bed - it was all really quite American
    from the beat up Ford in the drive way to the way Gramps mocked the derelicts

    buds and bees and birds return, a cricket chirps its tune
    color's back in fashion, spread the butterflies all burst cacooons


    Tommy loved his dad - wanted to be just like him when he got older
    every kid needs an idol to write essays about and see as bolder
    and now Tommy was staying late after school for sparking fights
    he just wanted to mimic daddy - he heard the sounds at dark in nights
    deep down he was a good kid, sense of humor - though the darkest kind
    the type to wave a bloody cloth in water to see if sharks would bite
    and, though mommy hated his marked outcries, Tommy was her baby boy
    and even as it blasted in her face, she refused to face the noise
    so she ignored the teacher calls, "how can they speak ill of little Tommy?"
    its a shame Tommy despised her, approached with spitting, mocking
    the frying pan just called, and soon she'd hear the griddle knocking

    the trees and shrubs and leaves and such full bloom, and drum fortunes
    and the warmth becomes heat, so then the heat becomes tourture


    Grampa had died last week - a tragedy to all that knew him
    but presently, Gina was jumping rope beside the oak with quickened movement
    Tommy was clutching a magnifying glass and burning ants
    trying to concentrate and kill over his sisters disturbing rants
    "SHUT UP" - he billowed, a temperment that had grown the last months
    still volitile from the All-Star Baseball team where he was past up
    he packed up, tried to run away, but had nowhere to run to
    so he's stuck screaming at his sister, his facial glare declared 'disgruntled'
    but she didn't stop her chanting, nor her rope jumping nor her smiling
    Tommy's anger built and built, his teeth were steady grinding
    till he lashed out, ran across to the oak and slammed her down
    threw two fists into her face, until mommy began to shout

    the leaves have found a new shade, a red and yellow complexion
    and though the thorns remain on roses, it seems the petals have left it


    with a shaking right hand, daddy staggers into the living room
    mommy and Gina are getting their hair cut at the salon, with scissors, spools
    ..and all sorts of gadgets and things men want no part of
    Tommy's happy he gets to hang out with his dad, and go to a barber
    and he had just returned from his counciling session, though he hated them
    fourty minutes of questions, chewed on longer than tasteless gum
    - he played with them, but they seemed to know him better than ever
    he only went because it gives him a chance to where his good sweater
    ......and now he's showing daddy his newest baseball cards before they leave
    daddy tries to brush him off, but he doesn't seem to see
    so a push - a shove away, "leave me alone you rotten kid"
    but daddy didn't notice the recent actions and the way Tommy gets
    and so when mommy and Gina returned, in through the doorstep
    they saw daddy propped up with a machette stuck in his torn neck
    and the words "Just Like Daddy" carved deep in his forehead

    a wind blew through the forest, through the branches great and tall
    and that same wind grasped the brown leaves from the oak and made them fall...

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    Awards SS HW Champion Haiku Champion FL Champion PS Champion/IE Champion WOP Champion OM HOF PC HOF 50+ Wins
    dope......nice vocab and imagery........flowed well wit the stroy line homes...........................................ni ce drop and keep em comin homes.


    peace..................
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  4. #4
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    thanx

  5. #5
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    upppp

  6. #6
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    jesus christ.. up

  7. #7
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Hmmmm..

    I liked the imagery done in the first paragraph.
    Which kept me reading..The story line was
    interesting not great but not boring.

    some parts were sorta vague just the way
    the story went about jumping through scenes
    in away..Be more discriptive with events when
    your story telling...Ummm the emotion in this
    piece was somewhat displayed... vocabulary
    was cool flow was there..

    Your story line actually now thinking about it more
    was pretty good. Just need to be more discriptive.
    Like you metaphor.

    The ending of this piece was somewhat predictive
    however it wasn't because of
    the way you set it up and you went along
    with the topic very well.

    Overall well done stay writing.
    Last edited by Illus'; January 1st, 2006 at 06:45 PM

  8. #8
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    thanx... uppin

  9. #9
    Banned Percept's Avatar
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    .....

  10. #10
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    this mothafucka is probably gonna try and battle himself again

  11. #11
    o shit its twisted the bitter ......the person who battles himself an votes for himslef LMAO!!....wow kid still up to wat u do best huh ........ur wack kill urself now

  12. #12

  13. #13
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    hahaha mothafucka you suck dick i still wanna battle you but you might get your million usernames on me

  14. #14
    y would u do that shit...

  15. #15
    Crucial.
    Guest
    shit was nice.

    only problem.

    it took to long to develop.
    a lota shit in there that didnt need to be.

    Fillar.

    its good to be descriptive, which you were, but it carried on to long. The twist was dope no doubt. but simplify some shit to make the twist more effective.

    nice read though.

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