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Thread: the young child

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mcl's Avatar
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    the young child

    the young child, head in hands, mourning
    having heard those gun shots on that dark morning
    kneeled over his fathers body, screaming
    once watery eyes, now streaming
    no sierns, just silence
    created by those few moments of wildness
    what a great fathers day it turned out to be
    the so young child, what he had to see
    bulletts cut trough the air and then, pierce a lung
    he feels like the platform has been removed and hes just bin hung
    now hes hugging the body, the fire starts in his eyes
    anger generates, just after some one close dies
    he stands up and sees the mack on the floor
    picks it up, looks for the killer and starts screaming for more
    his grip tightens, and the trigger spring hardens
    passing pedestrians still lying in gardens
    he lifts up the gun, the bullets explodes and digs deep
    his muslces relax and he lays dead in a heap
    Runnin with
    the divided
    PoEtic JustUs
    spitfire

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    The young child

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    Cross Hatching

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  2. #2
    Newbie Absinthe's Avatar
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    I like the imagery of the kid crying, and the environment. It would be real interesting to know why the father got shot though- I mean, right now it's just out in the air, he just get's shot. And your description of the killer made it seem like it wasn't just some random tap. It was emotional - something inside. Would be nice to see that in there, 7/10 as is. probably a 9/10 if you beef it up a little. Good job.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mcl's Avatar
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    cheers bro
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    The young child

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    Cross Hatching

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  4. #4
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mcl's Avatar
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    uppin 4 feed
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    The young child

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    Cross Hatching

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  5. #5
    TwixSin
    Guest
    really deep peice here... not alot of complex vocab or big words but was not really needed... you got your point across.... i see alot of potential here... nice work...
    keep it up man. you have a good style and its not too gangster.... theres not much room for gangsters in open mic hah.

  6. #6
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    this was a pretty good drop man
    the topic was iight and the vocab was too simple
    rhymes were aiight...flow was pretty god but sum places choppy
    strucutre was pretty iight not all that good just iight
    just keep elevating..peace

  7. #7
    Po'Ethics
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    You wrote well here... I was quite surprised... You had some good imagery.. It was quite a played topic and it wasn't particularly complex or technical, but it showed potential. I think if you set yourself a decent topic, spent some time with it you'd have a great piece in the end.

    Keep at it, you have potential...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  8. #8
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    Dude, that was a tight flow, i dont know the rules right now, but i think i got a flow too

    Im hard to impress but it was good

  9. #9
    XxXGodzXGiftXxX
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    That was cool, i was feelin how u flowed it.
    nice topic to

    Keep it up my nigg

  10. #10
    Newbie XL's Avatar
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    Good Imigary.
    I like this one short and sweet, it made me think of so many films where someone close to a character gets shot and allough pretty stupid becuase of the charaters anger he just stands up and walks shooting, loads of people scared for there lives around hiding etc... but he just keeps stood straight firing.
    You can actually imagine yourself doing it, good idea man keep it up.
    Repetitively battling better than all competitors!

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! mcl's Avatar
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    cheers bro
    Runnin with
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    PoEtic JustUs
    spitfire

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    The young child

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    Cross Hatching

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  12. #12
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    You leave shitty feedback, Closed.

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