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Thread: Lost But Loved

  1. #1
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    Lost But Loved

    Lost But Loved

    Love is a life time feeling, but feeling lost is temporary.
    Gone, lost the Memorable thoughts of healing, pictures of death for some isnt scary.
    Because they wish to die at night, left in the ashes.
    Bloody red on their home floor, wnating to permanatly view the back of there eyelids.
    They hate their life at times, But acually dont know whats under their nose.
    Loved but misunderstood, leaving his voice mimed, no open doors to go throug, all are closed.
    Leaves his family, Spirit wise, with a gun in his hand.
    Still doesnt live happily, bodies paralyzed, From his feet up to his overy glands.
    Sore eyes from the thought of lonlyness, He makes more pain, because he ran out of tears.
    His head head hangs like he's shoulderless, and explains to god that he has no fears.
    Doesnt thinkl about how he is loved by his inside.
    He's not sober, so the man on his shoulder takes him for a ride.
    Horns and all, red like this boy want to see his wrists.
    He wanted the devil in his life, now he has him, all his mom coudl say is tisk.
    He then realized this was all a thought, living life in his dreams.
    He then wakes up from a 3 month coma, looks around and find his mom her knees.
    Praying to the lord that he would be ok in time, the feels him get up off his back.
    More tears come out, and the boy begin's to let it out and he cracks.
    His whole life all he needed was a kiss and a hug.
    But when he noticed his mom's tears on his shoulder, he realized he was Lost But Loved.


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  4. #4
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    uppin.

  5. #5
    .:The Topical Guru:. Trema's Avatar
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    ...

    hmm this is a hard wun i mean in sum places it sounds dope in others its too stretched out. I think your vocab is on point but you need to sort out yo structure seriously. Coz thats whats holding back this as a good piece. But props to you coz your a noweight but this has potential keep it up
    written voices makes hidden noises

  6. #6
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    thanx, yeahn they a lil streatched out but w.e

  7. #7
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    Bump!

  8. #8
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    bump for sum.

  9. #9
    ..in chains? Naw!
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    Positives:
    Your biggest asset is your emotion, man. You write it from a 3rd
    person perspective, but you seem to still be involved in this guys
    life. Which is cool. Sketchy moments throughout, where I didn't
    know where I was, but you made me feel sorry for the person
    who was highlighted. Props.

    Negatives:
    There was quite a few I'm sorry to say. First off, we both
    know from first glance, it looks stretched. & straight away
    that puts people off. No matter what anybody says,
    what is nice to the eye, you are gonna be interested more.
    You also had a lot of forced rhyming in there:-

    He wanted the devil in his life, now he has him, all his mom coudl say is tisk.
    ^ That just wasn't nice at all, man. Forced as hell. Keep
    working on rhymes and mix your words up with fresh vocab.

    Overall:
    This wasn't a bad piece by all means. But it didn't have the
    hallmarks of a good piece either. Keep writing, and I see your
    in TNL, so keep getting as many tips offa Tim as possible.

    -Brix.

    Hit up the link below to my piece.

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...70#post3574770
    ArtificialIntelligence
    Sacred Scriptures Champ: 2006.....Brixton

  10. #10
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    yeah, i didnt like thisone much....it was a lil wacked out...check out my other one....called No One Cares....probly similar but better.

  11. #11
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    No more upping. Way too much already.

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