User Tag List

Page 1 of 2 1 2 LastLast
Showing results 1 to 15 of 20

Thread: Now she's gone

  1. November 24th, 2005, 10:34 AM #1
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11

    Now she's gone

    I See her and my lungs get full with emotional air
    me and her connect like exstention cords and plugs
    shes around my heart growls I get hungry for love
    want and need her by my side like my two shoulders
    never get tired of her she keeps me awake like caffine
    her touch is warm hands attract heat sun light
    skin is perfect she has a prodigy body genius moisture
    takes away my stress evolves my heart into hers
    her brain is techonology she thinks for both of us
    she wants everything to be about me like a unborn son
    my love for her will never fade it will just get darker sun tan
    her name is printed into my soul with permanant love
    I love her deep emotion uncryed tears unfinish love
    pleasure kisses she is my friend my girl my guardian
    and now shes gone



    1st
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...4&page=2&pp=15

    2cd
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=250690&page=4
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  2. November 24th, 2005, 10:43 AM #2
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11
    uppin ..................know its short but leave feedback plz
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  3. November 24th, 2005, 11:20 AM #3
    D. Jizzle.
    D. Jizzle. is offline
    Hi there!
    Join Date
    Sep 2005
    Posts
    5,568
    Battle Record
    64-28
    it was alright the vocab was pretty good the title was ok the topic was normal nothing to good but i rate it 6 outta 10 u couldve made it longer

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  4. November 24th, 2005, 11:35 AM #4
    ~flOw cOnductOr~
    Guest
    im not sure on dis i think u were tryin abit too hard wit da imagery n it showed the rhyme structure was slacking. u had gd vocab but couldve done more with wat u do have. i feel wat u tryin to do but fo me it felt like it was all forced n jus abit messy.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  5. November 24th, 2005, 11:40 AM #5
    "lil Neefy"
     
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Harrisburg
    Age
    37
    Posts
    4,807
    Battle Record
    18-9
    i already critiqued it for you dude...

    but this should have been in the poetry corner lol
    Roc-A-Fella !
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  6. November 24th, 2005, 12:00 PM #6
    Q.S
    Q.S is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Posts
    5,947
    Battle Record
    30-3
    Sounds more poetic rather than OM material.
    It's deep and short. Not bad.

    My fav lines were :

    her brain is techonology she thinks for both of us
    she wants everything to be about me like a unborn son
    Keep on writin.
    QueenStyle
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  7. November 24th, 2005, 03:42 PM #7
    SinAmen
    SinAmen is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Posts
    774
    Battle Record
    7-2
    Too short.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  8. November 24th, 2005, 06:20 PM #8
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11
    more feed
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  9. November 24th, 2005, 06:23 PM #9
    Devils_Diamond
    Devils_Diamond is offline
    LyRiCaL sHiNoBi Devils_Diamond's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2005
    Location
    Wisconsin
    Age
    36
    Posts
    873
    Battle Record
    2-5
    too short maybe, but i liked it alot, keep up the good scriptures and i'll keep lookin for you. stay up

    To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 50 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.

    Im that supernova Recruit Troopa Soulja,
    Takin out Brutes as Huge as Boulders
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  10. November 24th, 2005, 07:45 PM #10
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11
    upp
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  11. November 24th, 2005, 09:42 PM #11
    evil king
    evil king is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title! evil king's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Posts
    4,143
    Battle Record
    33-38
    uppppppppppppppppp
    If actions speak louder than words I have nothing to prove.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  12. November 24th, 2005, 10:09 PM #12
    DiMs_831
    DiMs_831 is offline
    Newbie DiMs_831's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2005
    Location
    Hollister, Ca
    Age
    36
    Posts
    31
    you were on the right track with this piece...you just like 'flow conductor' pointed out tryed a little to hard on the imagery...it had the potential but u lack the right aspects in alot of areas..and if ya want some proper feedback you should post these poetic pieces in the poetic scriptures
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  13. November 25th, 2005, 12:32 AM #13
    evil king
    evil king is offline
    You've Earned a Custom Title! evil king's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    Brooklyn
    Posts
    4,143
    Battle Record
    33-38
    ....................
    If actions speak louder than words I have nothing to prove.
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  14. November 25th, 2005, 08:35 AM #14
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11
    uppin for more feed
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
  15. November 25th, 2005, 05:16 PM #15
    young hov
    young hov is offline
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2005
    Location
    Klingberg
    Age
    34
    Posts
    961
    Battle Record
    9-11
    uppin...........
    Reply With Quote Reply With Quote
« Previous Thread | Next Thread »

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •  

Forum Rules