Jealous Genesis (first draft)

[NuM-WuN]

please give me some feed on how to make this better peeps..oNE

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...59#post3483959
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...29#post3484029

"One lived a life of faith...................................
................................the other out of jealousy"

Here's a story of sin, the beginning of homicide
a story of lies, and when the very first son died
its like a sun rise--always ending with a falling action
but compared to todays happenings this story's only a fraction

A devilish seed, born out of the womb of greed and desire
two of the same breed, hatched from the hearts of two liars
requirements met: a sacrifice in honor of their father
one put his heart out while the other didn't even bother
and the father accepted his whole hearted son's portion
leavin the other son unwanted, like desires for abortion
its quality not quantity, character not proportion
this devious son was contorted like inequality
morbid and jealous where his jealousy turned to wrath
and wrath turned to detest, his mind followed the wrong path
with the aftermath of plannin a scheme, fatal retaliation
an inconvenient excruciation depicts the scene:

two teenagers battlin for their lives, one with green eyes
jealousy allowing him to kick his kin between the thighs
a fight till one dies, the demise of one's life
abruptly jealousy released a butterfly knife
frightening his brother to death, attemptin to run
where he collided with an appletree, his life was done

he was labeled a dead son then was nailed in the casket
parents never knew, he was afraid they'd blow a gasket
like a toddler unfastened, accident's bound to happen
feeling sorrow he took internal blame for his actions
Now in anger management, taking classes to defeat his purpose
but under six feet of surface lies his surviving brother--nervous
the tree only knocked him out, a temporary death
now a live corpse is suffocating to it's last breath

and if you've heard a similar story, then you probably have
and that's a fact cause this was written on Cain and Abel's behalf
and Cain had left his parents without an incite to discover
a premeditated murder of his own righteous brother
as for a moral to the story, maximize your potential
don't give in to jealousy cause its never inconsequential

[EyeBite]

you had a pretty dope rhyme scheme homie..flow was smooth and strucutre was even...topic seemed interesting..it caught my attention....this was enjoyable to read..overall this was good....keep it up homie......peace....check out my Om linkz in my sig leave sum feed..thanks

[Syk.iLL]

jealousy allowing him to kick his kin between the thighs

This line is great becuase it reflect the theme of birth and genisis in a such a discrete way. Overall the rhyme scheeme was dope and the flow was on point throughout. Vocab was intelligent which is a plus but didnt go thesaurus on our asses. Overall i liked the topic of the piece and how you revealed to us atr the end it is a story people are familiar with. Great job.

[NuM-WuN]

uppin...

[NuM-WuN]

.....^^^^

[NuM-WuN]

uppin this

[NuM-WuN]

uppin...leave links for me to hit up after you leave some feed..

[NuM-WuN]

ZZZZ...lets not sleeep on this one..

[NuM-WuN]

upppin for ANY feeed...i will return the favor on your OM

[React]

this was good, some awesome metaphors and the flow was pretty decent...... the 4th stanza was the best, with the jealosy line

. dope

hit up my piece, "standing at the grave"

[warchild]

Another good verse on Om damn somethings happened since i left lol.
I really liked this piece, the concept was good and like the last Om i read you did justice to it. You could of went over the top with emotion and made this really corny but you didnt the emotion was probably the nicest thing about the verse. The vocab was real nice that really brought the emotion out you could of went over the top with it and that would of made the verse cryptic and it would of spoilt the piece but you balanced the vocab out well.
Your imagery was very nice you described the situations in the piece in great detail i was really feeling the shit you was saying which rarely happens when i read Oms. The flow was ok but i think a few more multies would of added a bit more complexity to the verse. BUt fuck it i still loved this piece, keep writing keep posting i'll be looking out for your future OMs.
Return the feed on my Om:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=250913

[NuM-WuN]

thanks for the feed you guys...upping

[NuM-WuN]

uppp

[MrShiftyBP]

Really niiiiicee. I love the originality and i really think you can turn this into a great great song. Hope to see another version soon.

[SinAmen]

Pretty cool... the read was rough, I should say, but in the end you titled it well.

G'job..