Goodbye, Mr. Hyde. (OM Vets Feed this please)

[Dat]

Goodbye, Mr. Hyde.

Deepness, creepily my only weakness to flow to…
The darkness sealing my parse, least green grass seems to grow through…
Density of duplicity, my separate represent hides his face,
Shadows displaced, misplaced fate divided my paced state…
Killing with a guilty neck weight, thrilled to be in filthy check mate,
Billing my next - faintly whim in the husky scent of my next date…
Biding my time, ticking over sublime rhymes to speak my mind,
Riding on crime, invisible to justice - oozing prime signs of benign,
Stomach reeling to bust; crusty creations crave to come out untouched,
Breezy I am in my lust, wanting daunting thoughts to vacate as much…

My mirrored identity, invents in me a mentality sprouting dents in me,
Screaming to breathe, simmered in lentil leaves - my calm face floored by immense unease..
Drench me please - entrenched in torn thoughts born from a tall sport..
Trying to keep my own and retort - bought me an untaught line to a small court,
Hating my inner sinner, still trimmer in a perfect parody of evil pie…
Hating I, even whimper to sigh of my treason to sympathy - he will cry..
Hiding aside, confide brighter thoughts to his lugubrious sides bridle..
Siding with pride, I switch minds and invite lies while I sidle illustrious but idle..
Hobby of cry wolf, my chin may skulk in a grey bulk, I fly south to a blistered tide,
Dual morality fried… I hold my mind against the barrel as I say goodbye to Mr Hyde.

Only drop feedback if you know what Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde is. Mature criticism only please.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...67#post3389367
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...8&page=2&pp=15

[Mackin']

very nice piece.

the vocab was standing out in this piece, it was very good. structure and flow were nice to. also the multi's in this were very effective, made it more enjoyable to read. all around this was a dope piece. 8.5/10

[`Ink]

Okaly Dokaly.

This peice was below masterful, but slightly above average. You started off nice and ended this peice as well. Of course repeating the title. First, to start off with, Your structure wasnt very good at all. You had lines going all over the place. Some were short and nice, other were even placed into 2 lines, being so long. My suggestion, go over your peice next time, try to shorten lines as much as you can while still getting your point across, maybe not center it, right align, or even let it stay all the way to the left. But no worries, structure isnt really what makes the peice good, thats just what helps the reader follow along. I also liked your choice in font, made it look neat, fancy in a sort of sence. Next well move to your multies and such. Now, at some points your multies seemd a bit, forced, if you will. Then again, at other times your multies were down right on point, couldnt get any better. A suggestion, what I do is usually rhym 3-4 times every bar. But, to make it NOT sound choppy, you have to match your sylables, 4-4-4-4 or 2-2-2-2 with the words your rhyming with, then when you get more advanced you can rhyme 2-3 words, both having 5 syllables each. You will elevate as you move along. Next Ill move onto your imagry, I liked the topic, I myself know who Mr Hyde is, I liked the way you expressed this peice in some aspects, then again falling off slightly in some aspects as well. My suggestion, look up on this topic, get as much info on this as you can, even when you think you know everything you can always find out more, espeiclly when its such a historical topic, having to do with the past, meaning its a non-fiction topic, try to come as accurate as you can. Next, your vocab. That was mostly your strong point I would say, some words I had to go back and look them up so I can understand what your saying. Vocab like this is what really adds a big plus to the Open Mic/Poetic Scriptures. No real suggestion on that. You did pretty good.

Overall Id give this peice a 7/10 maybe a little lower, my expectations of a peice are very high. Definitly not OM HOF worthy, but is a peice you can improve on, I enjoy'd the read very much so, and Im looking forward to seeing more peices coming for yourself in the future.

Good job, buddy.

[!.VeRbZ.!]

dddaaammmnnn at wats his name ivin so much feed

[Dat]

Dude, i have no problem with your feed and thanks, but i have to justify myself as that has made me look quite bad.

First off, this part of your feed.

Okaly Dokaly.

This peice was below masterful, but slightly above average. You started off nice and ended this peice as well. Of course repeating the title. First, to start off with, Your structure wasnt very good at all. You had lines going all over the place. Some were short and nice, other were even placed into 2 lines, being so long. My suggestion, go over your peice next time, try to shorten lines as much as you can while still getting your point across, maybe not center it, right align, or even let it stay all the way to the left.

If i was rhyming this over a track, it would flow well. I could make it flow well anyway, which is all i need to worry about. Structure, in an OM - isnt important unless it is so bad your reading 3 syllables after 8 syllables etc..

But no worries, structure isnt really what makes the peice good, thats just what helps the reader follow along. I also liked your choice in font, made it look neat, fancy in a sort of sence.

Irrellevent... My choice in font is to make my OMs readable for people who think they are too complicated.

Next well move to your multies and such. Now, at some points your multies seemd a bit, forced, if you will. Then again, at other times your multies were down right on point, couldnt get any better. A suggestion, what I do is usually rhym 3-4 times every bar. But, to make it NOT sound choppy, you have to match your sylables, 4-4-4-4 or 2-2-2-2 with the words your rhyming with, then when you get more advanced you can rhyme 2-3 words, both having 5 syllables each. You will elevate as you move along.

Multis are basically alliteration. Having alot of words that rhyme together, is simply a complex rhyme scheme. If you read it through properly, you would see that they actually fit near enough perfect.

Next Ill move onto your imagry, I liked the topic, I myself know who Mr Hyde is, I liked the way you expressed this peice in some aspects, then again falling off slightly in some aspects as well. My suggestion, look up on this topic, get as much info on this as you can, even when you think you know everything you can always find out more, espeiclly when its such a historical topic, having to do with the past, meaning its a non-fiction topic, try to come as accurate as you can.

Ive covered this topic inside and out, but this OM has nothing to do with the story 'Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde'.
If you read properly, you will see that im describing how i feel. I mention that i have killed, and that i dont know if i enjoy it or i enjoy hating it.
The topic is 'Goodbye, Mr Hyde.' because i am conflicting with my bad side, my inner temptations. I know they have the best of me, so i kill myself. Hence - 'Say goodbye to Mr Hyde.'
If you were familiar with the topic, you would now understand what im saying. Im not rhyming out the story of Jekyll & Hyde.. Im calling my bad side Mr Hyde - because he's bad... Meh.

Next, your vocab. That was mostly your strong point I would say, some words I had to go back and look them up so I can understand what your saying. Vocab like this is what really adds a big plus to the Open Mic/Poetic Scriptures. No real suggestion on that. You did pretty good.

Overall Id give this peice a 7/10 maybe a little lower, my expectations of a peice are very high. Definitly not OM HOF worthy, but is a peice you can improve on, I enjoy'd the read very much so, and Im looking forward to seeing more peices coming for yourself in the future.

Good job, buddy.

Everybody says this.. lol i have 3 OMs linked in my sig, if you want to see more work - drop some feed on them

Thanks anyway, i hope i made it clearer for you now.

[nolonger]

nice piece here...some bars come alittle streewched
try using diff rhymes schemes, and inner multies
to make youre bars shorter but still flow nice...

[verbalvault]

fuck what anyone else says, this was fucking mint (that means good) the flow was good and easy to follow the story was obvious yet camoflaged with deep emotion and description and if u heard a signed artist spit that on a track the first thing you would compliment is the lyrics. nice one fella

[Zone]

dat was good
real good vacb
abd flow was cool
the struture was good too
good job

::hand clap:s

[EyeBite]

rhymes were very good and the font made it have a feeling to it nicely done with the flow..that was smooth and the struucre was very even.... i'm impressed by how good your drops have been....2 thumbs up....topic was great i liked it..i enjoyeed it highly...good drop....keep it up...peace

[Shunned1]

that was a nice piece.....good vocabulary, nice creativity, i was feelin ur flow too.....nice song....keep writin

["lil Neefy"]

I like this piece dat.. not as much as ours, but hey, what do you expect. The structure, flow, deepness, vocabulary, imagery, and overall Interest (what i mean is, makes me want to keep reading), were all good on this piece. Cant really complain on this one. Every line had me ready for the next. And the topic is pretty interesting as well.

Good stuff, .... pz

[ExDaGawd]

This was an ok peace, Coulda been a little better and longer but none of the less good drop.

[Quarter]

dope shit dat, good job, outstanding wordplay man...

[charlieo]

This Shit Is Fucking Weak You Dumb Bitch Ass Whore Slut Fuck You Need A Fucking Bullet Thru Ya Head

[Dat]

Funny... Ive been saying that the past year and a half.. Upping for more feed.