Skimask

[Beans]

it was about 12:00 when my homie hit me up on my cell
he told me to meet him at the spot and he knew somting
he couldnt wait to tell.....so i got dressed threw on a t-shirt
and some girbauds.....called my girl to come pick me up and
she asked for 50 dollars to hold......she droped me off in the hood
were my homie rested his head at......i knocked on the door
and he opened up real eager to chat.....i said ''wats up black
wats so important u had to tell me man''.....he said ''i came up
on a lick for about 15 grand''.....i was like u need to stop playin
man i know u lyin black.....he sat back shook his head and said
naw nigga its a known fact....so i pulled out a box of newports
and lit up a cig.....and told him to explain the situation plus
everything u saw.....he said this nigga named Tim the dude
he used to sell dope for.....got drunk together 1 day and showed
him the money and threw it in the closet on the floor...he said
it was in a black duffel bag and he seened a glock on the shelf
and he lives wit his bitch and that ho aint gonna be no help
so im like aight when we gonna do dis....he said tonight at 10:00
i knew he had it all planed out when he pulled out 2 skimasks....
and a mac 10.....and said im finna get this money even if i gotta sin

later on that night

we pulled up to the nigga crib in a brown chevy....dressed
in all black and i had my deuce 5 wit me....waited about 5 min
cause i didnt think i was ready.....just got off probation i couldnt
hold my head steady....i said ''lets go'' we hopped out the car
and my palms got sweaty...by the time we got to the door i
was breathing real heavy....knock knock knock knock
he cracked the door open and black bumbrushed the crib and
put the mac to his face......and told if u wanna live u betta recognize
ya place....i screemed were da money at trashing up the
front room....then BLACK said......''nigga look in the bedroom''
wit no hesitation i ran to the back room...and seen his bitch
on the phone....i smacked er wit my chrome.....she fell
i didnt no if she was concious shit...i couldnt tell....looked in the closet
and seen a duffel bag on the flo...unzipped it smiled when i seen
the first 2 stacks and mo....ran back to front and said iight lets go
BLACK was tieing Tim up who had blood leaking out of his fro
we ran back to the car...i jumped in laughing my ass off
drove a few blocks down den i took the skimask off

[Beans]

ill be back wit some links

[Beans]

uppin for feed back

[Beans]

uppin for feedback

[NaS]

This shits gonna get locked if you dont drop feed.

Anyways, I think that this piece lacked alot of structure, vocabulary, rhyme scheme, and imagery, everythin was poorly written on a topic that could have been improved a whole lot.

"It was about 12:00 when my homie hit me up on my cell
he told me to meet him at the spot and he knew somting
he couldnt wait to tell.....so i got dressed threw on a t-shirt
and some girbauds.....called my girl to come pick me up and
she asked for 50 dollars to hold......she droped me off in the hood "

Wheres the rhyme scheme? Vocab? Not to sound too... putting you down or anything but this is just,bad. Try to re-write it by using differnet words. "So, I, and, she, me" These words shouldn't exactly be avoided, but there are other words to replace them. And if not replace them, don't use them repetetivly, hope you understand where im coming from.

Other than that, topics nice, try re-writing it.

[Beans]

This shits gonna get locked if you dont drop feed.

Anyways, I think that this piece lacked alot of structure, vocabulary, rhyme scheme, and imagery, everythin was poorly written on a topic that could have been improved a whole lot.

"It was about 12:00 when my homie hit me up on my cell
he told me to meet him at the spot and he knew somting
he couldnt wait to tell.....so i got dressed threw on a t-shirt
and some girbauds.....called my girl to come pick me up and
she asked for 50 dollars to hold......she droped me off in the hood "

Wheres the rhyme scheme? Vocab? Not to sound too... putting you down or anything but this is just,bad. Try to re-write it by using differnet words. "So, I, and, she, me" These words shouldn't exactly be avoided, but there are other words to replace them. And if not replace them, don't use them repetetivly, hope you understand where im coming from.

Other than that, topics nice, try re-writing it.

yea i feel u my nigga but i didnt even write i just typed it down and was thinking as i was typin i guess thats why it sounds like dat

[NaS]

yea i feel u my nigga but i didnt even write i just typed it down and was thinking as i was typin i guess thats why it sounds like dat

Well, im not saying the piece itself was bad, just some of the elements, like I said, if your willing to, take your time and write it in a notebook, and edit things while you re-read it. Re-reading a few times helps alot, and try reading it as though your someone else who would normally hate your work, imagin your that person and critisize your piece like it's going to be elected for something big, that way you put your all in it.

[Beans]

Well, im not saying the piece itself was bad, just some of the elements, like I said, if your willing to, take your time and write it in a notebook, and edit things while you re-read it. Re-reading a few times helps alot, and try reading it as though your someone else who would normally hate your work, imagin your that person and critisize your piece like it's going to be elected for something big, that way you put your all in it.

iight my nigga will do thanx for da feed back

[Cody Nash]

^^^Word my exact thoughts...you lacked a little bit of everything...mostly structure, flow and a decent rhyme scheme..you really need to elevate yaself...you had some decent vocab for someone of your skill level...and you commented in my OM...Didn't you see how the lines were set? The end of each bar rhymed with the next...Do that..line your shit up and make it flow...when you get more better throw in metaphors and larger vocabulary...Keep it up...

~NaSh

[Beans]

will do nash thanx for da feed uppin

[Beans]

uppin for feed back

[.:PA|N:.]

Yo This Shit Was Nice... Good Structure , Nice Flow , N Like Nash Said Beans U Need Ta Elevate Your Self A Lil Bit More... N This Was Pretty Hott Verse I Liked It Alot.. !!!

[Lyric Striker]

Anyways, I think that this piece lacked alot of structure, vocabulary, rhyme scheme, and imagery, everythin was poorly written on a topic that could have been improved a whole lot.

"It was about 12:00 when my homie hit me up on my cell
he told me to meet him at the spot and he knew somting
he couldnt wait to tell.....so i got dressed threw on a t-shirt
and some girbauds.....called my girl to come pick me up and
she asked for 50 dollars to hold......she droped me off in the hood "

Wheres the rhyme scheme? Vocab? Not to sound too... putting you down or anything but this is just,bad. Try to re-write it by using differnet words. "So, I, and, she, me" These words shouldn't exactly be avoided, but there are other words to replace them. And if not replace them, don't use them repetetivly, hope you understand where im coming from.

Other than that, topics nice, try re-writing it.

^exaclty what i was gonna say..this peice wasnt bad

[EyeBite]

structure was terrible and flow was choppy all the time.......topic was cool but not impressed with how ytou setmup this...end the lines with the rhymes wot make it more easier to read and more enjoyable.....vocab could be upped a bit..complexity was aiight not wicked up therre but it was aiight.....aight drop man....keep elevating and keep droppin....overal 6/10..peace