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Thread: ~The Last Day~

  1. #1
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    ~The Last Day~

    Wake up in my bed remembering all the details of yesterday
    The day that I left everything and was taken away........
    Mama led me to the porch...with a tear streaming down her face
    Telling me she'll always be with me but in a different place
    I looked at her holding her tightly praying for everything to stay the same
    The overcast sky covered the whole setting as the car slowly came
    The car came to a gentle stop and the man opened his door
    I didn't want to leave because its been me and ma since the age of four
    As the man stepped out mothers grasp gently released my hand
    Feeling like I was let go like...wind lifting and blowing the earth's sand
    The man came and asked me to come with him as I sat on his car's seat
    Each tear ran down my face as mother disappeared at the end of the street
    Praying to God that he'll take me?wondering why it was me that had to go
    Driving away feeling like I?m kissing my life away...as I stare out the window
    The man in the front tries to cheer me up but it doesn't work
    Leaving my turf behind don't want go...so wishing ...leave me in New York...
    As we finally leave the city my tears shorten but my heads still down
    Still thinking about Ma as I see my new house and the new town
    Pull in the driveway as overcast turn to rain...and I'm dreading this place
    The family steps out still overwhelmed but I manage a smile on my face
    My new mother smiles and gives my a tour of the place the call home
    Showing me my room...and I drastically wish I was back in my own
    I walk in and fall on the bed and see a pillow and I burry my head
    Wishing I could see Ma...because right know I'm wishing to be dead
    Having my head in this pillow...I cry myself to horrible sleep
    The thunder sound and light up the sky as the nightmares creep
    The worst sleep of my life...still reminiscing about being taken away
    My eyes open as the sun streams through and I realize that it?s a new day
    I sit up in my bed feeling better...and what life will throw at me next
    Maple's smell runs through the room and I remember Ma as I head downstairs

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  2. #2
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    Yo nice stuff man This was a very good drop, complexion, vocab, flow, it was all there homie 9.5/10, keep dropin

  3. #3
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    another sick drop by you man, you got sum sweet rap skillz, i'm very impressed...flow was smooht...strcuutre was even, enjoyable to read, rhymes were very good, vocab was here and the topic was very interesting, i liked this drop, overall 9.0/10...keep it up and keep droppin

  4. #4
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    aight thanks I decided to go to my serious side unlike jerry springer I dont know what to say for the feedback stuff but just give me feedback on this thanks.......

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  5. #5
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    Ups

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  6. #6
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    ....

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  7. #7
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    Uppinnnnnnn..

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  8. #8
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    structure aws nice. vocab was smooth, imagery was there and multies were nice aswell.... keep it up vocab was on ponit too,... try centering the font to make it look better

    peep just my luck

  9. #9
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    New York and work don't rhyme. The structure fell off in a few places, and the text was small to try and make it seem not quite as stretched. You also repeatedly used the word 'head' in these lines:

    I walk in and fall on the bed and see a pillow and I burry my head
    Wishing I could see Ma...because right know I'm wishing to be dead
    Having my head in this pillow...I cry myself to horrible sleep

    Probably should be 'towards a horrible sleep' or something to make it sound better. I didn't like the wording so much, and the topic was mediocre. RTF on my piece 'Pile of Iron', it's worth the read.

  10. #10
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    upp......

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  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! O'rigi's Avatar
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    Eh, this was a nice drop. It was easy to rhyme. Some of the rhyme scheme is iffy, all depends on the accent. keep posting.
    I'm too fresh to be stale

  12. #12
    Banned lyrical minds's Avatar
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    yo guy i give tht 10/10 good complexion, vocab, flow and the rest

  13. #13
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    i wouldnt really rate this too high, very simplistic... the only thing i could give positive feed on is the story telling, the imagery was ok, but you need to improve in alot of areas.... flip it round a bit, make the scheme more interesting, shit like that
    [youtube]99ns8n2S40g[/youtube]

  14. #14
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    aight, still uppin..............

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  15. #15
    Spaghetti Quarter's Avatar
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    ...upp

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