Originally Posted by
This Aint Beef
If life is the journey, then death is a blessing,
Something worth earning, not worth missing,
Simple start.. nothing wrong with it. Death mentioned. Nice, poetic feel to it - good.
A life worth risking, because death is eternity,
Too much pain for listing, a waste of energy,
Hmm.. Keepin it simple, which isnt bad. I dont understand the third part of this stanza, 'Too much pain for listing' - what does that mean in relation to the rest of the 2 lines?
Signified in anniversary, determined by fate,
Branch on the learning tree, leaves are a date,
^Nice imagery, nice rhymes. Dragging on a bit, there seems to be too much of a link between all of these lines so far, i dont know what it is - but (IMO) i get the feeling your saying the same thing every line.
A path to the gates, to be outlined by petals,
Dependant on traits, where forever to settle,
^Nice imagery again, keeping it simple which is good for this piece.
Task to test the metal, and to pass the time,
Try to bless your dental, with a glass of wine,
I didnt fully understand the point behind these 2 lines, i just assumed they were saying the same thing as the rest and building up to something.
Wish to amass a shrine, to show recognition,
When that ass was mine, and life was heaven,
^Nice similarities. Imagery is ok...
Ceased by suggestions, forgiveness in roses,
Find peace in questions, witnessed in doses,
Same as before, im not feeling anything from these lines.
Next the story closes, but with missing pages,
For the path we chose is, one with crevasses,
Nice link between descriptions, this created the most understandment for me.
Lost within a maze, seeking out the garden,
Trapped and left afraid, within this margin,
Hmmm, not really linking to the rest really.. I can see what you mean, but it doesnt slide with the way you described in the other lines.
The clay did not harden, beyond our power,
So tragically taken, gone from sweet to sour,
^Nice wording. Good.
Left to mourn for hours, not a chance to save,
Where I now place flowers, upon your grave.
The final point is too simple put i think... 'Upon your grave', with the rest of your piece, the simple way you put this stood out to me because it doesnt as well as it could, but none the less, its a good piece.
I keep telling these niggas that its my time to shine, only 16 and u cant even tell he in his prime//but watch as the youngsta put these lames behind em,and now the major labels cant even wait to sign em//u wouldnt know about his age because the boy so smooth,he trying to move up like GOERGE and WESSIE and start acting a fool//i cant but say man the boy is a Genuis,and if u give him the rap game {shit} he might just change it u gotta feel my shit
:hail: :box:
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