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Thread: Motherless Child

  1. September 30th, 2005, 09:57 AM #1
    Nique.
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    Motherless Child

    I fell, abandoned when I was left and stranded
    Never felt advantaged because I wasn't dealt a parent
    Nights I slept and panicked, thoughts about myself? apparent
    Needed help to stand it, but living on a helpless planet
    Wanted death or to accept myself to vanish
    Cuz I've kept it bottled up and I've wept but damn it,
    Why did you resort...fuck it I'ma force this sentence,
    There's a lot of sources like adoption and abortion clinics
    But you bore me on the floor what a horrid image
    And left me to absorb and explore your sickness
    So tormented...for nine months I'm baring your habit
    And for nine months you're injecting as a heroin addict
    Nothing better established..I was the fuse to your hate
    A few could relate..often perceived as a prostitution mistake
    You're choosing a fate...and all of your profits were cynical
    A flawed, outlawed criminal..HIV is my bodily chemical
    So my life's at a minimal..live in dark similar to black-outs
    Because my mother made me suffer and live in a crackhouse
    Another black route..a statistical nigga never living in meadows
    Strictly pitiful, miserable, a miracle if I wasn't in ghettos
    But hello!?...the power of nurture? u neglected ours
    Disrespected ours, no dad a bastard to the second power
    Spent restless hours trying to find ways to get through
    To live through, struggled through days when I thought to forgive you
    Or avenge you..throwing a fit, steady hits and I plummet
    You fucking bitch you're making me fucking sick to my stomach
    And all this wishing for something is becoming rough for a kid
    The hugs and the kiss, the love, and the touch of your skin
    No rush, but I'm sick...and all my hate appears as a lie
    Because I still wish you were here to wipe these tears from my eyes
    But I'm being deprived..the logic twists and it's the total opposite
    When I have nothing and people complaining about being fatherless
    But I've swallowed it..heart turned to stone, so nothing could fight through
    Hoping to make it through life being nothing like you
    I'm spiteful, and while you sit here all stuck in denial
    While I'm living life seen as a Motherless Child..


    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236052

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=236234&page=2
    Last edited by Edicius; September 30th, 2005 at 10:25 AM
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  2. September 30th, 2005, 10:26 AM #2
    Edicius
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    I fell, abandoned when I was left and stranded
    Never felt advantaged because I wasn't dealt a parent
    Nights I slept and panicked, thoughts about myself? apparent
    Needed help to stand it, but living on a helpless planet
    Wanted death or to accept myself to vanish
    Cuz I've kept it bottled up and I've wept but damn it,
    Why did you resort...fuck it I'ma force this sentence,
    There's a lot of sources like adoption and abortion clinics
    But you bore me on the floor what a horrid image
    And left me to absorb and explore your sickness
    So tormented...for nine months I'm baring your habit
    And for nine months you're injecting as a heroin addict
    Nothing better established..I was the fuse to your hate
    A few could relate..often perceived as a prostitution mistake
    You're choosing a fate...and all of your profits were cynical
    A flawed, outlawed criminal..HIV is my bodily chemical
    So my life's at a minimal..live in dark similar to black-outs
    Because my mother made me suffer and live in a crackhouse
    Another black route..a statistical nigga never living in meadows
    Strictly pitiful, miserable, a miracle if I wasn't in ghettos
    But hello!?...the power of nurture? u neglected ours
    Disrespected ours, no dad a bastard to the second power
    Spent restless hours trying to find ways to get through
    To live through, struggled through days when I thought to forgive you
    Or avenge you..throwing a fit, steady hits and I plummet
    You fucking bitch you're making me fucking sick to my stomach
    And all this wishing for something is becoming rough for a kid
    The hugs and the kiss, the love, and the touch of your skin
    No rush, but I'm sick...and all my hate appears as a lie
    Because I still wish you were here to wipe these tears from my eyes
    But I'm being deprived..the logic twists and it's the total opposite
    When I have nothing and people complaining about being fatherless
    But I've swallowed it..heart turned to stone, so nothing could fight through
    Hoping to make it through life being nothing like you
    I'm spiteful, and while you sit here all stuck in denial
    While I'm living life seen as a Motherless Child..
    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236052

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=236234&page=2

    your emotion stood out thru out this piece, and the immagery taped it all together too make it a very interesting writing.. that kept me reading, i was suprised by its content.. there are a few quotables.. but i will quote a part that grabbed me..

    Another black route..a statistical nigga never living in meadows
    Strictly pitiful, miserable, a miracle if I wasn't in ghettos
    But hello!?...the power of nurture? u neglected ours

    yup.. very nice, the rest of the piece was solid, some points were lacking flow in opinion, but no biggies.. nice read .. thanks.

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  3. September 30th, 2005, 10:46 AM #3
    ~lextownkillaz~
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    your emotion stood out thru out this piece, and the immagery taped it all together too make it a very interesting writing.. that kept me reading, i was suprised by its content.. there are a few quotables.. but i will quote a part that grabbed me...

    **i feel the same as^^^**

    REPLY AGAIN WITH A GAY REPLY LIKE THIS AND ILL BAN YOU, DONT QUOTE OTHER REPLYS SAYING I FEEL THE SAME THATS NOT A REPLY ..

    YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED..

    -MIKE.
    Last edited by Edicius; September 30th, 2005 at 10:52 AM
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  4. September 30th, 2005, 11:01 AM #4
    warchild
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    I remember this title from Ghostface's Ironman Album i liked the song he did so i thought i wouldnt like this piece BUT I DID.
    The concept was nothing new but you had a nice spin on the concept i thought you might of made this piece really corny but you suprised with some very good emotion. I was feeling the shit you was saying the imagery in this piece was impressive too you drag the reader into the story straight away.
    Your flow was basic in the first few bars then you started added in a lot of multies so that made the piece even better to me cause i always mix in a lot of multies and internals into my own verses so i find it annoing when other verses i read are weak flow wise. The only thing i would criticise is the length of the verse i think you could of added another verse then you could make this into an audio. Keep Writing You Got Some Skills(And you should take that as a compliment from me cause im an arrogant bastard).

    Return the feed on my last OM:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=236625
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  5. September 30th, 2005, 11:13 AM #5
    Lurid
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    u came with more of jus trying to press in some rhymes and forcing shit . and i had trouble feeling the emotion at the begginning but later on u had a ILL flo and the piece came together .
    6/10
    Notarized Artistry

    Open Mics

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  6. September 30th, 2005, 11:59 AM #6
    Nique.
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    I had multies throughout my entire piece -scratches head-

    thanks for the feed though
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  7. September 30th, 2005, 01:21 PM #7
    the kid kg
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    this song is great keep doin what u do ya a good lyrists maybe one day we could put something together 1
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  8. September 30th, 2005, 01:49 PM #8
    ADR
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    ....iono...but i aint have trouble finding emotion ......ya creativity was probly ur only down fall cause ive read mah ish like this no hate....but ur flow was on point u had that structure simple wich helped me get all the way thrw not like readin a ling story so that was good....ur imagery at first was simplistic but as u got further into it u got more in depth and i started to see and feel what u were talkin bout...yea u did have multis so i dont no who sai u didnt....vocab was at par u didnt try and fit in big werds that wouldve thrown off ur flow ...over all deep peice fam werd

    rtf by hittin links in my sig fam..thanks


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  9. October 1st, 2005, 01:24 PM #9
    Nique.
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    coool
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  10. October 1st, 2005, 01:54 PM #10
    Nahlidge
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    This was dope. The read was smooooooth. And rhymin` was on point. Crazy at some parts. A lotta emotion. Nice topic. Been done. But that didn`t take nothin` from it. Cuz everyone has they`re own take on this typa ish. Keep doin` ur thing.

    A.i

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  11. October 1st, 2005, 04:00 PM #11
    Pharoah.
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    This was dope. The read flowed well
    And rhymin` was on point.
    lots of emotion. Nice topic though it isnt comepleteyl original
    Keep doin` ur thing. and give feed on what i see in the mirror

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    Poetry

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    Last Word
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    Originally Posted by Vamp.
    this is perhaps the gayest thread...ALIVE....
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  12. October 1st, 2005, 08:43 PM #12
    _Mercenary_
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    I liked the progression of it. Thoughts were kinda all over the place, started out wit you just openly hating her, then somewhere in the middle you kinda called out to her, then finished it off wit hate. Emotion was strong throughout and the multis helped it show. Imagery was hot too, I especially like that bout being born on the floor, real graphic and I could picture something like that going down.

    Besides the emotion and imagery, the flow was what I liked about it most. First four lines or so all rhymed wit the same thing at the end and in the middle cuz of all the multis.
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  13. October 2nd, 2005, 12:26 AM #13
    Emerge
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    this was dope nique i liked your

    fluid reading with syllabic rhyming

    and internal rhyming


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    New Writejist Song - Tito Ortiz

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  14. October 2nd, 2005, 12:29 AM #14
    Serbness
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    This was nice .nique.

    It was real smooth and i felt that topic and i've done a audio track about the same stuff. I thought Multis where good, i dont know what that guy was saying. Ryhme was good and soild and had a nice flow to it. Some words in it tho i thought could of been removed.

    Other than that it was a nice read.
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  15. October 2nd, 2005, 02:07 PM #15
    Nique.
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    who emerge? nah, he just sucks at text, audio, and production

    and he sounds like mike tyson..but worse

    shut your bitchass up
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