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Thread: ...Gone...

  1. September 18th, 2005, 05:04 AM #1
    Cody Nash
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    Post ...Gone...

    Hope...To be in her world,
    Faith...Stomachs swirled,
    Prayer...Life's uncurled,

    I take the moment to revitalize my Uttermost fear,
    That my woman would reject me now and here...
    But as faithful as my woman is she walked to me..
    Said baby I love you and I'll never leave you, See?
    So I take her to the movies and we miss the whole thing,
    Driving the road hoping her mom doesn't start to sing,
    She loves me I now belive that I've had a life long dream,
    The church took my sins...lovers long ago it would seem,
    Past lifes like our lives have existed and now remembered,
    God took her from me and insisted, I feel I've been 'Septembered',

    Hope...Exists no more,
    Faith...Opens no door,
    Prayer...Loved never before,

    Her eyes shined like stars and I wished she'd come back,
    I just wish the lord would cut the sadest person some slack!
    I'd truley thought I was happy but I guess god is a fake...
    He seperated us as if we were inside an abnormal earthquake,
    For fucks sake...I wished our love could replace all the lies,
    I wish we could've kept going...instead of pickin up some fries,
    The car swerved...We flipped and turned until' we were upsidedown,
    I cared nothing of myself, when I saw her I first felt the Frown,
    Blood seperated us..degrated our souls...enslaved our life long roles,
    To be eachothers partners...we paid the tolls, Traps were dug.......
    ..................................It was as if we were surrounded by moles,

    Hope...Full of hatred,
    Faith...Slightly over-rated,
    Prayer...Lives are debated,

    This is the ending of my story of love...Best not to love at all,
    If you ever loved a women...you'd know more about my downfall,
    I resigned from my life as a friend...I resigned as a husband....
    I resigned completely and just put my life to a sudden end,
    I couldn't take the thought...I'd rather sit in hell and rot...
    My decision wasn't hard...My love could never be bought,
    I Left the broken body where it lay...Ran out into the street of day,
    Stopped in the middle on the way...Then Felt a large pain and delay,
    Tainted love...don't play with good lives god...can a new day dawn?
    Look around you...you created the mass of evil and hatred..........
    ........................................You killed the good lives...they're Gone
    Last edited by Cody Nash; September 18th, 2005 at 05:09 AM Reason: Structure
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  2. September 18th, 2005, 05:13 AM #2
    Cody Nash
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=229452
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=233418
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  3. September 18th, 2005, 05:20 AM #3
    phait
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    i like dis homie... good feleing adn depth....my only complaint... find dif fways to say sumthin like... wen eva u tihkn of a line think of three more ways u can say dat same exact thing... dat will help ur complexity and rhyme scheme better... but all in all good verse.. maybe up vocab a tad...

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    Originally Posted by phait
    see why u gotta make rude comments.... i would be more of a pussy battlen ur newb ass and merkin u with da power it took to creat da earth than simply lettn sum one else who may be bored enough do so...
    Battles that need sum luvn




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  4. September 18th, 2005, 05:24 AM #4
    Cody Nash
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    yeh I used lazy words...didn't feel like thinking....lol...Thanks uppin for more
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  5. September 18th, 2005, 08:37 AM #5
    The Vortex
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    uhm!! pretty good writing.. sum of the wordplays and rhymes seemed a bit strange and diddnt really appeal to me much...had sum good character about it in the content so its def got sum interesting points and clear scenery

    keep at
    .................................................. ......................
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  6. September 18th, 2005, 11:58 PM #6
    Cody Nash
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    Upp 4 more feed...*thanks*
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  7. September 20th, 2005, 12:41 AM #7
    Cody Nash
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    Uppin 4 feed lets get some pointers please...
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  8. September 20th, 2005, 12:53 AM #8
    .Silence.
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    this piece was pretty good too from you.The only thing I think you need to work on is emotion.You had a good storyline and wordplay in this one.Also you had a good structure too.The Imagry was on point too cuz I could picture where I was at in the verse.But keep up the good work homie.And just keep on writing you'll get better.

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  9. September 23rd, 2005, 01:54 AM #9
    Cody Nash
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    Upp.......THanks for feed..gimmie more
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  10. September 23rd, 2005, 05:56 AM #10
    mcl
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    i like the flow and the structure was amazing
    ur rhymes were really effective
    i like the cours
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  11. September 23rd, 2005, 08:34 PM #11
    Soule
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    It Was Welll Nice.
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  12. September 23rd, 2005, 08:35 PM #12
    Soule
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    It Had Some Pimp Flow And Structre And I Liked The Vocab Keep It Up.
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  13. September 24th, 2005, 03:12 AM #13
    Cody Nash
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    Uppp
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  14. September 25th, 2005, 04:27 AM #14
    Cody Nash
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    wdf more please?? comon fucking sleepers...*DIE*
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  15. September 25th, 2005, 05:33 AM #15
    Deviate
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    I was expecting this, but this was good. It was an enjoyable read, easy to connect with. You approached it well. It was a quite a predictable story, but it was also quite a generic topic to write to, so I think you've written very well here. It's always nice to see new writers coming out with decent stuff, you've got a lot of potential it seems... If you need anything let me know... Remember I'm a new writer too..

    Good luck..
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