Lovers Eyes

[TProphet]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...11#post3013911

Lovers eyes

A pretty piece with lovers eyes perched next to the fireplace, small nose plump cheeks with a tight waist, a sweet kiss to the ear taste buds to the neck emit a slight taste, her face seemed to twitch at the figure who mite embrace/
His mustash brushing the paint strokes of gods creation, a finger to the lips as he shushed her as he was embracing the painting, his lips chapped his teeth cracked his bite a perfect placement, as he smiled as if to grace to the occasion, in her cheeks colour fading, hormones racing, blood of the bite tainting the flavouring, as a child she used to sing/
Sweet melodies and lullabies, singing staring into her lovers eyes, now sounds of smothered screams in the night/
Love…the four letters humbly seated on a blood stained page, as if they could even begin to engage, the meaning of the passion and rage, that every man woman and child craves, as we all become tame slaves of this…love/
This case of love however flickers and twists, the man collaborating liquor and fists, as he bickers and spits into his lovers eyes/
The two a merry couple welding their souls together at nineteen, laughing and raving with wine and ice cream, a nice team, before the lightning.
The birds used to sing…above the two running in meadows, the sun bellowed down on them harmless and yellow, and two smiles both mellow/
One smile now is still going strong, but the other one longs another song, as it fights its lover’s tongue/

shory and played, but ive only just started writing again.. so needing feedback

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post3014041

[Sammy B]

The first thing that stands out to me is the structure, I don't know what form your writing in, it appears to be a paragraph type style, which is not my favorite. Aside from the overused topic you did bring alot of originality to it, the vocab and multis kept my attention. At times you showed really good imagery and emotion, but the strange structure ruined it for me, it made the piece harder to read and understand. Try writing in line formation next time since that is the most common style.

[sILLable]

i agree with sammy...your structure is awkward...even your lines out..and shorten them..it makes for an easier read...people dont have to struggle to get it all right..structure was off..therefor your rhyme scheme was off..other than that not too bad..kinda simple but that worked with this piece...keep elevatin and droppin.~1~

[The Vortex]

as someone said change the structure up.. so i can see the ryhme scheme better


nice poetic lines tho ...a very pleasing reading ...even tho one struggles to read it a little...
pretty nice images very idylic indeed...calm and collective thoughts quite serene views


up to see more from you

[TProphet]

Yeah this is tha first time ive wrote in quite a while, so just feeling my way back into my way of writing, not my best piece, but ill get better, with help from feedback, SO

up we go!

[TProphet]

[TProphet]

WTF uppin

[Lil Drew]

i was aight

[TProphet]

i was aight

Yeh, thanks


Cmon Uppin for feed,
Cant elavate without feedback RB :yes:

[EyeBite]

rhymes were ok, flow and strucutre was awkward like sammy b and treazon had said, end the lines wit the rhymes, everything elese was iight, just keep elevating, overall 5.5/10, keep droppin and work on the structure a bit next time, peace