What I've Failed To Do.

[Maven.]

I've rolled around to being exactly what you see before you
addicted to lies and sex
sadly, I don't know which is more true
but theres something beneath the surface of thick frames and belt buckles
and though I scrubbed until it bled...
I could still smell trouble
on your skin where beaded sweat reflected pleasure.
I wasn't concerned with what I had,
my thoughts rested on the never
and I was clever because you didn't know I ran a different course
your nails in my back likened to the knives I stuck in yours
I was terrified of your love more than anything else
nailing wood into my walls to put emotions on the shelf
and then they don't affect me, regardless of my deeds
there's the thick scent of greed in the air we both breathe
you wanted more, and I was willing
just to give and give and give
and you pretend you're happy while I pretend to give a shit.

love is a grand thing.

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...07#post2988607
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...57#post2988657

[Jawn Raw]

you musta just quickly key'd this, i bet you could write better but im not sayin its wack cuz no its pretty good you didn't fill your whole piece wit vocab all though really did have a interesting choice of words, nice flow stucture wasn't that great but stucture doesnt have to be perfect, its as long as the piece flows and it does, nice imagery good emotion, i'd like to see you work wit multiples though, but nice to see you around maven.

think you could rtf on my new om, A World With No Water links soon to be in the sig

1

[Born To Kill]

Nice shit, Maven...

Nice to see you writing again.

Even though this was a quick drop, it really had some nice spots in it.

I've rolled around to being exactly what you see before you
addicted to lies and sex
sadly, I don't know which is more true

Nice double rhyme at the end...

and I was clever because you didn't know I ran a different course
your nails in my back likened to the knives I stuck in yours

Nice wordplay/metaphor...

I was terrified of your love more than anything else
nailing wood into my walls to put emotions on the shelf

Good description...wordplay...visual...

you wanted more, and I was willing
just to give and give and give
and you pretend you're happy while I pretend to give a shit.

Nice, tight closer...

Definately worth the read...

Peace

[sILLable]

well what else can really be said...it was dope...but far from the best thing ive read from you...pretty dope..your metaphors and rhyme scheme..vocab..all done pretty well..i enjoyed readin this piece...check out my piece titled Corrupt Authority..itll be in my sig soon..id appreciate it...keep droppin tha hottness.~1~

[Sammy B]

I have to admit I liked it, but the structure seemed a little strange, a couple lines seemed really stretched. Complexity and vocab were tight and helped elevate the piece. Emotion and imagry were excellently demonstrated here. The begining didn't have much rhyming going on but the end made up for it. In the end needed some more rhymes throw in, in my opinion it would have been a better read, all together nice drop.

[Maven.]

thanks...wow, it's really surprising that OM has decent feedback. I am pleased =)
I'll reply to your pieces right now !

[2hot2handle]

It was ok but ya vocab wasnt good. U had too many gives in that one line and ya didnt really have flow to it. Ya need to take a little more timeon this and ya gotta work more. It was ok imagery and decent enough but it didnt really fit well. Keep at it thugh and keep spittin. It was an ok piece.

[Laureate]

Sounds like a typical relationship at times...shit makes you work at it

This was a pretty simple piece on the outside...but it had some pretty witty metas and wordplay in it which was nice....short and sweet.....rhyming came and went which I thought was kinda cool....and it read well...keep writing

please peep http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=224132

[K9_THESHIT]

This was a nice little read.The piece felt a little too simple,and i would've liked more in metaphorical content.But i'm sure this was a keystyle,you didn't put that much work into it and it shows.Liked the flow and rhymescheme,it fitted well with your aproach on the topic.Liked the ending too.This was nice,but i'm sure you can do better.Peace!

Check out "Light it up"(in the sig) when you have some time.

[Twic]

pretty good... can tell you wrote it fast..., nice emotion throughout the whole thing. I like how in all your peices you attack one factor wether it be imagery or emotion or whateveter your emersing you'reself into it.

Nice to see a peice from you...

this is Twixn btw...