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Thread: a little misconception

  1. July 27th, 2005, 09:44 PM #1
    Night_Walker
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    a little misconception

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215519
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post2841641

    a nigga's walkin along the streets da day right after a murder
    he's gettin away from his girls naggin he don't wanna hurt her
    he goes and visit's his boi who comitted da murder da day b4
    he knocks and knocks and waits untill his nigga opens the door
    he takes a walk in and stares and looks around and takes a seat
    and yo this house is tight man he really just doesn't wanna leave
    he lay's there and just kicks back and just makes himself at home
    he turns around looks over the couch and on da floor lies a chrome
    he turns around and acts natural as his boi comes to walk back in
    he turns and gets one more look and see's 3 pounds of weed in a bin
    then his boi walks in and sits down and lies a gun down on da table
    then he sits back and thinks to himself yo man my boi seems unstable
    he thinks silently to himself and says yo the justice system ain't shit
    then his boi makes a move he jumps on da floor and grabs da 45th
    then he realizes that he had to blast a few shots right at his boi
    he put a hole in his boi before he could see dat his boi's gun was a toy
    man damn he had merked his best friend over a little misconception
    he killed his best friend and ain't shit he can do to make a correction


    my first open mic

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  2. July 27th, 2005, 09:51 PM #2
    M9nd Fl_lkt
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    First off, nice story tellin skills man. flow was good too. Only thing really to say here for critque is up ya vocab, like u started out every line with he, or then almost. work on ur internals and multi rhymes too and ur shit will elevate like crazy.

    peep these when a get a chance for me.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=214926
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=215739
  3. July 27th, 2005, 09:52 PM #3
    Night_Walker
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    ^^ight i'll work on dat

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  4. July 27th, 2005, 10:01 PM #4
    Night_Walker
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    yo i wanna know wat ppl think about this it's my 1st open mic

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  5. July 27th, 2005, 11:45 PM #5
    CrazyCarl
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    Alright story, you set it up with a lot of detail. The imagery was a strength of the piece. Your wording will improve with practice, and you won't be setting up a bunch of lines the same way. Rhyming was real basic, I didn't spot any outer or innner multis. Structure was fine. Topic was solid, showed some complexity.
  6. July 27th, 2005, 11:47 PM #6
    The Vendetta
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    Meh Short Story Dawg, Good Piece Though Vocabulary Meh Man Try And Get More Structure Was Good. Rhyme Scheme Meh Try And Get That Man I Wasn't Feeling The Rhyming In Here Though Dawg. Also Emotion Meh Try And Make A Story Line That's Deeper Inside Naw I'm Saying Man>> Any Way Keep It Up Man Weeerdnesss
  7. July 28th, 2005, 01:11 AM #7
    Night_Walker
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    ^^yea dis was my first one trust me i'll get better

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  8. July 28th, 2005, 02:05 AM #8
    sILLable
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    short....had imagery....needed complexity...vocab..better wordplay...keep elevatin.~1~


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  9. July 28th, 2005, 06:00 AM #9
    NuM-WuN
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    this had some nice storytellin in it but it seemed like you rushed it too much, you probably could've expanded the story more like for example how 'his boi's' life is like, such as his family,etc. but you had some nice imagery in this, vocab was pretty simple, the (he's) and (his boi's) got pretty repetitive too, but keep elevating n you'll become a great om storyteller
  10. July 28th, 2005, 12:19 PM #10
    Night_Walker
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    ^^thanx

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  11. July 28th, 2005, 01:13 PM #11
    Plain-Thug
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    Hey night dis is pretty good for your first OM.....Some things dat were wrong were probably everytime you started a sentence it started all wit da same few words or word......Put some multis in it cuz it seemed at times like it was just a story and not a OM,but overall it good......
  12. July 28th, 2005, 01:55 PM #12
    SpItIt13045
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    that shit is straight man

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  13. July 28th, 2005, 01:56 PM #13
    SpItIt13045
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    Thumbs up

    fo sho

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  14. July 28th, 2005, 03:29 PM #14
    Night_Walker
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    ight i want more opinions

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    DOPE PERCEPTION
  15. July 28th, 2005, 06:38 PM #15
    Dan Dare
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    You need to leave better, longer feedback, if you want your threads to stay open. Thanks. Closed.
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