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Thread: Broken Meditation

  1. July 11th, 2005, 01:31 PM #1
    Swordsman
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    Broken Meditation

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=210136

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=210091


    I wrote this after watching 'Shogun Assassin' for the first time. Its a seriously dope movie.

    Broken Meditation

    In deep meditation, a figure sits on a hill
    A trance like sleep medication, but this is spiritual skill
    A blade rests by his side, old but still flawless
    He tries to reach a state of calm in his life that's lawless
    Rejected by his clan, no longer protected by the man
    Being pursued by tireless armies trying to dissect him where he stands
    Some call him 'lone wolf' others a 'wandering ghost'
    His travels would leave gypies lagging, he ricochets between coasts

    The snap of a twig breaks his trance, he leaps to a stance
    Throws a glance to his surroundings: "Does the reaper advance?"
    Another man breaks his cover, mouth flecked with foam
    Madness dancing in his eyes, the light reflects the chrome
    Swords clash in a blur of violence and curse words
    The hatred between adversaries is big enough to birth worlds
    The ambusher sags, blood gushes from an open wound
    He wasn't quick enough, he promised vegence but he spoke too soon
    Wolf seathes his weapon as his opponent falls, bloody and broken
    Even as he dies he whispers "You'll never escape the shogun!"

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  2. July 11th, 2005, 01:39 PM #2
    ADR
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    NICE........
    ya flow and complexity was on point ya vocab was above par n the fact that u were so descriptive made it worth the read i must say it was short but sweet ill be waiting for new ish fam
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  3. July 11th, 2005, 02:41 PM #3
    sILLable
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    pretty tight....original concept and creative...therefor theres some big points for that.....nice vocab and complexity....rhyme scheme was aiight..your structure was a little stretched but it wasnt that bad...keep droppin and elevatin.~1`


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  4. July 11th, 2005, 11:32 PM #4
    CrazyCarl
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    The rhyming and vocab for this was solid. One of the strengths of the piece was the description. You created good action in the second half. It's nice to see that something inspired you to write. This had the type of plotline, where you could go further in depth with the character's life and emotions, to give the story more background. The imagery was there, since you went into detail with the action.
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  5. July 12th, 2005, 06:42 AM #5
    Swordsman
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    Cheers for the feedback guys. Uppin^
    Last edited by Swordsman; July 12th, 2005 at 10:08 AM

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  6. July 12th, 2005, 07:46 AM #6
    TeLLaKoNeSiS
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    I Vote He Be Banned.

    Nice Drop By The Way, I Liked Your Style And Imagery
    Maybe We Could Do A Collab Sometime I Have A Feeling It Would Be Dope
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  7. July 13th, 2005, 04:41 PM #7
    Yung Caesa
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    Brilliant Topic, Sumthin I Havent Seen Yet, And Backed Up With 'Clear As Crystal' Imagery... Gud Wordplay Especially This:
    'In deep meditation, a figure sits on a hill
    A trance like sleep medication, but this is spiritual skill'
    That was also a gud opener...
    Flow was perfect and rhyme scheme was gud as well...
    The Weakest Point From What I Saw Was Vocab, Add In Sum Gud Words And You'll Be Hot As Fuck...
    Great Work
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  8. July 13th, 2005, 05:07 PM #8
    Gifted Signs
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    that was some tight shit i liked it you vocab and creativity was going good together nice drop keep it up
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  9. July 13th, 2005, 05:11 PM #9
    The Vendetta
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    Good Topic Man, The FLow Came Out Nice, Vocabulary Was Very Good Wordplay Decent Emotion Nice Imagery Was Cool, This Was A Very Good Piece Man The Story Line Was Okay But Structure Was A Little Bit Iffy Man, Over All Piece Was Very Nice Man, Hope To See More From You Soon Yo
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  10. July 13th, 2005, 05:20 PM #10
    The Vendetta
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    Rhyme Scheme Hmm Questionable But Chea Man Rhyme In Here Was Solid, I Think You Can Add Alot More Imagery Though And More Emotion To The Piece Good Adding More Feed Man Weerd
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