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Thread: Disect The Following

  1. July 3rd, 2005, 10:24 AM #1
    warchild
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    Disect The Following

    Pad pen, mad friends, grab ends, no chance
    Beats rhymes, each line, teach minds, cold glance
    Cause i was left alone, stressed and stoned
    Lace the boots, vacate the stoop, stepped and roamed
    Around this dark street, sound of heart beats
    Stop my tracks, forgot my raps, wanna start beef ?
    Please dont cause believe me you couldnt survive it
    Hold rage, cold cage, low wage, i work the suicide shift
    Constantly thinking will death reap my soul from my body today
    I haunt each season, with street demons, sorry to say
    I stand wide eyed, why cry, at this savage landscape
    Me and this bottle of booze are tighter than a handshake
    Im planning on putting this piece of paper to rest
    Im contemplating beat selection, in deep depression, i cater to stress
    I keep my hopes on a tight leash but my plans escaping
    Some follow in the shadow of god im in the hands of satan

    Hook-
    Open your mind and please disect the following
    Im just occupied and thinking what tommorow brings
    Im trying to change but im just weighed down by sorrow, sin
    You either identify or just ignore these rhymes im writing
    I got enough enemies but it only seems my mind im fighting

    I posses a good heart but the mind of blind crooks
    My girl left me cause im addicted to abusing my rhyme book
    Im more deluded than the people who are thinking im sane
    I cut thugs, fuck blood, all i got is ink in my vains
    Im trying to give up so i just put dope in a sentence
    Theres a fight in my pen, im writing again,and theres ghosts in attendence
    The temparature in the room stops my thought process
    I cant trust the living so i believe that a corpse knows best
    Living with this mind state any longer i fear that
    Im using my switchblade to wipe away my tear tracks
    Fact fiction, rap listen, cause thats a key in life
    Live it up, never give it up, you wont see it twice
    Im a hard headed bastard i dont take my own advice
    While your searching scars, im working hard, never home at night
    I recieve minimum wage but i guess i deserve that
    If i escape getting locked up, and death doesnt pop up i'll reserve rap

    Dont sleep on this piece, my structure is off in some lines but thats because theres a lot of inside rhyme patterns in the bars.
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  2. July 3rd, 2005, 11:00 AM #2
    warchild
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    Links:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207173
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=207298
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  3. July 3rd, 2005, 12:21 PM #3
    Johnny 6-feet
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    you got multi's bursting out of your ears on this one warchild! i swear you're getting better with every piece you drop. a solid topic with an original, fractured style to start the piece off and some random crazy imagery thrown to make it more interesting to read. decent vocab and a solid hook, although the odd number of lines threw the flow off a little. a good read though.

    You fancy a place in Kung Flow? You've got skills and you're active and that's what we're looking for.

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  4. July 3rd, 2005, 12:51 PM #4
    Urban_Myth
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    i trully enjoyed this piece the multies were incredible but beware too many multies can ruin a piece or hide the true meaning of the piece and make it hard to read you hade some very nice vocab there overall a nice piece

    and as johnny said join kung flow
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  5. July 3rd, 2005, 01:00 PM #5
    HighClass
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    This was pretty crazy with multies... You used em well just so you know. It wasnt overdone or anything like that. On some parts I felt structure could have helped to inhance the flow more, but in others the shit was on point. The subject was decent. Over all it wasnt bad at all, I liked readin this one...

    ( PLz return the favor and check "Dont Be Fooled" in the open mic 1st page, good look )


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  6. July 3rd, 2005, 02:09 PM #6
    warchild
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    Yeah i did put loads of multies in this piece but i did it on purpose i just wanted this verse to be a show of my skills.
    The last piece i dropped people said it lacked multies so i just threw a load in this verse to show what i can do i appreciate the feed.
    Yeah im down to join kung flow but pm me about it 2moro i gotta work 2nite, i work nights 11pm till 7am its a bitch factory work is a motherfucker lol.
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  7. July 4th, 2005, 08:23 AM #7
    The Vortex
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    yo the whole flow of the first verse was sharp main, i was feeling that shite fosho.

    Please dont cause believe me you couldnt survive it
    Hold rage, cold cage, low wage, i work the suicide shift

    yeah!

    i can relate to the whole feeling of this, resembles my mindstate in most parts...


    a couple of nits... I think the chorus/hook seemed a bit off point... maybe a bit overstretched or something... and ok you stated already a couple lines iz outta structure, perhaps they work on another level anyway...

    the 2nd verse although having some dope lines lacked some of the sharpness of verse ones delivery

    my fav line from verse 2 was-
    I cut thugs, fuck blood, all i got is ink in my vains

    nice internal rhymes going on in here.

    inspires me to go write a sick flow today

    pz1
    .................................................. ......................
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  8. July 4th, 2005, 01:21 PM #8
    warchild
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    Thanks for the feed, uppin this.
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  9. July 5th, 2005, 12:24 PM #9
    warchild
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    Thanks for sleeping on this piece.
    There aint nobody else coming with rhyme schemes like this on this site stop hating.
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  10. July 6th, 2005, 12:53 PM #10
    warchild
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    Hahaha as usual one of the dopest lyricists on this board is getting slept on.
    Fucking haters.
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  11. July 6th, 2005, 04:33 PM #11
    The Asylum
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    Damn son..
    Your shceme was fresh..
    It worked the topic over nicely..
    Flow was on..
    Switched ya style up for a minute in the second verse..
    Got real deep into the topic..
    Then came back with it to close..
    Solid drop duke..
    Hit me for a collabo sometime.
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  12. July 6th, 2005, 04:40 PM #12
    WhiteNoise
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    niice i really enjoyed this piece, the rhyming was awsome... the structure was good but it was just a little off like you said...straight up flow on this one i really like it a lot and i will be looking for some more to read....peace
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  13. July 6th, 2005, 06:25 PM #13
    soymilk!
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    the rhyme scheme was so rad and the flow was just nice, not to mention the emotion was powerfull aswell, i'd like to hear this over some epic beat, hah, all i'm thinking right now for a killer beat is that kanye west song "diamonds".
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  14. July 8th, 2005, 11:35 AM #14
    warchild
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    Thanks for the feed i think this piece deserved some more feed so im glad i got some more feed. uppin this.
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  15. July 8th, 2005, 11:46 AM #15
    FLYEST NIGGA EVA
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    yo homie that shit was off tha chain ya multis were crazy everything flowed...i enjoyed that shyt.............hotness man you really worked on this one the hook fitted right to the verse no stupid shyt.......i mean that shyt was dope ass hell cant say it enough way ta go keep up that hood work.....one love stay uo player!!!!
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