the dream

[asylum]

links
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...20#post2639420
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=1#post2639471

Waiting for my time to come in which ill leave my mark on this earth/
Since birth ive been destined to be the best to be better than all the rest/
On the outside im quiet but inside screaming/
With my eyes gleaming ready for my time to come as I grow numb/
These fealings of want and these fealings of desire consume me down to the wire/
Ive lost control of reality as the fire inside takes me away/
Today Is my day in which ill finally prevail to those who say otherwise ill bring hell/
No longer am I gonna sit back and watch time fly while I slowly die as life passes me by/
I grow stronger with each and every rhyme as I rap each time/
Finally my time has come to shine as I blind u In shock and make u wish u had my fame/
Asylums gonna be the greatest there ever was at this game/
Its insane so many people have the same dream but so many dreams become crushed/
A dream is a delicate thing which cannot be rushed/
One wrong move and it can be/
GONE/

[asylum]

i need feadback everybody

[Jawn Raw]

well um your stucture needs work bad man, your imagery could use work well your imagery was more random then anything, really try and focus on writing story's then writing random type things that are almost like freestyles..but anyway your stucture could sue work your emotion lacks as well use cama's like (,) to show emotion and dont use the word (and) lots and keep it good up the vocabulary more and you will probably come out like me...anyway not bad piece.

rtf on my om white flag links in the sig 1

[Logic Sosa]

yeah i hate to be negative but ya structure was almost non existant an the content was pretty average....you were lackin in most key aspects but then werent we all when we first started....an it definitly aint the worst ive seen....5/10

[asylum]

ight thanx

common everyone i need more feedback