__SpLiT~PerSonaLiTieS__Need critique

[sILLable]

a style thats free,never smile at me.....
i spit violently,you rip silently.....
slow motion like a mile a week.....
speak like a child thats three.....
my identity is secret,thats how i keep it....
so peep tha weakness,in side ya weakest...
they rhyme ya speechless.....
they drain tha funds like leeches....
at a podium standin tall givin speeches.....
no more fuckin,in tha bleechers.....
they cant reach us,without equipment.....
my rhymes like cocaine,send a shipment...
people buy it,like new drugs they like to try it....
no more acid,still im fryin,feel im flyin....
my thoughts are lyin,my words are cryin....
admiration in this world,will stab you waitin.....
while ya girl just stands there hatin....


there ya go jekyll,a legitimate title,now stop hatin on my pieces and colsin them hoes down,thats throwed kid.~1~

[Obseen]

a style thats free,never smile at me.....
i spit violently,you rip silently.....

liekd this line just a little art of it made me feel it was forced,
the rip silently didnt seem to fit in too much for me was still nice thow.

slow motion like a mile a week.....
speak like a child thats three.....

yeh this is nice like the lay on words,
an the multi is nice an has a great affect.

my identity is secret,thats how i keep it....
so peep tha weakness,in side ya weakest.

yeh liek the second line on this an the first was good aswell.

they rhyme ya speechless.....
they drain tha funds like leeches....
at a podium standin tall givin speeches.....
no more fuckin,in tha bleechers.....

liekd the second line on this it was nice lovin the multis

they cant reach us,without equipment.....
my rhymes like cocaine,send a shipment...

yeh tis was cool.

people buy it,like new drugs they like to try it....
no more acid,still im fryin,feel im flyin....
my thoughts are lyin,my words are cryin....
admiration in this world,will stab you waitin.....
while ya girl just stands there hatin....

this was aight not as good as the rest thow i fink you should re-do this bit.

overall yeh i really liked this i love your use of multis mayb you coudl help me somtme cus i need to start using them an you have masered em as far as i cna see.
but yeh nice flow aswell really liekd this .

stay up bruv -1-

[sILLable]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197750

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171363

oh forgot my links,wouldnt want my piece gettin closed before i get a chance to fix it.~1~

[sILLable]

uppin.~1~

[sILLable]

uppin this one.~1~

[DiMs_831]

yo dawg i felt on the real...tha flow was clean but ya got shakey towards the end...if u were to work on that a little more it would be alot better...and i was feelin them first two lines...that right there was a good way to open ya piece...so all together man i liked it...keep it up ight

[sILLable]

thanks for tha critique.~1~

[sILLable]

uppin for critique.~1~

[Awaken]

Umm, this piece wasn't good, at all. First of all, get off the gangster rap, cocaine shipment, hoes, money, and guns tip...it won't get you anywheres if you want to be a good writer in time. Expand your thoughts and topic choices. Most of this shit basically made no sense at all. If you wanted to do another one of these types of disses/bragging pieces, you have to put more wit into it. Make people laugh, or atleast try to put a smile on their faces, I was sitting here like ''fuck this piece, im not even gonna reply'' but, im not an asshole, I reply to whatever I read. Just, keep at it man, eventually, the more pieces you read, the more you get inspired to bring in the good wordplay and all that typical bullshit. Sit back for a day or two, read a few legendary pieces and study em, then write something, youll get inspired like that, to be one of the greats. Keep at it, I expect to see more from you in the near future.

[XM]

Its was iight but thas jus fo the flow it wasn't consistant all the way through you started off good but that was bout it the first four lines was nice i like'd thohs
but overall it was still a bad peice i've seen worst but you tried i'll give it a 4/10

[sILLable]

thanks for tha critique but this shit wasnt gangsta rap,actually read my pieces all tha way through before you reply some stupid shit to em'~1~

[sILLable]

uppin one last time.~1~