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Thread: White Flag

  1. #1
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    White Flag

    White Flag
    More forcefully than I had expected, I am lead into a war room
    it is dim lit and appears neglected, like the interior of a tomb
    the aura is like no other around the figures, who so largely loom
    their presence consumes, being a free thinker, may be my doom
    I would later discover that their stature was not all that was firm
    in addition to that I learned, that in their opinions they were stern
    confirmed was one of my slight hopes when one of the men spoke

    As a foreign strategist, at least one commander knew English
    my job being to assist amongst the midst of a massive resistance
    but with my conservative mindset, I gave myself some distance
    in turn I at first earned a much smaller existence in the decisions

    Among me were the nation’s most regarded military minds
    I reasonably felt uneasy, armed soldiers guarded the confines
    but it would be correct to say that I have respect and aligned...
    with the country’s mankind, but apparently I must remind
    after off and on stints, with the locals I’ve made my imprints
    now under a more serious matter I may have to resell my pitch
    when I'm seated, mysterious chatter seems into my area switch
    the previous work I had no part in had gone off without a hitch

    I was ignorant to think that they had better technology
    they grant me an introduction to their tools without apology
    being used to computer screens, I was surprised by their map
    with no complex machines, there would be no mishap
    using replicas of artillery preparing against ploys and traps
    reminding me of children playing with toys letting time elapse
    with heated arguments over the paramount plan of attack
    I’m seated attentively with no support for my hunched back

    After a long, arduous debate, No More, is cried from the side
    the commander holds a white handkerchief with foolish pride
    his message implied, he waits for one of the participants to reply
    I am feeling dumbfounded as It’s our only choice, is lowly sighed
    after hours of letting ideas collide, I thought we had made strides
    with a new fervor, I no longer stayed an observer, not letting this slide

    I had been taught to keep surrendering as an option in a winless fight
    but as of late I have had a moral adoption, never stress what's not right
    so I then took a stand against the man who suggested the white flag
    prayed that the sentiment to quit does not extend, and hope it might sag
    because when you accept the flag of surrender, you disrespect your own
    everything that it stood for, becomes blotted and directly outshone

    But when I tried to have them embrace my case for action
    I was seen as an insane radical that was only a distraction
    Subtraction would serve their purpose to rid me of interaction
    The guard at the door silenced my voice, I was now the offender
    My life was taken when I cried out...
    .......................I'd rather die a thousand deaths than surrender!

  2. #2

  3. #3
    -=Illest Skill=- Vicious Breed's Avatar
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    Shit son ill piece..Somethign i would expect form u. You always come out wid nice songs

    I like dthe flow the vocab was amazing and the subject was good..not to mention u expressed it amazingly
    Let The Pen Bleed So My Wrists Don't
    Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist


  4. #4
    Banned Da Grinda's Avatar
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    Yo man, I thought this was sweet. It was long, but that made it more interesting, like I wante to find out what was happening. I guess in some places I could see a couple forced rhymes (as I would call them). But thats ok, it's still good. Nice storyline.

  5. #5
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    thanks, leave links

  6. #6
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    sense we were the ones who battled and i lost to you anyway ill leave feed well anyway your flow was weak little streched stucture was good inner rhyme scheme was decent coulda been a lot better vocabulary was decent coulda been better outta rhyme scheme was pretty good imagery was very good and overall i rate this a C-

  7. #7
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    bump

  8. #8
    this sound more like a story than a rap, but some good rhymes along with it, i could visualize what you were trying to mean, nice....

  9. #9
    Mister. Andrew..'s Avatar
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    Very nice peice. Good concept and i liked the way you went with the concept throughout the whole thing. Was long but was worth the read. One thing that could of been improved in this peice was the multis which would of caused less lines to be forced I think. Vocabulary was straight throughout. The best feature of your peice had to your imagery. Good job on that. Thanks for hitting up my peice.
    Back.

  10. #10
    Green Hour Madness Bounce's Avatar
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    I really liked this peice here man, not only was it done well. it parallels what I have done in real life. I know first hand what it is like to sit in a cammad room/war room, I know what it's like barking out orders that have a direct impact on lives. I know the guilt and frustration associated with such a lifestyle, you did a good job at describing that here. This reminds me of a peice I wrote for the Dennis Prager talk show about my ordeals and tribualations, over a career that is heavlily bombarded with such. Nice way to produce that emotion and imagery, but I think it would appeal more to those that have an idea of were you are going. I think you could of set it up better by giving the readers some to parallel, they may not understand the conflict of emotions unless introduced to a famialr sceneriao. I think you could have better regulated your line lenght and I think you could have impacted your reader better by paintint these comparisons. blah what do I know... I did like this here man...

    [YOUTUBE]Av7yOXafS40?hd=1[/YOUTUBE]
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  11. #11
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    thank you, up

  12. #12
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Obseen's Avatar
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    More forcefully than I had expected, I am lead into a war room
    it is dim lit and appears neglected, like the interior of a tomb
    Yeh nice opening like the wordplay on this line.

    the aura is like no other around the figures, who so largely loom
    their presence consumes, being a free thinker, may be my doom
    Imagery here is nice like it.

    would later discover that their stature was not all that was firm
    in addition to that I learned, that in their opinions they were stern
    confirmed was one of my slight hopes when one of the men spoke
    yeh liked this had some sik flow on this line going nicely.

    As a foreign strategist, at least one commander knew English
    my job being to assist amongst the midst of a massive resistance
    Yeh feelin the play on words here.

    but with my conservative mindset, I gave myself some distance
    in turn I at first earned a much smaller existence in the decisions
    nice bar again solid so far.

    Among me were the nation’s most regarded military minds
    I reasonably felt uneasy, armed soldiers guarded the confines
    but it would be correct to say that I have respect and aligned...
    with the country’s mankind, but apparently I must remind
    Yeh feeling the flow on t an your use of words.

    after off and on stints, with the locals I’ve made my imprints
    now under a more serious matter I may have to resell my pitch
    when I'm seated, mysterious chatter seems into my area switch
    the previous work I had no part in had gone off without a hitch
    wow this is nice really nice use of words again.

    I was ignorant to think that they had better technology
    they grant me an introduction to their tools without apology
    Yeh this is nice welll explained.

    being used to computer screens, I was surprised by their map
    with no complex machines, there would be no mishap
    using replicas of artillery preparing against ploys and traps
    reminding me of children playing with toys letting time elapse
    with heated arguments over the paramount plan of attack
    I’m seated attentively with no support for my hunched back
    the flow was a little off in the bit but still I like the wordplay in it.

    After a long, arduous debate, No More, is cried from the side
    the commander holds a white handkerchief with foolish pride
    Bang this was sik flow and very nice bar

    his message implied, he waits for one of the participants to reply
    I am feeling dumbfounded as It’s our only choice, is lowly sighed
    Yeh this was nice I could imagine this in my head

    after hours of letting ideas collide, I thought we had made strides
    with a new fervor, I no longer stayed an observer, not letting this slide
    This was cool nice aggression.

    had been taught to keep surrendering as an option in a winless fight
    but as of late I have had a moral adoption, never stress what's not right
    nice vocab in these words.

    so I then took a stand against the man who suggested the white flag
    prayed that the sentiment to quit does not extend, and hope it might sag
    because when you accept the flag of surrender, you disrespect your own
    everything that it stood for, becomes blotted and directly outshone
    wow this was sik again feeling this very descriptive.

    But when I tried to have them embrace my case for action
    I was seen as an insane radical that was only a distraction
    Sik again bruv.

    Subtraction would serve their purpose to rid me of interaction
    The guard at the door silenced my voice, I was now the offender
    My life was taken when I cried out...
    .......................I'd rather die a thousand deaths than surrender!
    Wow hit em with something hard to finish with this was dope.

    Overall this was fukin sik I like the way you describe everything but still keep on topic and don’t go of about it. Your vocab is crazy an the flow was really nice. There was a lot to comment on this so I thought I would take my time on it ther isn’t really noting I can crit on all im sayin is very nice piece.check my piece tomoz called”the good days”

  13. #13
    The King
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    Very good job here Carl.
    I like the rhymescheme...
    It reminds me of this verse I did for SS about Life as a Schizophrenic...
    Where I rhymed line after line after line after line...
    With the same rhyme.
    Not easy to do, but you pulled it off well.
    Great job here.
    I'm impressed.
    Never lived the experience, but your verse makes the audience feel there.
    Wrecks.

  14. #14
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    good looks guys, up

  15. #15
    avoid regret
    Guest
    i likeed it..... well done and use of words.........

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