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Thread: winter wonder land

  1. #1
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    winter wonder land

    Winter Wonder Land


    shivering cold hails dazing soft snow as he plays
    shoveled sidewalks decay, schools off for snow days
    melted flakes steep in the mittens, hands throb a freeze
    contemplating throbbing hands, he rests weight on his knees
    the sudden sensation tingles the caps of the young lad
    mentality erupts cold tears, brain storms of jacket pads
    a quick impact strikes his thighs, his mind breaks a tickle
    feeling compare to those of poking pains from an Icesickle
    gut-wrenching reflects, as he struggles getting on his feet
    his duties as a kid succeed, though keeping his clothes neat
    mother calls for cookies, he thrusts his aching bones
    snacks thrill em, anything for cookies and ice cream cones
    a packed stomach grumbles, as he stands from the table
    glances at children create snowmen, friends would enable
    confidently jets outside the door, confronting the kids
    rejection of playing occurs, causing tears under eyelids
    upsetting he thrives on holding mom, a sad child crys
    mother holds him corresingly, favoring family ties
    children are gone, he pervails on enjoying the snow
    and frolick with sleigh rides from hills high to low
    passions of playing are stopped, boredom occurs
    mother implys to warm up, creating coco he stirs
    hes cuddled around as he slirps the hot chocolate
    insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
    night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
    snow days encounter the moments of fun defined

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Our For Revenge.... ..Vendetta..'s Avatar
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    Nice Shit Man Had Some Decent Lines In Here Which Was Cool, Had Alot Od Meta's Expressing Shit Which Was Good Vocabylary Was Nice Man Leave links Y0
    Still Out For Revenge....

  4. #4
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    Uppin.

  5. #5
    Hmmm, this was good, ecspecially for an open mic,
    you usually see people rapping about how hard they is
    and shit like that... this was different, seemd more like
    a spoken word rap.. thas all good tho, some nice vocab here..
    good lux staying on topic...

    insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
    night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
    snow days encounter the moments of fun defined

    I liked the ending of this, it kind of summed the whole thing up...

    sTayy up
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  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Obseen's Avatar
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    melted flakes steep in the mittens, hands throb a freeze
    contemplating throbbing hands, he rests weight on his knees

    felt the 1st line on this could feel the imagery made me feel cold.

    gut-wrenching reflects, as he struggles getting on his feet
    his duties as a kid succeed, though keeping his clothes neat
    mother calls for cookies, he thrusts his aching bones
    snacks thrill em, anything for cookies and ice cream cones

    liked these alot.

    hes cuddled around as he slirps the hot chocolate
    insists on washing up, pounding hot water from faucet
    night time arouses, sleep floats inside his tired mind
    snow days encounter the moments of fun defined

    this was real nice ending.

    overall yeh i liked this quite alot felt the imagery in some parts vocab was nice an the flow was on point all the way through nice written stay up -1- watch for my piece tomoz called"the good days"
    Last edited by Obseen; May 30th, 2005 at 03:27 PM

  7. #7
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    Uppin....

  8. #8
    Art... K9_THESHIT's Avatar
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    This was nice Kost.The story was pretty cool.I liked your imagery,you had some nice metaphors,but i myself would've made some minor word changes in some parts.The rhymescheme was predictable.It didn't have much complexity.You had too few internals and your rhymes were mostly mono-syllabe.Try to step out of that conventional rhymescheme and develop one that you are the most confortable with.It isn't that hard to have a good or great content,enough have.But no matter how good your content is,if you don't have a complex rhymescheme(or at least a more complex) it takes away much from the beauty of the piece.At least this is how i feel...
    Anyway...a fairly decent drop Kost.Keep posting!

    Peace!
    Def Poets Society

  9. #9
    Jermaine Warrell
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    Jermaine Warrell]Yo this was hot, the first OM i read on RB is sick. Nice drop man, keep it up,The story was dope.I liked the imagery,you had some nice wordplay

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