User Tag List

Showing results 1 to 7 of 7

Thread: - Cubicle Chronicles -

  1. #1
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    A room with padded walls
    Posts
    25

    - Cubicle Chronicles -

    Rather new here... So I thought I'd drop one of my fav. written peices...


    Enjoy

    ========================================



    Every day.... Every fuckin day... The same Breakfast... The Same Road ....That same cubicle.. The Same People... Every Day... Every Single Day.. I can't do it..


    Welcome to Satan's Heaven, where Every Room in the house is 8x11
    Though Room is the wrong word... Jail Cell would better fit upon Inspection
    Say Hi to Kevin... white Male, A Wife and 2 Kids he's 37
    Manic Depression Running wild in Desprite need of Mentall Protection
    Cuz in his Reasoning there's an Infection, Deep down some type of Sickness
    Makes him Day Dream about Killing his boss and Any Witness
    Dump his Corpse amongst the Fishes, A Scene so Vivid and Vicious
    Yet It Bring's Joy to his day... It would Grant all On his Wish List
    Social Life is Kind of Hit-Miss.. Not to many Friends to Speak About
    Remebering High School kids.."GEEK!" They'd Shout, as Tears were steadily Leakin Out
    His Father used to Preach of Doubt, " You'll NEVER BE ANYTHING!!! "
    Which would explain the hate streaming through his blood.. It was In his Genes
    But He Saw Hope in Many Dream's, A Beautifull Future and Pretty Scene's
    Now He Sit's Day after Day Dreaming of Death by Any Mean's
    Echoing Gun Shot's and Blood Splattered Computer Screen's
    Last Breath's, Flesh..Splene's.. Death..Final rest and Women's Scream's
    He Seem's Nicely Dressed, Fresh Cut and Clean, Conformity in It's Finest Form
    But if you could see Deeper Inside He's Torn, Anything Besides the Norm
    Volumes of Self Help Book's.. Counciling... Temporary Changes Inside his Dorm
    Of Thought his Brain's Countinues to Rot Despite Reform, Cuz What Dwell's Within
    Sudden Urges To Repell and Sin, Finiding It Humourus Making him Compelled to Grin
    Figuring at Best God would only banish him into Hell... Again
    SO He walk's down the Hallway to th rythm of a Demonic Violine
    Leaking Hate through the many pore's that reside in his Skin
    Trying not to remind himself insdie he's constantly Re-Defining Grim
    Along with his Hair Line, His Time was Winding Thin, He Glances at a Broken Clock
    The Moment was Near to Judge his Peer's and those who Joke and Moch
    The One's Who Pointed and Laughed In Class and Threw Their Food and Trash
    Who left his Bike Tire's Slashed and Went Shoulder first into him as he Passed
    This god forsaken Office Staff... and All Their Whisper's behinde his Back
    No Turning back now His Mind's on Track... 2 Gloves 6 Gun's and Enough Slug's
    To have the Local PD awake all night dialing up their Loved Ones
    This is It.... He can Rest The Weight's Finally Off His Shoulder's
    For Them It's Just Begun, But for Him the Suffering's Over....

  2. #2
    The True Psycho of RB
    Join Date
    Nov 2004
    Location
    My Own Mind
    Age
    40
    Posts
    3,164
    Battle Record
    1-0
    This was a nice verse the concept was original so thats always good cause most people on here keep writing the same played concept.
    Your vocab stood out the most to me in this verse it really helps to have good vocab cause you can write good dark imagery in your verses and describe your feelings in a complex way. The structurr was a bit weak try and keep your bars more even cause it'll help when you do audios keep your vocab the same cause its nothing wrong with it.
    Your flow was average so try and work on the syllable and that will make your verses even tighter, keep writing keep posting.

    Return the feed:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193694

  3. #3
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    A room with padded walls
    Posts
    25
    Thanx... I really appreciate the feed..

  4. #4
    KoKaiN
    Guest
    word, i was feelin this shit homie, came with nice flow.. structure was a bit off but it didnt really matter, vocab was good.. actually the whole thing was pretty damn good for a newbie.. concept was fucking good.. str8
    nice shit

    return the feed

    1

  5. #5
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    A room with padded walls
    Posts
    25
    Newbie?


    Maybe my post count's low on this site..

    But believe I'm not a newbie... I've been writing on the net for years... writing by myself for even longer..

    But Thanx for the feed..

  6. #6
    Newbie
    Join Date
    May 2005
    Location
    A room with padded walls
    Posts
    25
    Float
    ArTiStiC MiNdZ

    But as for these enemies of mine who did not want me to be king over them—bring them here and slaughter them in my presence. -Luke 19:27











  7. #7
    KoKaiN
    Guest
    newbie meaning ur new to the site..

Similar Threads

  1. JChrist Chronicles .
    By J.Christ in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 6
    Last Post: January 30th, 2006, 05:41 PM
  2. Chronicles of Dopeness
    By Elavated in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 28
    Last Post: October 13th, 2005, 02:22 PM
  3. Chronicles of Dopeness
    By Elavated in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 10
    Last Post: September 26th, 2005, 03:51 PM
  4. Caliptic Chronicles.
    By Eye` in forum Closed Battles
    Replies: 352
    Last Post: September 19th, 2005, 09:20 PM
  5. Self Chronicles
    By Topic in forum Open Mic
    Replies: 15
    Last Post: July 15th, 2004, 09:42 PM

Posting Rules

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •