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Thread: Morbid Thoughts (SS peice)

  1. #1
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Morbid Thoughts (SS peice)

    Morbid Thoughts

    Once upon a time..
    I fell upon an young teenaged women under serious Control
    Of alcohol and mad drugging, she gave her parents a Parole
    She loved to party, even influenced from the wrong Crowd
    Sometimes she’d yell loud, even when she wasn’t Allowed
    Everyday she’d wonder off, her dad would search Alone
    But no matter what he’d find that her status was Unknown
    All alone, she told herself she couldn’t fight the Frustration
    So she wondered off searching, only for less of Temptation
    And never could she fall upon it, so she was stuck in Reality
    She thought it was a dream, yet she couldn’t snap the Mentality

    Her life was so troubled, she knew she had to turn and go Back
    Only thing was her life wasn’t on track, feeding off her Slack
    She couldn’t find anyone, only people left were her Family
    But she got into a world of sexuality, she wasn’t living Happily
    Eventually she’d stumble across a man with no inner Empathy
    So messed up, she’d never use condoms, aids was the Guarantee
    Age 23, she was so young, she still had plenty years Remaining
    Yet she’s gone through the worst pain, how much more Containing?
    Her parents haven’t even found out, imagine all the Depression
    But drugs and alcohol was her obsession, they were her Profession

    She lived with the man she was dating, yet still stuck in Confusion
    Her life was coming to conclusion, with choices to snap the Illusion
    Either she could turn to her parents, or just live a painful Life
    Without her parents knowing, maybe they’d bring the true Christ
    Eventually her boy friend got worried and called upon Assistance
    But as her life was dwindling, everybody around wished for Existence
    And with sad looks on their faces, god gave all of his Persistence
    Hoping for resistance, she still wouldn’t live the further Distance
    Her family took her to the hospital with an 100% Conscience
    Without her, her family couldn’t just live in that bad Province

    It’s Over..
    It was her time to pass, all alone in the night she passes Away
    There was no possible way of her to stay, it was her turn that Day

  2. #2
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    Last edited by Jawn Raw; May 14th, 2005 at 02:00 PM

  3. #3
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    uppin come on.

  4. #4
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    uppin....

  5. #5
    Back rile1's Avatar
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    dam dude thats some nice stuff man I really liked tha multies, hey are u a topical or a texter?? cuz if ur a texter man I need to practice lol, oh yeah great flow and tha story really struck a spot with me very emotional keep up ur stuff man
    also if u dont mind can u vote in my battle??
    its here http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=193517

  6. #6
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    im a topical cat but i know a little things about text. like wordplay i dont practice them cuz i dont like it but i know it.

    thanks yea ill vote. uppin

  7. #7
    Our For Revenge.... ..Vendetta..'s Avatar
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    Nice Piece Alot Of Imagery Had Some Nice Vocabulary Better Then What You've Bin Doing Letely Good Strcutre Had Some Decent Lines Closer Was Cool, You Had Nice Meta's In Here Less Multi's As You Use In Other Verses Which Is Decent Keep Em Coming
    Still Out For Revenge....

  8. #8
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    thanks a lot man. uppin

  9. #9
    Back rile1's Avatar
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    alright cool keep up tha work as I sed B 4 but man vote quick!! this is tha longest battle I've ever had in my life lol

  10. #10
    Holy Weight
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    Nice narrative, I was feelin' it. The girl in your story had some issues, and it made it seem more realisitic the way you told it. I think you should work on more complexity in your pieces, if anything. Good job though, man. Keep writing your pieces.

  11. #11
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    thanks a lot what do you mean by complexity though because last tiem you gave feed on my OM as Exclusive you said i sucked. do you mean like use more vocab beetwen each rhyme?

  12. #12
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    uppin...

  13. #13

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    nice peice good imagery....nice vocab flowed well.
    just a good all round peice well done.

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  14. #14
    Banned MakeShyft's Avatar
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    Seen this topic alot, yurs was a little differnt from the others, kinda sounds like a news broadcast, kepp elevatin on different perspectives, and dont just try and lock the rhym scheme and flow, But decent peice, peace

  15. #15
    Wordbenders Jawn Raw's Avatar
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    fuck you dont tell me its an played topic i didnt choose it idiot.

    thanks for the feed K.

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