Withered Rose

[Issue]

Withered Roses
A rose still grows no matter how much the wind blows...
And I know he still knows that we still remember in those...
...Moments of nostalgia... How this rose came to be...
And how its now withered and weathered, but it still smells as sweet........

I want to give strength to my Nan,
I want to help her stand and offer her this hand...
But now its writing this tribute, one I've always planned.
I've always had it in my mind that time will take its toll...
But I've fought reasons not to find feelings within my soul.
Im weakening at the thought of you weaping,
Screaming inside and not being able to tell anyone or sigh.
I want to find those tears and cry them for you...
I want you to hear my words said before you...
I want to walk you from wherever you are and talk you into staying.
I want you to ignore the pain you feel and pour your all into what I'm saying.
I wish I could give you my strength, because you deserve it so much more...
And I'm sure if you do pass Heaven'll have an open door.
And a seat named Michael McCormick, right where the Angels sore.

A rose still grows no matter how much the wind blows...
And I know he still knows that we still remember in those...
...Moments of nostalgia... How this rose came to be...
And how its now withered and weathered, but it still smells as sweet........

The past is a place I've never wanted to visit,
I feel like a coward now after seeing you live it.
All the things you've witnessed are of postitions of interest.
I can vision you in distress in my dreams...
But seeing it is never as real as it seems.
When I sleep I can wish you the best and it appears,
But now I keep seeing you lying almost motionless through tears.
I can see the years my youthful eyes were once blind too,
Its like I can hear your muffled cries through this voice but I can't find you.
And I can't even try to guide you because Id feel so out of place beside you...
I would never cry in front of you,
Because man to man Im already so far under you...
The things you've gone through,
And how you've always shone through...
Its a wonder how strong you've been all this time,
And I feel pity that all I can give you is these lines.
But these rhymes are my strength and I hope one day you'll read them...
And if not I'll keep them... Because I know I'll someday need them.

A rose still grows no matter how much the wind blows...
And I know he still knows that we still remember in those...
Moments of nostalgia... How this rose came to be...
And how its now withered and weathered, but it still smells as sweet........

------------
My Grandad's pretty Ill in hospital, i don't really know what to think and this I just wrote, hopefully to get some stuff off my chest. It isn my usual type of drop, but id like some feed.

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184994
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...08#post2280408

[AbusivE]

sorry to hear 'bout your grandad, hope he gets better...

onto the peice... the emotion stood out ALOT. the hook fit this peice perfectly, i liked the concept of the rose. you came very deep in this, wich made this peice stand out.. you worded everthing in this very good, made the emotion that much stronger.. everything in this flowed pretty good, i seen a good amount of multis.. there was a few parts in this i was really liking..


I want to walk you from wherever you are and talk you into staying...
I want you to ignore the pain you feel and pour your all into what I'm saying...
I wish I could give you my strength, because you deserve it so much more...
And I'm sure if you do pass Heaven'll have an open door...
And a seat named Michael McCormick, right where the Angels sore...



I can see the years my youthful eyes were once blind too...
Its like I can hear your muffled cries through this voice but I can't find you.
And I can't even try to guide you because Id feel so out of place beside you...
I would never cry in front of you, because man to man Im already so far under you...
The things you've gone through, and how you've always shone through...
Its a wonder how strong you've been all this time... And I feel pity that all I can give you is these lines.
But these rhymes are my strength and I hope one day you'll read them...
And if not I'll keep them... Because I know I'll someday need them.

^^My favourite parts in this peice, emotion in them were very good... but yeah, theres truly nothin bad to say about this, you did a good job on it, its not your usual type of drop but you came very good in it...nice job.. and again, i hope your grandad gets better...

[AbusivE]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=185454
^return the favor.

Upping for you.. i guess

[Baron Mynd]

Those first four lines were cool, a nice opener, easy to read, and im not sure if you did it intentionally - but i liked the scheme you used in the opening two lines as well.

A rose still grows no matter how much the wind blows...
And I know he still knows that we still remember [/b]in those[/b]...

One question: Why didnt you carry that one through the piece?!
It would of made it SO much tighter. Seriously.
After that you seemed to slide back into that single syllable rhyming pattern, but ehhhh .. I wont get on your back too much over that at this time. BUT i will say, TRY TO THROW IN MORE SCHEMES LIKE THAT IN FUTURE, AND USE MULTIS. They will improve your writing a hell of a lot.
Another thing ive been thinking to tell you after reading this, is to possibly ditch this structure that most of RB use and go for one similar to the one i preffered. Im mnot sure if it would help you any, but maybe if you wrote it like this - it would be easier for people to follow without the lines seeming so long. Break each one up.

I want to give strength to my Nan,
I want to help her stand and offer her this hand...
But now its writing this tribute, one I've always planned.
I've always had it in my mind that time will take its toll...
But I've fought reasons not to find feelings within my soul...
Im weakening at the thought of you weaping...
Screaming inside and not being able to tell anyone or sigh.
I want to find those tears and cry them for you...
I want you to hear my words said before you...

Something like that, perhaps? Its the centering that throws yours off. I'll admit, i didnt read all of this. But if you did that scheme at the beginning intentioonally, then already you're improving a lot. I was very impressed with that. Nice to see you're making progress, just try carrying it throughout your next piece for even longer .. and work on those multi's damn you!


- Baron, Issues Trainer.

[Issue]

heh, thanks abusive.

And thanks Baron, my trainer lol... Ill try use the multi's from now on, I'm already improving from where I was huh? and I don't really like splitting my rhymes up as the piece becomes longer and people sleep on it, but I might aswell start from now on because I rarely get feed more than 10 words anyways.

Uppn this.

[Baron Mynd]

Maaaaaaaaaaan, it has nothing to do with how long pieces are. Kids will read it if its dope. Look at my Blood On The Pillow piece, that was 100 + lines long and kids read it. Multi's will help your flow a lot, and tighten up your pieces content. If i were you, id split the rhymes up a little. Look at how much easier it is to read from how it looks when i split it up / didnt center it. Plus, my word of advice to you would also be to join a topical league if you havent already .. You'll learn a lot from those, and quite quickly too. Thats how i got started. RapMusic has quite a good one you could join ..

[..IllThoughtZ..]

yo u had mad emotion in this piece...and i agree with baron u should breakup lines a bit more that way the syllable count comes a lil better thus making for a good flow...this piece should've been longer because i was attached to is the whole time and seemed unsatisfied when it was over.lol..but i see a lot of potential in you and u will mos def be one of the elite writers on rb..
RTF pllzzz...
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=184638

[Issue]

Uppity

......

[Jaecen]

Well first off, I havent even started to read it, and truthfully, I'm already discouraged, simple because of the centering, the not centering, the different size fonts...blah blah blah... Just keep it basic. A good piece will still stand out. *Reads it*

Aight, well, you started of strong, actually, for first bar...

A rose still grows no matter how much the wind blows...
And I know he still knows that we still remember in those

...was your best. After this you kinda fell off, flow wise. The story was emotional, and you told it well, but next time, try to use ALOT more multis or inner rhymes, like your first bar. This will make the read have more of a rhythem, plus, for readers that cant comprehend your words, they atleast have a kick ass flow that will keep their interest.

Good work tho.

[TProphet]

Dope...
I Admit I Didnt Notice Wha Baron Said About Your Rhymes Until He Noticed It....Otherwise i Wouldnt Of Been Able To Flaw This Piece......
Emotion Was Deffinitly On Point And I Couldnt See Any Way That You Could Have Improved That....
Listen To Baron And Youll Be Kool
Return Tha Favour??
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...98#post2282498

[Issue]

thx for the advice jaecen, but Ill take my advice from the friendly neighbourhood vet

[Foreshadow]

Pretty dope drop.. I was feeling the whole concept of things. The opener was nice.

[Issue]

... I appreciate your feed Forshadow because I know you know what you're talking about... But Id also like the vets, or at least the respected heads here, to let me know what they liked and why, and also what I could do to elevate the parts they weren't feeling. Something you can see that Baron is doing...

Baron is godly

[Laureate]

I thought this was pretty ok

Pluses: You showed some talent with spurts of nice internal rhyming...I thought your second verse was the best by far...you really came out with emotion....it was real well done....imagry was blurry but there at times which helped feed and fuel the emotion...this piece read very well as the syllable count was pretty spot on...you definitly have a natural talent

Minuses: I would have liked to have seen you keep that internal rhyming going throughout your piece.....but dont cram too much in there....find the happy medium....your first verse I thought was kinda weak compared to your second....I also would have liked to have seen a more descriptive imagry....you started doin it a little by describing your grandpa "lying almost motionless through tears"...build off that....describe everything yous ee in detail to help the imagry...and describe every emotion you feel to up the emotion

Now...I understand that I have no right to tell you how to write because this is a personal piece about real events and some things might be to painful to write down...but heres my point of view.....if its too painful and personal...dont post it on RB...keep it for you own personal use.....I dont like being too critical about personal pieces and I mean no offense by critiquing this piece...Im just tryin to help you out as a writer

-Lyric

[Issue]

Excactly... Thanks man, I really do appreciate the feed. And I posted this just because none of my family know that I write, and few of my friends, so this was the only place I could really show it. Why write something to keep to yourself, thats what diaries are for.

And that was some especially nice feed, one I can use, thanks a lot man.