Past and Present

[Slowhands]

Deviate
Amend



Rounding the edges of the rolling hills of the countryside,
I squint through the light across the vast expanses - My eyes flicking side to side.
My gaze is broken by thick woodland trees lining the road,
The sound of gravel grinding awakes my ears as the car slows.
My Grandpa stands smiling in the modest doorway to his home,
I kiss my mother goodbye and she reminds me not to moan.
Unsure of myself I carry my weight with care across the drive,
He reaches out, puts an arm around me and guides me inside.
The rich smell of antique mahogony flavours the air,
Passing a library and dining room he directs me to the stairs.
I leave my backpack by the banister as he reveals a ladder,
He helps me up and follows me up soon after.

"I was cleaning out the attic... Have a look around you might find something interesting!"

I walked across the weak, grey clothed floorboards,
They reply to my very footsteps with soft creaks - They implore.
I find an elegant box nestled in the corner of the room,
I open it and find a tattered uniform - Features imbelished by the dark gloom.
Miscoloured medals lie dormant across the lapels of the jacket,
I look unimpressed yet ask Grandpa what the signs mean on his pockets.
The cracks of the wooden walls release light onto his face,
I look up to see his eye twinkle at the sight I had found in this place...

As I knelt down on the hard floor, resting my old hand on his shoulder
I Grabbed the worn photgraph that would explain me as the soilder
Without words I place the photo upon the garments he plunders through
Touching the medals as he studyed the picture, looking up, he understood
His wonder grew with great intrest, as he starts to stand with the attire
Placing the clothes upon his own, in hopes of the filling it would require
The pants hung from his waist, as he doubled up the legs to suit his size
And the jacket swallowed his arms, but a strong admiration in his eyes
My eyes gaze into the past forgotten, the endless nights of fearing death
The chaos of bombs and the dying, these thoughts yet to clearly rest
He marched across the room, mimicing what he has seen in the movies
Left, right, left, right, as I read his lips, he nievely salutes me

Heavy footsteps evoke shreeks from the floor - Creaks from the door,
Grandpa disturbed by the screams of old retires to a pillow on the floor.
I swivel on my heel and peer across at his slumped body,
Realization sweeps through my mind as questions start developing.
The solemn expression he holds blends him with the room,
An extension of the gloom he hazards a smile to me - I assume...
The cogs turn mechanically clicking the pieces into place,
Questions materialize across my mind - I move over ignoring the untied shoelace.
I crouch next to him wearing the army fatigues,
I ask him "What was it like?" - I'm intrigued.

As my mind paces to this question asked, I fumble with my thoughts
He grins with anticipation, unaware to the trouble it has brought
I tell him "I have fought for freedom, and your to young to understand"
But in my mind are the reminders, and of course the lives of other men

The awkwardness lifts from the atmosphere as I peer at him through my hair,
His eyes sullen and moist from his trapped emotion escaping - He looks at the stair.
My eyes dart around the room seeing the memories scattered under the dust,
I reach out to him as if I'm renewing him - Removing the rust I entrust...The End



This collaboration was brought to you by,
Deviate as the grandson, and Amend as the grandfather.
If you reply to this piece, please elaborate with your honest opinions and helpful advice
Thank You

[Deviate]

Baron Mynd

Music's Artist's - A Pancake Collab

Peace

[TProphet]

Nice Descriptive Story....
Deviate.... Imagery On Point
As Ive Seen In All Tha Pieces Ive Replied To From You
The rich smell of antique mahogony flavours the air,
^^ Loved This Line Bcos People Often Forget To Use Smell In Imagery
Cant Really Fault You
Amend...Great Imagery Was Your Strong Point In This Aswell
1st Ive Seen From You....Impressed

Both Complimented Each Other Well Wit Solid Verses
Return Tha Favour On Tha OM That OI Will Be Posting Soon??

[Slowhands]

thanks for the reply and advice, we need more like you.
up

[Baron Mynd]

Maaaaaaaaaaaan, shit in this forum gets SLEPT on nowadays ..

This wasnt bad .. Imagery held its own in this piece, you kept it fairly descriptive throughout .. built up a kinda repertoire between the grandfather and grandson as you carried the piece forward .. I liked that. Flow wasnt bad, it reads well, the only thing id fault to give you advice on would be perhaps the rhyme scheme. You seemed to stick with a fairly standard one and ran without throughout the entire piece, which, theres nothing wrong with doing that - BUT - its better if you switch it up every now and again, never let the reader settle into the piece like that - it gets repetitive. You should always keep them on their toes. It also keeps them reading it, looking out for schemes they may of missed if not concentrating on the piece fully, you see what i mean? All in all, a good read. I enjoyed it. Props to both of you man ..

Amend - Respond to my piece! Dev, thanks for doing so already ..


Pz!

[Neruda II]

Wow. This was very fresh from what I'm used to reading. It was a heartwarming story, very emotional and descriptive.

Deviate-Again, you surprise me. You took your imagery to another level here, you described the surroundings perfectly. Smell, sight, touch and sound. Everything you wrote was written down with elegance and very Softly. Like, the tone was very smooth, easy, and still interesting. I think you did an incredible job here, I think you even outshone the vet (lol). Again, the only thing is that your lines are too stretched, some lines have too many syllables and it messes up the rhythm. Try to keep your lines more even and neat and the transition from rhyme to rhyme will be more easier on the rhythm.

Unsure of myself I carry my weight with care across the drive,
He reaches out, puts an arm around me and guides me inside.

^Even lines, the flow of the piece is much easier to follow and the rhyme comes off stronger since the syllable count in each line is close.

The rich smell of antique mahogony flavours the air,
Passing a library and dining room he directs me to the stairs.

^The second line is too stretched out, the difference is enough to interupt the rhythm and disrupt the flow. Although it is great imagery, you can't ignore rhyme and rhythm in an open mic.

Great job none the less deviate. I felt this was great for you, widened your writing library to something that I haven't seen before.


Amen-You did a pretty good job in this too. I thought that your tone was what stood out the most to me. When reading it, it's what really stood out. I could actually hear the old man's voice speaking. The tone also helped with the imagery since I didn't really have much to go on as far as how the grandfather looks. Your word choice was good too, it wasn't too large, it was relevant to the character. You did a solid job on this, nothing really wrong with it, I think that you could've done a better job at it though.

Great collab you guys, and I hope to see more pieces like this in the future.

[Slowhands]

Baron. Martyr. Thanks for the replys and honest opinions, and I agree Martyr, Deviate is probably one of the best Open Mic'ers, thats the main reason I wanted to collab with him cause if you collab with someone better, then it pushes you to be just as good, and yes I believe I couldve done alot better but I figured the "old man" needed to be some-what simplistic, old fashion if you will. But regaurdless, thanks for the lengthy replys and feedback. Hopefully it catches on.
Up

[Baxter D. Wall]

Nice drop, i'm impressed. The concept was very well conceived, and the imagery chose to walk the fine-line between 'what the fuck are they talking about' and 'ok, we get it' which seems to lack from Open Mics nowadays. It's as if I could actually share the wonder in the grandson's eyes and the pride portrayed through the grandfather. I'm not going to bother with the usual bullshit 'Your lines we're uneven' or anything of that sort, because the bottom lines is, this is better than 90% of the Open Mics dropped on RB. Amend, you impressed me, I never knew you had it in you. You're imagery and creativeness is on par with a few of the better RB Open Mic heads, and this is an exceptional peice considering how long you've been gone. Deviate, while you did have a nice share in this, I feel as if you lacked something. Maybe it's because you we're a little too stand-offish in terms of imagery, or maybe it's because it seems as if a few bars we're somewhat forced.

"I walked across the weak, grey clothed floorboards,
They reply to my very footsteps with soft creaks - They implore."

"The solemn expression he holds blends him with the room,
An extension of the gloom he hazards a smile to me - I assume..."


Anyways, that's my opinion, take it or leave it. Nice drop fellas.

[Slowhands]

Well I hope to speak for both of us when I say honesty is always welcomed. Thanks for your reply, and up for more replys like what we have been getting.

[Sand]

Excellent story, AMEND, nice to see you long time no see. I hope to see more of your writing in the near future. The opening lines were fitting, and they set the tone for entire story. Respect. I'd be more indepth but i gotta run. peace

[YoungHusla]

very nice, very nice dawg
liked it a lot, KEEP DROPPING
rtf on mine dawg: A Thugs Soft Side

overall: Excellent Drop

[Deviate]

You can tell when no one reads it when they speak only to one person... haha

[Slowhands]

konstatine, and younghusla, your the reason this place is going nowhere with talent. People are reluctant to drop anything they spent time on because people like you come in and say 2 fuckin lines and show no sign of you actually reading the damn thing, your just getting two links so you can drop you own bullshit. Thanks for nothing.
Uppin for anyone who will read the entire thing

[YoungHusla]

MEANT TO PUT very nice drop dawgs

sry bout tht mistake, seriously

ok:

Deviate: Your verse was excellent, as I READ it I was learining new was of improving and shit

AMEND- Very good drop also, your living up to your custom title, and setting the example

sry fro the inconvience, ight
no beef ight
eace DAWGS..

[Slowhands]

you fuckin suck at life, and still said nothing in relevance of implying you read the damn thing. Up