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Thread: when i write....... (f/ Deviate, Na~Ledge, and Issue)

  1. #1
    Na~Ledge
    Guest

    when i write....... (f/ Deviate, Na~Ledge, and Issue)

    Deviate

    A whisper: "when i write........"

    Electrical signals spark across my neural pathways,
    Sizzling in turn as they travel through the maze.
    Words swerve through the terse universe,
    Finding air - They gasp - Expanding into a verse.
    Under the light I scribble - Formulate my rhyming riddles,
    Annunciating each syllable and testing new audibles.
    Excitement flows through the pen creating a link,
    My very blood and soul extends through the ink.
    The words that I release are my lease to life,
    They have no purpose except to illustrate the strife.
    My shadow moves across the paper as I etch my message,
    Convey my rhymes through my lines imbelished by knowledge.
    In this solitude I explain my crude attitudes,
    Shed light on corruption through my rhyme latitude.
    When you see my works you just see rhyming vocabulary,
    But what is there is my time, soul and mental complexity.
    As I sit writing alone in exile - I smile,
    Focus over my paper and realise I've defined my style.
    Because when I write rhymes I give my soul,
    Stand amongst the best until my time tolls...

    Na~Ledge

    A whisper: "when i write........"

    I let my pen's blood flow slow over ancient papyrus scrolls
    Open ones mind, hoping my lines bare a reflection of my soul
    Desend within my cerebral pools intent on excaviting a jewel
    Illuminating in originality, unconfused with the gold of fools
    Scribe eloquent verses to reverse an adored crafts crusification
    Resurrect an polluted art, provide purification through diction
    Depictations of non-fiction glisten within every passage framed
    As well as my homage to encompass the essence of my name
    Hip-Hop's presence manifest it's guidance over hands strokes
    Plus I invoke dopeness from poetic ghost before I drop a post
    Hopin to highten my skill to the identical status as ones will
    Fufill my rhythmic quest to evolve into the personification of ill
    Allow sub-conscience to converge with my intellectual wealth
    What emerges from that insurgence is the definition of self
    Which is food for thought for those mental under privileged
    So I play the part of humanitarian until my skills deminish
    Exibit my personal classics, to be critiqued by the masses
    Thus allowing my mental vastness to live on as time passes
    Unless my artistic mastery goes AWOL like deserting soldiers
    In which case the opposite end of the pencil............
    ............................................permit s me to start over


    Issue

    A whisper: "when i write........"

    When I write I try to imagine you reading this,
    I fight with my imagination in the height of inspiration, I need you to feel this.
    I want you to see my deepness and be blind to my weaknesses,
    I write for you to keep this in your mind, I take a paper and fill it out with rhymes,
    When I've finished the page there's still signs hidden deep between the lines,
    My paper is my saviour on the front lines, being beaten by a soldier with ink for a spine.
    A general with an idea on his shoulders and he's so desperate to hold it,
    He knows that if he loses it he'll confuse the whole style of it,
    So he never lets go of it, he moves word for word with the grace of a tsunami...
    Beautiful yet deep, with a face that could destroy an army, with a taste for harmony...
    He hardly stops for breath as he battles on the warfield of steel mind warfare,
    He feels afraid of no-mans land but he knows that he must walk there,
    He uses his black blood to talk where words have never been understood,
    He uses all his energy in the curse of the fight for good,
    He treats your satisfaction as his mission and your reaction as a position of fact...
    He relaxes in your ears and attacks your eyes, he relaspes in his career as a captain of the mind...
    He retires happily all the time you read these acts from me,
    He expresses chapters gleefully that you constantly hear from me,
    Yet he still feeds from me and needs me for sight... He only appears when I get the will to write.
    Last edited by Na~Ledge; April 7th, 2005 at 11:34 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Art... K9_THESHIT's Avatar
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    D O P E drop guys!this topic wasn't something new,but you've done a great job with it...

    Deviate
    firstly good choice with normal size of the letters!Na's and Issues's made me think about glasses and such...anyway...i really liked your first bar...it was such a good begining...you've layed down your own thoughts very good,and had good wordplay there.the rhymescheme was good,but it lacked in a few places and the flow suffered a bit from that;but the flow was good man...vocabulary was good and on point.

    Na

    Also good start with multis and good vocabulary.your imagery was done very good,you know i like good vocab,and really helped on it.you've had some vicious ideas there and they really stood out.the rhymescheme was good,the flow also good,but in a few places the choice of words slowed down a little the flow...other than that nothing to really complain...

    Issue

    your start was clever,but that over-streached second line should've been shorted...i've also had problems with over-streached lines in a few OMs,but now if a line comes over-streached i rewrite it or something.those lines slow down your flow man,and next time try to shorten them up.what else?good vocabulary and ideas and i liked how you've repeated "he" in those lines...really emphasized you thoughts and messege better.the rhymescheme could've been better in some places,but you'll catch up with that after you write a few more OMs.oh...forgot,your verse flowed good as i read it,minus a few,few parts...

    Overall dope guys...really,really liked it...
    if i wouldn't have written such a novel of an OM,i would've wanted to get in on this...maybe another time...
    Peace guys!
    Def Poets Society

  4. #4
    Art... K9_THESHIT's Avatar
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    issue i think it would be better if you cut you some of streached lines in two...the ones you have with commas at the middle...
    Def Poets Society

  5. #5
    deine mutter BeRLin`S BesT's Avatar
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    wtf naledge....why did u ask me to write something when u don't even wait for me to finish?....tz...whatever man
    Hit N Run

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  6. #6
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    There'll be another time Berlin man, Im sure he just didn't realise. Im up for a collab if you want it?

    Uppin this

  7. #7
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    Like a cum stained matress... Don't sleep on this.

  8. #8
    Po'Ethics
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    Quote Originally Posted by Issue
    Like a cum stained matress... Don't sleep on this.
    LOL... But yeah... Leave feedback please...

    Peace
    Po'Ethics Lives

  9. #9
    Na~Ledge
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    wake up..........bump

  10. #10
    deine mutter BeRLin`S BesT's Avatar
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    read this three times before but just now got over the little misunderstanding we had Na.....y'all did a really nice job...I liked how everyones verses flowed and how it showed that your heart is handcuffed to rap....u found very nice expressions to make this feeling felt...lol.....keep up the work fam
    Hit N Run

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  11. #11
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    Deviate: strong rhymes and great opening lines about the whole process of spitting. good vocab. good imagery and a good sense of rhythm. A good all round, nice little verse. Glad you're working with us.

    Na~Ledge: man the closer was fantastic, but this verse shone from start to finish with some killer concepts and great boasting lines. Vocab was solid, imaagery was crazy and flow was on point. Stellar stuff man.

    Issue: I liked the military take you had on the topic, points for creativity man. I think the opener was a great line in particular but i also think you should work on the sophistication of your rhymes generally and aim to equalise your bar lengths a little better. But you still came with a creative and readable verse. Good work man.


    Overall this was a good collab with a solid topic and blending of styles which kept me reading, keep posting fam, you're doing us proud. Uppin this^^

    H'n'R.

    SS League Record 31-8
    SS HW Champ
    14 x OM HoF



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  12. #12
    Banned GenoH's Avatar
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    nice drop man....all three of yall brought fire

  13. #13
    All Things Must Pass. Issue's Avatar
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    lmao, Johnny ur sig scares me!

    Uppin this!

  14. #14
    Po'Ethics
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    Up I suppose...
    Po'Ethics Lives

  15. #15
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Deviate did a great job, as always. Very thought provoking and filled with great imagery. Vocabulary was very fitting to the piece. Your tone was on track. I feel that your pieces always have great sense of tone. STructure was good too. I really liked the content of your piece. Great job.

    Other guy, I felt that you tried too hard. I could tell because I saw alot of grammar mistakes and words being used incorrectly. I also thought that even though some mistakes were made, that it was a pretty damn good piece. Your diction was strong, great word choice. Structure was dope. A bit of rambling at times but good job on this.

    Last guy, you were by far the weakest on here. Try elevating alot, work on structure, rhythm and vocabulary. Spelling too.
    murder murder

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