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Thread: Mentally Wealthy

  1. #1
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    Mentally Wealthy

    To start his day the man leaves his mansion
    which overlooks a waterfront expansion
    located within an excluded area
    kinda guy thats just unaware of ya
    so begins his routine morning stroll
    finding his favorite bench is his goal
    so he begins to walk further downtown
    as many people are still bustling around
    they look at him, all with heads down
    everyone commenting on his clothes
    he thinks, I'm wearin a suit, they don't know
    getting dirty looks from today's people
    in the old days wasn't seen as equal
    not much changed, similar to a sequel
    as long as he's got his opulence
    he won't have to worry about petty cents
    then he heads back to see his family
    he misses them, and his heart agrees
    he gets back and lays next to his mate
    thirty years, no way he could overrate
    but as a gentle wind blows by him
    you can see what he was really hidin
    the gust blows away the cardboard
    that was his house he could afford
    the supposed family was new everyday
    the picture on the front page was made
    into a desperate makeshift memory
    having no relatives, he at seventy
    all alone was living among debris
    fabricating a past so he could see
    some shred of light showing hope
    when everyday was a downhill slope
    his waterfront view was a stream
    running down the alley, he dreamed
    and placed his mind in rejection
    so that he at least would have direction
    but if you saw him what would you do
    tell him the truth, or make his dream come true

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Hellavated
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    well well well.. i dunno wat 2 say about that, it was more of a poem or a story instead of a rap u noe wat im sayin nigga? it was aight... flow was kinda choppy, i didnt like the rhymes that much... vocab was ok, not bad but im not feelin that 1 at all
    I.J.L Reppin
    Tatt And Blue Perhaps You Knew

  4. #4
    $RiChMoNeY$
    Guest

  5. #5
    Art... K9_THESHIT's Avatar
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    decent read...i liked the storyline and you've stayed on topic during the whole drop,but what buged me was that the rhymescheme was simplistic...i know the lines were short,but still you could've tried some internal rhyming there.it flowed good don't get me wrong,but i like more complex rhymeschemes.the vocabulary was normal,could've chosen some better(upper)words in some places.keep it up!

    if you have time,please return the fav:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=181482
    Peace man!
    Def Poets Society

  6. #6
    Na~Ledge
    Guest
    Have to agree with K9. It seemeda little simplistic to me also, but I don't think it was becasue of your talent as much as it was because of the rhyme scheme you choose. It really difficult to use more complex vocab in that short of a rhyme shceme and that in turn will effect ur abilty to show imagery and detail. Still it was well structured and a good topic, I can tell u were trying something new so I applaud u fot that I just prefer your old style better. But hey wtf do I know. Keep droppin ill man.

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Paragon's Avatar
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    great imagery, nice form. it seems more poetic than rappish. is rappish even a word? well, it is now. haha. anyway, i liked it. the rhymes were simple, and i am a big fan of internal rhymes, but for this topic and style, simple end rhymes fit. a few times it would sound a bit weak like "his mate" and "similar to a sequal" but you made up for it with "opulance" and "debris". the reason i say this is that many times in soft, simple end rhymes, the same rhymes are used everytime and it gets a bit predictable, but opulance is a rare word and debris doesn't look like it would rhyme with 'see' or 'seventy'. i'm just rambling on... lol. nice job.

    more feedback, haha:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=182819
    Last edited by Paragon; April 1st, 2005 at 01:04 PM Reason: forgot to leave link for feedback

  8. #8
    RJSGN
    Guest
    at the beginnin it sounds like a poem...but thats rap RYTHEM AND POETRY...the thing is any1 lyric will sound like a poem when it is about a perticular subject when bein read w/o the beats or w/o some1 rappin it....u gotta rap it and re read it and understand each line b4 it can be music...thats how i feel about this one...also it was long lol but at the end of the day when u write ur ideas seem endless....overall it was good....the story is easily told in the manner that it has a purpose....open mic is music i hate how niggaz bring their beefs here cause ppl wont critique it rite in front lines...KEEP IT UP...

  9. #9
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    uppin

  10. #10
    Newbie
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    cant c me

    u cant battle me

  11. #11
    Newbie
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    crazy carl cant c me

    u dont wanna battle

  12. #12
    Crakk
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    yeah diz was like sum poetry shyt....aint nothin wrong wit dat but it aint mah style...but shyt was str8 ocky...good drop....just up ya vocab sum too....EZ

  13. #13
    DeViLwAr
    Guest
    nice shit flowed nice but was sort of a poem to me mayb would've been a lil better if it was audio cause we would of heard a beat.. but nice anyways

  14. #14
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    it was aight right for some one from philly u did'ent have a philly flow it was sort of poetic but i got u because u from illadel. u just need to work on the structure so i can follow u in the story.

  15. #15
    Dune Methane CrazyCarl's Avatar
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    uppin, leave links

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