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Thread: Living Nightmare:

  1. #1
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    Living Nightmare:

    The lashing out, showed her she had to end it, but how?
    She was hit with doubts, wondering if he would hit her now
    Her swollen mouth, not from blows, but because of anticipation
    He'd been fueled with anger, and was drunk, just sitting there waiting
    His fist was shaking, maybe rage would cease at once
    And he looked at her smiling,menacing, because he hadnt seen her in months
    A restraining order and witness protection held him at bay briefly

    "How did you find me? I cant believe u had the nerve to beat me"

    A pause briefly, then the man spoke with intense passion

    "You know the sayin 'Shit Happens', but I am sorry for my actions
    Everyday I dreamt of the chance Id see you and apologize baby
    Is there any chance you can forgive my mistakes? not even a maybe?"


    The woman clutched her bag, weary of the surroundings now
    distraught that the man she once loved, had actually found her house

    "You beat me, betrayed my trust, Id given years of my life to you
    yet you treated me like shit, your drinking, gambling...what was I to do?"


    The man stood slowly, almost mocking her somber confessions

    "Bitch you'll either come home now, or you'll strongly regret it
    I didnt come all this way to be told no, just get the fuck in the car
    You are MY WIFE, I love you and truely know who you are"


    The woman reached in her bag, a small handgun was in her grasp

    She pulled out
    "One more step damnit and I swear I will shoot your ass"

    The man laughed
    " I made you, theres no way you'll live with out me
    They said I couldnt find you, now do you really want to doubt me?
    I put time and effort with you, worked very hard for years
    And you crossed my path when all I wanted to do was relax with a beer
    I gave you money..OOOOHHHH you bitches are all the same
    Gimme, gimme, FUCKING gimmie and you want a man who's trained
    I supported you and you gave me shit, now that stops here
    You'll learn to respect me damnit even if I have to instill fear
    You'll come home now and I dont want to hear shit else
    Your nagging is enough to drive a sane man right in to bad health
    I hit you before, I said sorry, what else do you want?"


    "I want you out of my life"
    "........WELL THAT JUST AINT GONNA HAPPEN YOU CUNT"

    The verbal dispute continued and the woman was seeing no end
    She pleeded for him to leave, but he wouldnt even give in
    She walked to the phone to dial the authorities for assistance
    He drew forward so she raised her weapon, aimed for his head and missed it
    He dropped to the floor stunned, never thinking she'd shoot at all
    He sat there for a brief moment, and then started to ball
    She'd never seen him cry, so she was shocked and amazed
    Because he'd just been lowered, like how she felt in past days
    She called the police still, and kept her gun in hand the whole time
    They took him away, cuffs and all, after all he'd committed a crime
    She had a sense of closure, but was confident it wasnt over
    A domestic dispute is her living nightmare and she'll keep looking over her shoulder

  2. #2

  3. #3
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    replies.

  4. #4
    2012
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    Awards LLL HOF
    This shit was dope...plain and simple. You told a great story through rythem, without it being choppy at all. This kinda had that Eminem/Kim feel. Esp...

    I hit you before, I said sorry, what else do you want?"

    "I want you out of my life"
    "........WELL THAT JUST AINT GONNA HAPPEN YOU CUNT"

    ...Dope shit man.
    You really think ur tough... come 'n try me man
    I’ll get a hiccup that isn’t spasms of the diaphragm

  5. #5
    I could follow it properly, till I got it was actually a rap, however, it is pretty good. Flows pretty well and is original in the keystyle format. Some nice lines in there and I especially like the...

    I hit you before, I said sorry, what else do you want?"

    "I want you out of my life"
    "........WELL THAT JUST AINT GONNA HAPPEN YOU CUNT"

    Overall its some pretty good shit and I wanna see more stuff from ya man, good shit.

  6. #6
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    i appreciate the feed fellas.

  7. #7
    Your multis fell off here and there..

    a typical good story..

    nothing over tha top..

    but not to shabby..

    the verse after "the man laughed" is where I think you fell off..

    i see potential though..keep doin your thing

    uppin for you man..
    VOLTAIC THA RESSURECTION

  8. #8
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    i wasnt goin for multis

  9. #9
    MXC
    Guest
    okaaaaaaaaay, hot drop baby

  10. #10
    your biological father Deon's Avatar
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    gaaaay

  11. #11
    You've Earned a Custom Title! silent j's Avatar
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    10-6
    that shit was dope forsure

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  12. #12
    Stickfigure
    Guest
    I thought that shit was pretty creative and would be interesting to see performed in real life. There is a definite talent for storytelling in there and I like the angle of using multiple characters to tell it. It seems so real and the ending:

    She had a sense of closure, but was confident it wasnt over
    A domestic dispute is her living nightmare and she'll keep looking over her shoulder

    is pretty much the way most people feel after a dispute like that. Nobody feels safe. Excellent job.

  13. #13
    Whiiteboy Daz's Avatar
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    This shit was dope.

    OM of the month

    Point Blank Period.
    Always Impervious an Axis Power.


    Supermod Me.

  14. #14
    Newbie kosho's Avatar
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    good shit
    Kosho


    "..people say that right before you die, your life flashes in front of your eyes...Make it worth watching.."



    "ONLY BITCHES TALK SHIT"
    -Lil Jon

    Look into the windows of my soul the eyes never lieThey blood shot red its ganja in my system Im high


    my price is range rover

    Grammy Night Damn right, we got dressed up..Bottle afta bottle till we got messed up




    -Sam Kosho

  15. #15
    Put your sunglasses on! Mr. Write's Avatar
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    this was a pretty good story...you really gave a lot of details and it seemed pretty realistic....the flow was nice...the only thing i wasnt feelin was that some of the lines were worded wierdly...but only on a few lines like these:

    "I supported you and you gave me shit, now that stops here
    You'll learn to respect me damnit even if I have to instill fear"

    "She called the police still, and kept her gun in hand the whole time
    They took him away, cuffs and all, after all he'd committed a crime"

    but overall i really liked this peice.


    plz hit the open mic in my sig

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