Noman

[Ike Ill.]

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.

[[H]allelujah]

Ok first of all this hit was so dope man....I really felt your lines a lot man!! Also, I like your words and vocabulary man!! Here is my breakdown.....

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
Really good I dunno if it was very good for an opener tho...but still nice!!
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I liked this too...but it seemed like you forced the rhyme here a lil bit!!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
Nothing to say but NICE man!!!
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I believe this was ur best line in here...dunno why but it flowed almost flawlessly!!
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Second line a lil stretched, but nice job again here!!
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
Liked this.....I felt this one and it was a good line man!!
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.
I almost like yo whole thing except this was kinda weak...sorry..but good overall!!

[Ike Ill.]

Word Thanks.

[Vikkie™]

I liked this....
emotion:good
honesty:good..this is actually how you really have felt
time in it:some I'd say about 20-40 minutes good for what you wrote
structure and everyting in between:good

8/10

[Ike Ill.]

If you leave like one line of feedback and a link, I will give you good feedback in return.

Though I would apreciate long feedback on this, thank you for your time.

[poyzonivey]

Your shit is bomb! and it exploded the way you dropped it. The rhyme scheme kicked ass also

Dark and cold was my seat... Lost & Forsaken were my plea's
I was a beast, banished by who've seen... Or lived around me.
My past was clean, why was I so keen to this final betrayal?
Living life was dismay's call, my soul: born to portray flaw!
I gave it my all, just couldnt stay tall... I was never fit
& as long as I remember bits, the thought: couldnt rid of it.
I was shit... Peers left me in this pit, driven by fear
So I'm here to sing myself to tears, & get my mind clear.
I was mere dissapointment, sheer suicidal at it's best
But how can thoughts go without vengaence to put it to rest?
Who could of guessed, knives were my ticket to a sweet death
Slowly rub it on my neck would long live a descreet breath.
I've no mess... Close my eyes as poison slips into my heated body
But though I have died as one, remember: NoMan has defeated me.


http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=171275
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?p=2104684

[Ike Ill.]

^ thank you for pointing that out lol... And THANKS for the links. I can finally get at something.

[Varentao]

I did find it hard to get into. But at the same time, i grasped the concept and how you tried to work it. Though ultimately the emotion seemed to wilt too often. Like a gas fire that keeps going out (or something).

Still, it had a good base to it. Not bad. Certainly something to build on.