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Thread: this is me

  1. February 28th, 2005, 03:22 AM #1
    djb
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    this is me

    warm palms grip a black pen opposite of his color skin
    blue eyes eye the ink sink into the papers white within
    my mind moves like hamsters running the thought wheel
    I reveal a real reality in writing, reel back to what I feel
    clock ticks while melancholy sounds drown inspiration
    anticipation of beautiful love makin’ clears and erases
    faced with facades of phony loves of conniving faces
    dark eyes devise despise, a deluded truth’s connotations
    wasted time breaks the same as the heart that paced
    it seemed I rushed and ran into a disgusted disgrace
    so now I pen my agony to help relive my internal pain
    remain shamed and contemplate strange brain waves
    my inside strain as I retain guilt and maintain depressed
    regress to the bounty of the beauty before me undressed
    my cataract clouded eyes once again see and is all clear
    fear clotted the path to my heart and love disappeared
    but through you I see a part of me and my future seed
    patients paved paths of opportunity now love pursues me
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  2. February 28th, 2005, 08:54 AM #2
    Crowd-Pleaser
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    damn this was pretty good yo, like those first 4 lines it was a good opener (seein as i am white too) never heard that before it was good i liked hit, u lost it a touch, in the lines after that but then u got it back up which was good, good to show ur feelings and ur emotions about this and how u love this, good job
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  3. February 28th, 2005, 09:29 AM #3
    Lady Femicist
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    ThIS WAS TIGHT i LYKED THE FLOW AND THE TRANSITION INTO each line...I als lyked your multis and metas---Do more lyke this mayne
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  4. February 28th, 2005, 09:43 AM #4
    Lady Redd
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    That was tite.....
    I Really liked tha flow.......
    Keep it up....1
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  5. February 28th, 2005, 11:03 AM #5
    warchild
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    I thought this was a decent verse it could of been better though.
    You started off really well the first 2 lines werr great but after that there wasnt another couplet that really grabbed my attention.
    It was a deep short story rhyme so i can appreciate it for that.
    The structure and vocab were fine but try to work on your flow so that it doesnt get repetitive.

    Return the favour.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=174166
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  6. February 28th, 2005, 11:25 AM #6
    Johnny 6-feet
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    this looks like a bit of a style switch for you, djb, good vocab and fewer multi's than i'm used to seeing. you created some good imagery as well and it kept me reading til the end. good to see hit n run representing in open mic still.

    post on, post on. if you wanna collab sometime pm me.

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  7. March 1st, 2005, 02:10 AM #7
    djb
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    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...99#post2125099
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...33#post2125133
    Last edited by djb; March 1st, 2005 at 02:23 AM
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  8. March 2nd, 2005, 06:03 AM #8
    djb
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    yeah i little style switch i guess. upping again
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  9. March 2nd, 2005, 07:00 PM #9
    djb
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    bump
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  10. March 2nd, 2005, 07:02 PM #10
    noncentz
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    strips naked and runs to djb....oooooh baby you use the perfect words...im yours take me you big cocasion albino mandigo.


    wakes up next post and feels cheap.
    to love something,is to die for it ,if you do, your a martyr , but these days music is morbid, false carters ..prohet's for prophet no lie, look how our last martyr was crucified. to put it in it symplicity, you aint true...you wouldnt sacrifice a few dollars for authenticity..
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  11. March 3rd, 2005, 01:01 AM #11
    djb
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    lol wp you make me giggle like a little school girl. thanks homie up
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  12. March 3rd, 2005, 01:54 AM #12
    Wreklus
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    shit son that wuz sick i like the opening
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  13. March 3rd, 2005, 08:44 AM #13
    KŠLĄ
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    I liked the open'n, you had a few strong points, mulities were there,
    you came consistent, with ya text, I liked the concept, stood on topic.

    give F/B: return the fav.
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...76#post2124776
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...46#post2124246
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