***Evolution*** A real piece of poetry.

[Keys aka Vital]

"Evolution"

Ayo
Whales submerged in oil-filtered turf swim laps around the Earth as rotation reserves.
Chemical energy converged converted in a cube of liquid CO2 begins to emerge.
Modern man's work preserved
Forensics purge the learned in a frenzy of 20 questions worthy of Einstein's words.
Court proceedings begin
As lab traps capture the battlerap that simmers from my bleeding lips
Naturalists describe my evolution as dim
While MCing began, I was already working on microhips
Bionic rays surmount to no ordeals
Real robotics and bio-structures attacked by the heels
And those whales submerged in black mass and ruptured sea grass
See past our problems with half the nuclear weapon crash
Cocroaches scramble past as Elephants stampede
Homosapiens breathe the death of asphestos siege...
Find the humor of evolution indeed...
Hippocampus spread like soft butter covering trees.
I collect the thalamus for the beat.
Writing b-boys lyrics examining the reefs.
In a large glass of preserver, Dilluted within the tube...
And the canadian man next to me just broke loose...
The evolute.

[Genetic Carnage]

Shit was off the hook. Well structured and great flow. The wording was awesome and it got a clear message across. 10/10 material man, keep droppin.

[Deviate]

Ok really nice flow and it's clearly something new and it is good... It's nice to see complex vocabulary being incorporated into raps like this and OMs that avoid the 'gangsta' shit... I was lost about what's happening in this but I understand now after reading it over once or twice more... Nice work

You need 2 links btw before this thread gets locked... You can post feedback on "The Truth?" of mine if you want.. Link's in my sig...

Peace

[bigdumbelephant]

nice lyrics. I dont know about the "real poem" shit your talking. but definitely "nice" lyrics.

[Awaken]

^^idiot.

Anyways...this was truly a good piece. The first few lines didn't go with the rest of this piece so that made the story kind of flaw from the start, but after I kept reading, everything seem to go good. This topic is played just alittle bit, I've seen it done before, but this is by far, the best attempt at it. Your vocab was excellent, It actually went with what you were trying to say, not like most piece were ranomd big words are thrown together for structure. Speaking of structure, eh, a little off, dont really feel your structure. Your flow was prolly the best part about this piece, TONS of multies were thrown in for good measures. The rhyme scheem could've been upped a little considering it was only one syllable for one word throughout the lines. But other than those little flaws, this was a decent piece, hope to see more from you.

[Mistral]

You need to leave 2 links to 2 open mics that you left decent feedback on or this gets closed, Thanks.

[Keys aka Vital]

okay, hold up...thnks for the criticism...

[bigdumbelephant]

^^idiot.

Riiiiiight . . . you DO realize that your breakdown reflected lyrics. Rap lyrics. Emphasis on multies and flow, as opposed to content and clarity. Like I said.

Dont question your elders, cockhound.

[Keys aka Vital]

"explain to me what is poetry and what is rap/I'll explain how to effectively bridge the gap..."
-Canibus

I also compose POETRY.

first link:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=168919

Sorry, I'm an old head, don't know the new rules...

2nd link:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=166691

[Tim]

this was a nice open mic you had like some of the things you brought out in this piece the way you grab the reader by some of the things you say in this you had a couple of quotables in this piece only thing i would say to work on would be stucture but the is a poem so anything goes stay up

[Keys aka Vital]

Thanks man, you keep the dynasty up...but don't plan on beating SF.

[bigdumbelephant]

dont take me offensively keys. This is the first post I've seen by you, so for all I know you use many other styles and approaches (I hope so). This particular piece seems more centered around the rap approach, is all I'm saying, and I found your braggadocious title a little bit misleading. Still a good read.