Carbon Copy

[sNoopfox]

Carbon Copy

These four walls enclose me
I see them so clearly
My image smothered on their surface
Project me midpoint
I am the carbon copy…

Each wall dictates.
Intricate colors in motion
Creating form replaces void
I’m the compound that’s lonesome
These walls have a plan
Collectively carving my fate
Life is a head of me
It leaves a trail bate
Sat etched nestled in metal
Adhering to its system
The rollercoaster ride
Motions a Fluctuating rhythm
What teases pleases
The Dark side of me needs this
Eyes converge to the walls
Blind to the face of Jesus
Bread to run but to lose
Us greyhounds race
Principalities unleash the rabbit
The walls appoint our pace
I have a light inside
Un-located key
Burning shady, repressed locked room
It needs to take over me
Content wedged in this system
I suffocate in need of air
Clasping onto every breath
Fake Braced smiles front true affairs
But who cares?
I’m Crying I’m Dieing
The walls entertain my laugh
This smile keeps me lying

This happy-clappy system
It has us ALL deceived…
…Persist to let them pioneer your life
Live forever. Silently. And grieve.

[Jai-Cee]

sNoop... Firstly... This is probably the best I've seen you do...

This is why...

The flow for the poem was on point, was a very easy and appealing read. The rhyme scheme you used was fluid, and it also included some rhyming couplets that I found very nice...

The meaning behind the peice was pessimistic but in a beautiful way.

I’m Crying I’m Dieing
The walls entertain my laugh
This smile keeps me lying

I was impressed with this line, as it summed up an entire set of emotions in a very simple, but very vivid way...

Imagery was also good, with some adjectives that were well thought of, and also some metaphors that emphasised the sentimental elements of this poem...

Personally, this is one of the best I've seen from you, incorporating structure, sentiment, rhyme scheme and imagery...

Mucho Props...

Peace...

[sNoopfox]

cheers m8y. As you say with practice you can only getter better...just trying out new structures and remembering rep from previous poems and improving on it.
Cheers for the positive feedback, I appreciate it.

Uppin 4 more ^

sNoopfox

[spokenoh]

I have you seen you drop loads of poems in Poetic Scriptures, for one you are only supposed to have like two open a day, I think. Besides that.

This was nice. Meter wasn't bad at all, and you have a really intelligent way of conveying your message. Very metaphoric and you never fell off your theme. Props for that, keep writing this actively and you will become more mature in your writing. Just try to avoid repetitive concepts and always bring emotion and imagery to it's potential. Peace.

[sNoopfox]

Thanks for the feedback. I'll try limit my threads
Uppin for more ^

sNoopfox

[DALC]

Ok
could use a little more vocab and imagery
But your an okay writer.

[sNoopfox]

Why thanks, useful rep there maybe I could apply it to my next piece.

Upping^ ^

[spokenoh]

Don't listen to DALC. Your choice of words were fine.

[Swift Death]

yeah i thought this was a great poem. The imagery was good everyithing went together well, very poetic and pulled off very nicely.

a nice thought i commonly used but you came at it at a very intersting angel. The message that the poem portrays is probably the best part about it. Great peice keep up the good work

[sNoopfox]

Thanks. It means alot to me hearing positive feedback from such good writers.
Thanks again.

sNoopfox

[sNoopfox]

uppin for a last time^....

[MythDirection]

A6 These four walls enclose me
A6 I see them so clearly
B8 My image smothered on their surface
C5 Project me midpoint
A7 I am the carbon copy…

D4 Each wall dictates.
E8 Intricate colors in motion
F7 Creating form replaces void
E7 I’m the compound that’s lonesome
G5 These walls have a plan
H8 Collectively carving my fate
A6 Life is a head of me
H5 It leaves a trail bate
I7 Sat etched nestled in metal
J7 Adhering to its system
K6 The rollercoaster ride
J9 Motions a Fluctuating rhythm
L5 What teases pleases
L7 The Dark side of me needs this
M6 Eyes converge to the walls
L7 Blind to the face of Jesus
N6 Bread to run but to lose
O4 Us greyhounds race
P10 Principalities unleash the rabbit
O6 The walls appoint our pace
K6 I have a light inside
A5 Un-located key
Q8 Burning shady, repressed locked room
A7 It needs to take over me
J7 Content wedged in this system
R8 I suffocate in need of air
S7-8 Clasping onto every breath
R7 Fake Braced smiles front true affairs
R3 But who cares?
T6 I’m Crying I’m Dieing
U7 The walls entertain my laugh
T6 This smile keeps me lying

J7 This happy-clappy system
V6 It has us ALL deceived…
W10 …Persist to let them pioneer your life
V9 Live forever. Silently. And grieve.

i marked the rhymes as i saw them on the left in bold along with the syllables
the average syllables per line were 6.7 and although you seemed to not really care about the type of meter you were doing
naturally it came out iambic

iambic sestameter with numerous outriding syllables and no conceivable rhyme structure it

in the end i would just call it freeverse

the repetition of the word system was really only thing i gathered you could sit and argue for days as to all the other metaphors involved because this poem is almost weighed down by imagery

i suggest cutting to the chase more often
but, overall you seemed to want to say something important

[sNoopfox]

Hmm.
I think sometimes rules and regulations (education) often implements a system thats rigid and static with rules. What is right and wrong.
My poetry is art. Is has no boundaries. It's me. It's an expression of whatever I want to it to mean or be.
And just like art, there is no typical image to conform to. Art can't be defined.
I think you should loosen up abit with your prior constraints and see peoples work for how they see it...OR even so, whatever you might get from it.
Forget about what poetry is 'supposed' to be.
I asked for your feedback, and I appreciate your time and effort...
But taking me back to school and underlining my work with a red pen is pretty damn insulting.

sNoopfox

[MythDirection]

*is confused*

you asked for that
i could give you the standard back patting i have seen around this site or i could tell you the truth

you are being silly if you think that rules are static and rigid
quite the contrary
a poet like robert frost cannot make such eloquent remarks about god without those rules
neither can shakespeare, keats, hopkins, plath, and

*breathes*

face it, to this day poets still use sonnets with form to accentuate their abilities

how difficult is it for someone to ramble on for 41 lines with no sense of meter, grammar, sound, form or direction

albeit it is likely YOU think there was a purpose for these words, but your job as a poet is not just to satisfy yourself. it is to convey a message to the reader

if you want to ramble off some artsy adjectives for yourself you will never enjoy the rush of putting together something absolutely brilliant
all the power to you if that is not something you want
but, i have a sneaking feeling that you would indeed like recognition

if that is the case you need to grip reality and LEARN to write a poem
you demean an entire profession with your comments

if you were a breakdancer or a ballet dancer you would just naturally do certain movements not because they are prescribed by 'rules' but, because they come naturally from the art you practiced

now artisticly speaking i did not even analyze this too much because it is freeverse and i wanted to prove that to you so you can appreciate how little i can say about it

and since it is free or blank verse it is difficult to say anything, much the same way that if i was watching a modern dancer flailing about i could only try to have some inner conclusions about their dance
^^BUT, even then almost all modern art dancers still use noticeable dance moves, they STILL follow your misappropriately dubbed 'rules'

btw, next time you ask for some real ENGLISH MAJOR response, do not expect me to be forthcoming

[Foreshadow]

I thought this was a good piece and your elevating before my eyes and thats good to see. I thought this was an outstanding piece and you did a nice job with everything in it. keep it up.