Life Isn't Fair

[Young BoE]

Knife clenched up in her right hand
With her left, removing her wrist band
All thats going through her mind,
Is that her daddy murdered one of their own kind
He always blamed her for driving him insane
So he would now have to feel a pinch of pain
Until one day he herd a dreadful screach
He ran to the gis daughters room smelling bleach
She had sliced her wrist and poored bleach in it
Her dad yelled at the top of his smokey lungs
Headin out the door grabbing one of his many guns
He threw it to his head and said a short pray'r
Squeezed the trigger with a jerk, Last thinking, "life isn't fair"

Kind of short. But i thought i would express it. Give me a few seconds to get my links.

[Bloom.Quist]

No Links needed.

[sNoopfox]

I like it man...different structure, it kinda tells a storyand flows well. U also enforced the whole poem behind the punchin title...
good drop.

[Young BoE]

I am new at writting poetry but i figured i would try it out. Pretty good for my first drop i guess

[Siberian]

its aight, maybe u could make it deeper, seems more of an open mic cause of the storyline. like the last two lines a bit though.

[Novacain]

I don't know about this man, you have definitely got better and the rhyme scheme is good...
...But i think the imagery lacked and i couldnt grasp the content so easily, you should just let it flow.
I agree with siberian, I like the last two lines.

Keep elevatin mine, you're doin good.

Uppin this for Boe

[Novacain]

I don't know about this man, you have definitely got better and the rhyme scheme is good...
...But i think the imagery lacked and i couldnt grasp the content so easily, you should just let it flow.

I agree with siberian, I like the last two lines the best, but I liked the smokey lungs/many guns line.

Keep elevatin man, you're doin good.

Uppin this for Boe

BTW, i tried to edit my last posts and did this shit by mistake, My bad

[Young BoE]

Thank you novacain. Oe of my inpirations was you so thanks a lot man.

[Varentao]

It did seem quickly written. At times too rash for the writer to really get anything from it. Sometimes writers do a piece fairly quickly, but are afraid to read through it a couple of times. Cos they know it'll probably fall apart if they did (like ammendments need to be made, building upon it, or scrapping it altogether). But even a skim when saying it out loud would help. Don't need to go all 'architect-designer' on it.

[Foreshadow]

It was a decent piece you had some good detail qualitys in this piece. I wish it were longer and I wished that you would have gone a little further indepth with it but nice job keep elevating.