Illest poem by a 15 year old

[YoungTuan]

you thought you knew but you wasn't knowin' a thing/
life comes in chapters just like the lord of the rings/
you see there was a little kid who needed some love/
he didn't get none from his mom so he hung with the thugs/
but they told him go do something kid/
his mom using needles like an acupuncturist/
his mom 31 so she's not that old/
he mad cuz his father left both of them cold/
sasha was the name of his mom/
back in the day sasha had it goin' on/
Marcus was the name of the seed/
the number of years that Rick has been gone is about fifteen/
Sasha had Marcus when she was sixteen/
So as Marcus was born Rick disappered off the scene/
he took all of his stuff and moved up outta the crib/
cuz Rick didn't want nuthin' to do with the kid/
Rick never bothered to take a test/
He didn't even care he just up and left/
Marcus never bothered/
he wasn't mad cuz he grew up without a father/
Sasha was mad/
cuz Rick didn't want to be Marcus's dad/
Sasha said forget it and tryed to smoke away her pain/
But the crack and cocaine was just numbin' up her brain/
Marcus didn't care he was out sellin' weed/
he was on the block stackin' up on his cheese/
Rick was walkin' round like he was off the rip/
till he got killed by fifteen from the clip/
his eyes closed when he got clapped by the gun/
before he died they opened and he saw it was his son/
when Sasha found out Rick had got shot/
she laughed cuz she was gone off the needle and rock/
and Marcus never cried/
cuz ever since his father left all he did was wish he died/

[M16]

it was cool but more like a story

[Neruda II]

Your starting lines were horrible. "Lord of the rings"-pure bullshit. Your lines are much too stretched out and your syllable count makes the flow off. It's generic, too generic, I've read that same story about 30 times, the same bullshit "My mom is a crackhead, my father left, oh what can I ever do? I know join some thug ass crew" it's always the same. Please, be more creative. I just turned sixteen, I've written better poems than this when I was twelve. There is no need for " blha blah blah blah/" there is no need for that slash at the end of your lines. We're not stupid, we know when a line ends. That was not even close to a good poem. I know it's probably how you really feel, and it's good to let out your feelings but please, don't be so generic. And don't think that I'm some white boy who "don't understand how it is in the hood" because I'm not, I'm 16, latino, lived in Los Angeles the majority of my life, my dad is a fuckin' drunk and got deported for some assaulting a police officer three years ago. I know what the poem is, and I can understand it but please, to call this poem crap would be giving it too much credit.

[YoungTuan]

good lookin' out y'all

[Mesmerize]

damn sharpy dont be so harsh, lol....but i do agree with the majority of his feedback. I can see you were trying to portray your feelings but the poem was very simplistic and seemed to only concentrate on rhyming. You need to use stronger imagery and find ways to portray these feelings to where the reader can connect (be creative and use metaphores/symbolism) Find words that are stronger than simplistic ones such as "pain" to help the reader get a better feel of exactly what you mean. So many words are so blatant and even though they made describe how you are feeling, do they describe the extent? Work on keeping your syllable count the same or close to it. This will help your flow. Use multis and rhyming transitions to make it flow even smoother. You have potential man, keep dropping, I wanna see you take some of this advice next time.

peace,
Mez

[Bloom.Quist]

Agreed. Try to elevate if u really like poetry..

[YoungTuan]

it's only my first poem though

[Bloom.Quist]

Its good for a first. If you liek writing and want to continue, read other pieces, see what's good about them, and try to make ure verses better off reader better pieces.

[YoungTuan]

thanks for the tip bloomquist...i appreciate it a lot

[~ca$tro~]

not that bad

[Gollum]

Nice job, you did a good on getting your point across and I think that there is a good meaning behind this.

[YoungTuan]

thanks for the feedback

[Southern Finest]

Yo this wasnt that bad for your first. Keep it up and g'luck

[YoungTuan]

good lookin' out fam

[Chronic Cancer]

i wouldnt say it was the best, but it was ok for a newbe, LOL..... keep postin and getting better