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Thread: In Between The Glaze

  1. #1
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    In Between The Glaze

    I think that this is real good, one of the best things I've ever written, so let me know what you think please.






    In Between The Glaze

    - It has just passed midnight on midsummer’s day. Phyllis is out of bed; restless for now, but still very content, looking upon the stars and thinking of her many sweet memories.

    A bat saunters past the double-glazing,
    Soaring gently in the moonlit skies.
    Phyllis finds nights as close as these amazing,
    The air outside is still and dry.
    It will be a while before she shuts her eyes;
    The night is too sweet to waste.
    So lamping under a sunless horizon,
    Flies a fathomless imagination into space.

    First ‘Lis thinks of her mother and brothers,
    And older sisters who have passed.
    Her sunshine is her memories;
    Her husband’s shadow now is of one surpassed.
    He was a man not to be crossed;
    An ungentle giant figure, of epic proportions.
    He would sometimes get like;
    Life was an after-affect, of loveless contortions.

    Next she thinks of the future;
    A life for her grandchildren and future ancestors.
    In a time beyond chalky blackboards,
    And the taboo of outlawed hand gestures
    She foresees them scouring the planet;
    Viewing waltzes and exotic fandangos.
    Rose-tinted cataracts see no more granite;
    In lands where men grow mangoes.

    She sees all these things in a glimpse,
    Through no portal, a simple window pane.
    No visionary, but she looks ahead through the frame,
    Bent over her trusty cane.
    And all the same she grips that stick even tighter,
    Weight resting on wooden age.
    Taste in her mouth of sour onion and sage,
    Her frame the embodiment of a cage.


    - Phyllis returned to bed in the subdued mood of preoccupation. She was found by the postman the following morning, and pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.





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    Last edited by Dan Dare; December 25th, 2004 at 03:46 PM
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  2. #2
    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    errr..why would the postman find her..and why would he be in her house in the first place?

    Decent piece...it sometimes seemed like you crammed too many words into a few lines which disrupted your syllable count...but it wasn't too bad...I didn't like some of your rhyming (fandangos/mangoes)...maybe I'm jus not used to your style....otherwise this was a solid piece...imagry was well done as was emotion...Keep droppin man

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=159971
    A few achievements here and there

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  3. #3
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    fandango = a type of spanish dance, if that helps.

    I know what you mean about the meter, it fell off at times, there were definately lines where I need a few less syllables. I think I definitely need to work on that some, I just didn't know how to cut that down.

    *clicks your link*
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    You've Earned a Custom Title! Ever Dream's Avatar
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    hun, i liked this one a lot. The imagery was wonderful, like i was just sitting and watching a movie. I also like how you don't realize that its her life flashing before her eyes untill the very end. TYou have told a wonderful story here. And at that you did a wonderful job writing it. You are right in one aspect... on the level of writing from different points of view, this is one of your very best. Great job.

    ..........fav part..........

    - Phyllis returned to bed in the subdued mood of preoccupation. She was found by the postman the following morning, and pronounced dead at the scene by paramedics.

    keep droppin



    ....bless


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    Quote Originally Posted by Lyric
    errr..why would the postman find her..and why would he be in her house in the first place?
    Oh yeah - about the postman. You probably know by now, that I'm British. Over here we don't tend to have mailboxes like you guys do, this postman always had to come to the door to post his letters, so he found her dead eventually because she never came to the door. She had a routine of always coming to the door and meeting the postman when he arrives, and he became worried that particular morning when she broke that routine. Just use your imagination, it's not that difficult. Hope that helps.

    Thank you both of you.
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    Twin Cities 651 Laureate's Avatar
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    Word...damn British customs lol....thanks for explaining Jekyll
    A few achievements here and there

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  7. #7
    Only meant it if it hurt
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    powerful imagery and the like. you know I'm not one to glaze over a reply but it was little dense for me to grasp at the moment. I'll edit a better response when I have my wits about me.
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    Your face looks really nice today

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    Dubois? Witless? Surely not....

    up.

    I will reply to everyone that leaves decent feed.
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    and up again. leave links for me.
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    ^^^
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    -First Lady of RB- DaGyrlRemarqabL's Avatar
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    Sup Jek, I thought this was a good piece, great original content...unlike anything i've read before...It was really rather touching, picturing this poor lady staring out the window with all of these thoughts running through her head...The last line really sold me though..

    "her frame the embodiment of a cage"

    Perfect ending...Nice job..

    Oh yeah, I got your PM, I do remember you, and thanks for the offer, if I become active again I will definitely consider it.
    P U R E


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    RemarqabL

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    hey babe ,
    this was good and i liked the stroy behind it, it was quite original. You did a nice job setting the mood for it, and it was sad when you see that she ends up dying, so that means you did a good job putting emotion in it. Keep up the good work


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    OM Hall Of Fame Bia!
    PS Hall Of Fame As Well Bitches!



  13. #13
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    73 views and only five people replied?

    erm... up... Gege I replied to your's already.
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  14. #14
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    some stretched lines...

    nice imagery...

    good story...

    ill drop more detailed later
    Bittersweet

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    Yeah. I could actually edit so that every line is a half the size, might be better. I was going for something like hexameter, but it fell apart at times, so that's why the bars were so padded.
    Last edited by Dan Dare; February 25th, 2005 at 07:48 PM
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