A Faceless Statistic.. READ AND LEAVE FEED.

[Cizor]

..A Faceless Statistic..
Seems like it was only yesterday, these memories never existed..
My minds blistered from negative energies that left me twisted..
Patiently whispered to the priest, please lets make this quick..
Tears rolling down my cheeks, my anxiety makes me sick..
I’m tired but this is life, Id like to welcome you to my story..
Take a seat before me, listen to thunder while rains pouring..
I’m crawling, on hands and knees, just understand my deeds..
Soon as daddy planted the seeds, I was born a bad disease..
Not the way to handle it please, unwanted my parents left me..
In a homeless house for orphans, its haunting presence wrecked me..
I remember December 25th, was another day simply..
The house was so damn poor, Santa must a missed our chimney..
It hurt within me, so I escaped and became a street cat..
Emotions were trapped in sorrow, crying for days as I collapse..
Perhaps I wasn’t meant for this world, so un-attached..
I tried so hard to be kind, but never received the feeling back..
I was trapped on these cold streets, betrayed by men with a weapon..
Became another statistic, raped and killed by the age of seven..
Never knew about heaven, my innocents left me hopeless..
Staring out from an open casket, till its closed remaining soulless..
[Remaining soulless]
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
Joseph Stalin (1879 – 1953)

Dedicated to the thousands of nameless victims that die every day from the cold, corrupt nature of today’s society..

[Interpersonal]

i liked this piece...the topic was nice, the flow was ill the structure was tight...i really liked the quote you put in the end...overall an 8/10...keep elevating duke...one

[Cizor]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...09#post1868309
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...14#post1868314

Oh and thanks bro.. This was a keystyle for a topical battle I am doing for a tournie on another site. Should be decent enough to get me through to the next round..

[Cizor]

Uppin for more feedback.......

[Evil_Joey]

very good piece.. good emotion... ok wordplay.. u should be good to the next round!

not a whole lot i can say as far as what to do better.. its realy kinda hard to put a whole lot of complexity into a topic and still get decent content.. so for what you were aiming for i think it works very well...

[Cizor]

My bad, I should have said the topic. It was "Soulless" .. The name of this OM was just a title I put above my verse.

Thanks for the feedback also.

[Omniscient]

yo nice piece it seems like this is your style i like da structure of it and i like how u used your words...good vocab...keep it comin bro

DaYoungsta boy!!!!

[Ill Game]

nice spit dawg i liked how deep it was and the pic's it out in my head i was feeling the flow my fav bar was
I remember December 25th, was another day simply..
The house was so damn poor, Santa must a missed our chimney..
that was sick but sad if it was true any ways holla back

[Mantra]

not bad man, i've seen and heard better from you
but meh it was a keystyle. You did have everything
pretty much working for you though..good emotion
and decent imagery, as well coming mechanically sound
My only criticism would have to be the way you chose
to approach the topic. The angle has been done to death,
you did do a nice job of creating a somewhat fresh perspective
but i'd have rather seen you be a little more creative.
Regardless, props and good luck on making it to the next round

-peace

[Johnny C.]

hey good job, man. the only thing i'd say to make it better would be some miltis, but hey: showing emotion is better than that! keep it up.

[Cizor]

hands and knees
understand my deeds
planted the seeds
bad disease

Theres also a decent amount of compound syllable rhymes, internals and assonance used. It was only a keystyle though, I could have done better.

[djb]

yeah the rhyme scheme was fine for me. you had good multi's and very nice imagery. i thought it was all there. it seemed rushed though. like you just wanted to post something really quickly. the story was too sudden you didn't give enough time for the event to make as good of an impact as they could have. still a good read. i liked it and i like the quote at the end........nice touch

please return the favor and drop some feed on my open mic
my open mic: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=157951