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Thread: Nightmare- Macabre & DeMiurgiC IJL Collab.

  1. #1
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    Nightmare- Macabre & DeMiurgiC IJL Collab.

    SS: Lifecycle
    ..We Love Them Babies

    This never-ending nightmare consumes my soul...
    ..Bending my will..spinning my mind..leaving it full of holes..
    I can't decipher it..when I cypher spit it influences my words..
    ..Draining my strength, until I feel like a battered nerd.
    I can't stand it..barren streets..homeless claiming defeat..
    ..young kids who cheat at cards n'tote guns to spray at your feet.
    The deceit is rampant..yet nobody tries to stamp it..
    ..money is on a pedestal, and only the rich can clamp it.
    Everything is surreal..garbage blows in the wind, dirtying your shirt..
    ..'n nobody feels, for the women who got throw out into the dirt..
    This nightmare is terrible..I feel it killing me inside..
    ..white kids pretending to be black, bumping Dead Prez in their rides..
    I still study though..trying to amount to something in the future..
    ..unlike the millions of crooks, straight waiting to shoot ya.
    So quickly..everything someone's earned can be flushed..
    ..'n just by killing a cat, your life can turn lush..
    Cops will bust you..for next to nothing..they think it's funny..
    ..to beat you to the ground, handcuff ya, 'n swipe your money.
    They're supposed to be the law..but whatever, nobody saw, right?
    ..just like nobody who's well off sees the poor people's plight.
    I'm happy it ain't like this, just a nightmare, 'n I can trust man.
    ..I'm happy the world ain't like this..oh wait..damn..
    My nightmare is reality..the world is harsh and creates tearshed..
    ..I guess i'll go back to sleep, 'n life the ideal world in my head.


    Why close my eyes when I know what I'll see...
    Lives frozen in time... oracles of destiny...
    Foresight of a fortnight some call it a gift...
    nights wind, a cool draft, my mind left adrift...
    Visions come frequently freakin me out from the scenes..
    Truths to be seen the soothsayers personal tiding..
    Yet joyous they never are, they show suffering and pain..
    come true through and through with messages still arcane...
    I never can stop the fateful ends that i witness...
    my mind tracends dimesions as i wonder what is this...
    I see what is to be honestly...its no con...
    Futures presented show how those i know past on...
    Could you keep your composure, shoot the breeze with a friend..
    Knowing his lifes over and you were first to meet his end?...
    you savor his mirage while eyes are still able to gaze..
    visions cut and pasted, a collage with more twists than a maze..
    I can't do it, i break down in tears amongst my peers...
    I tell them my worries in a hurry as they try to subdue my fears..
    I can escape! Drill a hole directly into my brain..
    another entrance left for the thoughts my actions in vain.....
    The lords name I'll take the same for the curse upon my name..
    So the day the train destroyed my frame..no need to explain...

    I ended my nightmare..

    1st-Macabre
    2nd-DeMiurgiC

    Since this was one of my first OMs, I would appreciate some feedback. Pz.
    Last edited by >Inertia>; July 1st, 2004 at 01:56 PM

  2. #2
    Mister. Andrew..'s Avatar
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    Macabre- Very Nice as one of your first. Flowed well. The vocabulary was a little average something you can work on. Some places your verse was very imagery and emotional. You put some nice multis in some places in your verse. Keep dropping your a good writer.

    DeMiurgiC- Ok verse. Structure was a little off. So the flow was thrown off a couple of times. More emotion then imagery I think. But there was a little imagery. Above average use of vocabulary. Keep dropping

    -Wise
    Back.

  3. #3
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    Uppin for more critique. Drop a link and I will return the favour.

  4. #4
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    This was ok from both. Nice flow from both, but a little better from mac. The emotion, I felt, was a little better in D's verse. I really liked the last line of Mac's verse. I kindda felt like that should have been played off of more. I also Like how Mac slept to get away, and D woke up to get away. The contrast is nice. This was a decent piece, fellas.

    My Open Mic: http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=134164&page=1

    -W1
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    axis powers

  5. #5
    I'm Only Here 4 ME Fuck U TheUnderRated's Avatar
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    uppin for feeed. TY................................
    INSANE JOKA LYRICIST

  6. #6
    . Illus''s Avatar
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    Macabre:
    Nice structure , nice flow. Ok imagery and you did stay well with topic however I wasn't really feeling the concept. Overall nice verse ok vocabulary . More Vocab could have increased the enjoyment of your piece. Nice scripts though.

    DeMiurgiC:
    Nice verse..well written thought out lines. Nice vocabulary not too much not too little.
    good flow and the most thing I like was your concept. Just remember imagery and emotion is important.



    Overall nice collab IJL

    peace

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