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Thread: ...On A Naked Tree [ft.Langston Hughes]

  1. #1
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    ...On A Naked Tree [ft.Langston Hughes]

    ...On A Naked Tree w/Langston Hughes
    For our forgotten past
    :
    :
    :

    It’s Early mourning ecstacy as love lies next to me.
    I invests in these times that help to ease minds...
    See, last night love made me melt in three lines;
    That breathless haiku, had brought light through
    The shades of a hopeless life, bruised.. by hatred.
    Love will help me to make it trough the frustration
    So I can lay here with passion blazed in my head,
    But there’s work to do, so love raised from my bed
    & before leaving, love gave a kiss to ease the sins
    And then; love is what I never saw breath again...

    Way Down South in Dixie
    (break the heart of me)
    They hung my black young lover
    To a cross roads tree.

    I lay here thinking about love & when it will be back
    And I can clearly see that love has got me trapped
    But I don’t want to escape this sea that... has me..
    Bound, but happy...Laughing at sounds of classy,
    And slow love making that is ssoooo above faking.
    “Sincere in every way”; I think, as the day stream,
    I’ve been laying here hours; as lazy as it may seem
    When the phone wakes me from my daydreams...
    I picked up the receiver, and soon, I seeped a tear...
    The message killed me slowly as it reached my ear.

    Way Down South in Dixie
    (Bruised body, high in the air)
    I asked the white lord Jesus
    What was the use of prayer.

    Tears smother my cheeks as I walk a road of dirt.
    My soul is hurt & slow to flirt with hopes of falsehood.
    I know the call was true, so I head for the tall wood
    Beyond the edge of the road; where they all stood
    .. All the bystanders that gathered around this tree of evil
    Then I slowly proceed to creep to the sea of people
    When they notice me, and split open so I could see in
    And my eyes rose from the dirt road, to that deep skin-
    .. That deep skin of my love.. I break down as I draw closer
    .. No reason to live.. See, love died that day in October..

    Way Down South in Dixie
    (break the heart of me)
    Love is a naked shadow
    On a gnarled and naked tree.
    :
    :
    :
    ...My love.

    -October 28th, 1969-
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  2. #2

  3. #3
    Fear Before The March Foreshadow's Avatar
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    [My Thoughts]
    Damn your a real nice head but you write about the crazyist things ever. This piecewas nice but I thought that the guy was saying good bye to the girl because she died.
    Last edited by Foreshadow; June 22nd, 2004 at 02:27 PM

  4. #4
    MC_Merc
    Guest
    wow, thats was a great piece, good structure, flow and had very good vocab and it had alot of emotion in it. Great Piece. Easily i would give this 10/10.

  5. #5
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Thanks for the feedback.

    -W1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  6. #6
    Hey yo,
    This was a pretty awesome pieace with great vocabulary
    Its cool how you featred Hughes in there.
    Overall this was a great pieace,and i cant really tell you anything to elevate on

  7. #7
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    Thanks, homie. Uppin' this.

    -W1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  8. #8
    I swing on hoes Perpetual's Avatar
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    yea, u did a great job with the emotion
    good job with everything, nice wording
    it seemed more like a poem to me, lol
    keep it up man, this is good material
    ORIGINAL BADASS


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  9. #9
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    90% of the rhymes were nice just noticed a few that seemed awkward - story was well told with minimal repitition - good closer - emotion was well set - nice work - return the favor

  10. #10
    Super Spic, w00t! Emerge's Avatar
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    this was insane i liked the fact that you acted this so agressively, chill out on writting about people getting merked its getting old.. jk but this was nice indeed imagery and flow was it was deep langston has been a favorite writer of mine for some time, actually one of the few american writers that i like

    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...92#post1504692
    hit that up

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    New Writejist Song - Tito Ortiz

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  11. #11
    Well it had an excellent flow. But I think you should re-write that verse. It doesn't sound right to me, but other then that, a nice rhyme.

  12. #12
    Flow's Official
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    Brilliant.. loads of emotion.. the topic was deep.. picture at the bottom gave me that choked feeling for a second (no pun intended).. this was really good.. internal rhyme scheme was well done.. flowed nicely.. chorus bits added a lot too.. imagery was spot on.. last stanza was the best in my opinion.. concluded things exactly as they should`ve been.. all around dope piece.

    *applauds*
    <table style=filter:GLOW(color=black)>IJL & DWI</table>

  13. #13
    Newbie sean-price's Avatar
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    Excellent story, very good rhymes // well-structured i think definitely 10/10

  14. #14
    better than legendary Neruda II's Avatar
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    Pretty good work. I like the story but I felt that it was missing a lil' something because it really came blind sided. It was hard to see where the story was going because you're style selected for this piece was more abstract than straight forward. It's good that you took a different route but you kind of stopped at a couple of places along the way. You didn't have to put great imagery into the piece because you have that picture. You still managed to put enough imagery into it that the reader wont dismiss it as bad or sub par. You had great structure, I felt that you made the piece have good sense of rhyme without it being un original. Very impressed at that. Overall you had good imagery, good vocabulary, nice rhyming and great structure. Very nice work.

    If it wouldn't be too much trouble could you please reply to my "on the real" piece.
    murder murder

  15. #15
    Whiiteboy Daz's Avatar
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    damn this was dope.............
    everything was working for you...
    the visuals...
    the lines....
    everything fit everything was perfect......
    the lines ran smooth as helll......
    damn man.......continue to do this...
    ...LEGENDS...
    Always Impervious an Axis Power.


    Supermod Me.

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